I don't even know

I made a promise to my partner. He gave me an ultimatum. If I ever self harm again we are over. Neither the promise nor the ultimatum panned out since last night I hurt myself again for the first time since I made that promise. He thinks self harm means blades and cutting but I used my own nails. My arm is a mess, I need to figure out how to cover it for work yet right now all I can think is how much I want to do it again. I cut once so bad and so deep my friend literally superglued me so now, I can't even seem to cut myself right. I'm broken. I'm....just ruined

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm very drunk but....very very much ruined in my brain. I'm sorry