Hollow and empty

I started sh around the end of 7th grade. at first it wasn’t bad just scratching my arm with a pencil but then it went to dull knives till I first drew blood to scissor and sewing’s needles to pencil sharpener blades i didn’t understand it was an addiction till I tried to stop after I told my basically sister who was and is the reason I’m trying to heal. But it’s hard. The hollow feeling that only the pain can ease to the tingling in my arm when I think of it and every when they start to heal and scab over I love to run my hand over the bumps. Now beginning 9th grade I’m not sure if I can make it. Stress and pressure have made me relapse more than I’d like in 2 months. Part of me wants to heal but the other is ready to fall. I just want to feel free and whole again.