a poem about depression and self harm may be a trigger but may not tell me what you think its called depression

Well you havent left but i dont know if i really want you to leave yet. I went to the doctors and they said everything looks like its getting better. You said you will regret this later and that they only care or want to help when your in pain. If your not they wont stay. As soon as i left the office you reply with cut yourself, But i didnt. I held on for a little while longer. The urges and thoughts got worse and stronger. When i get the blade you say cut till you dont have space and cut deeper. I dont know if i want you to go away just yet. You cause me pain and its weird that i like it a little. The pain is persistent. Nothing is like that and never has been. You say if i go away what will you have? Cutting i will have cutting. So i obey. Cutting is real unlike most things in my life. As messed up as this sounds i love my cuts and scars and when they fade its like i need to create more so the pain and realness sticks. I know you wont leave if i keep doing this. The scars remind me of the feelings i have when im numb. The pain reminds me that im on earth and alive somewhat even when i dont like being on earth. The blood that seeps out reminds me im not walking around dead yet. Sadly i like the emotional and physical pain sometimes. When i say this to myself your happier and you feel like your accomplishing something. Its a benefit for me and you. You get the happiness i get the emotional pain. I think you are starting to enjoy my pain and misery. I sometimes enjoy it. I really want to give up half the time. Im losing the battle towards you. You say do it, they say go ahead. Try it again once more, if your lucky you would be dead or in a coma. This is what depression is for me.