Disappointed - Relapse

Just need to get this off my chest. I had lost track of how long I had been clean. It was several years, close to four if not just a little over. I don’t know what was the final straw, honestly, but little things have been piling up and up. Job stress, depression, family concerns, etc. I had resisted the urge to self harm for months.. fought back against the voice in my head telling me to relapse every day, to fall into my old self-destructive behaviors. A few nights ago, I caved.

I think I’m more disappointed in the fact that it was such a small thing that caused this. A year and some months ago, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I stayed clean throughout the relationship and the grieving / healing process, but I wasn’t strong enough for this.

I haven’t self harmed since that day, even though I’ve thought about it. It’s additive. I missed it. I miss it even now. I guess that’s a small win, having a few days clean under my belt. I’m trying to look on the bright side of things, praise myself for this and that, but it always circles back to disappointment. I’m hoping venting about my thoughts here will help quiet them.