I don't know what I'm doing.

Hey guys and gals. I don't know what I'm doing. I've never known what I'm supposed to do and I feel lost in the dark.

I've struggled with SH for about a year now. I'm not used to talking about it. I'm pretty sure I've never even said the words out loud before.

I've avoided telling my friends and family for reasons I won't get into right now, for I'm afraid if I do I'll go on this long tangent and lose track of where I was going.

Recently it feels like my sister, who I live with, has started treating me.. differently. She's constantly worried about me and has high anxiety all the time it seems. I'm terrified I've started slipping and that she's seen the scars on my legs. They're fairly obvious, and can't be explained away like the ones on my arms. I stopped SH on my arms shortly after I started, but the scars still seem so obvious to me.

I started having dreams that they've seen them and I wake up petrified that I'll have to confront them later.

I do not want my family, or anyone in my life, really, to know but recently its almost like I desperately do want someone to know. I've come so close to telling my brother, who I'm closest with, but stopped myself everytime. I don't want him to treat me different, which I know he will despite his efforts not to.

So I can't tell anyone. I joined 7 Cups for this reason. I need advice. I need help. It's easier to talk to people on a screen versus in person. Easier to ask for help.

Why am I even considering posting this? Everytime I think about reaching out my brain screams that I just want attention, that I'm being dramatic and so many others have it way worse than I do and I have no reason to be the way I am. Which I partially believe. So many others do have it worse than me, but am I really seeking attention? I don't know anymore.

I really don't have a reason for being the way that I am. I was raised in a good Christian household, loving parents, and great siblings. Sure we have issues, but not more than any other family. There were some events in my younger life that could have caused this, but who can really be sure? If I go to a therapist my family will surely find out.

And that brings me back to why I'm even posting this. Validation? No. But maybe some part of me just wants to be acknowledged. To know that this is real. To admit to myself that I need help. Maybe this is the first step to healing.

Side note: whoa, did I just vent? I've never done that before. It feels kinda good. I should do this more often.

Also, thanks for reading. I hope you find peace and love in your life❤️