I‘m fine, but confused
So, I haven‘t been harming myself for a few months now. It didn‘t leave scars, all the wounds healed and it‘s almost impossible to see them now, I‘m sure I‘ll be free from them soon and I am proud of that.
But why does that make me feel… sad? I feel like a small part of me misses just looking at the wounds…? And I hate it. Ever since I‘ve stopped I‘ve been so happy to go swimming without worrying.
I feel like the wounds were proof to me that I was not doing well, because now I wonder everyday: How do I feel? Am I ok? And it’s always really hard to answer these questions. I mean, I‘m fine. There‘s no obvious problem and I have lots of things I truly enjoy in my daily life. But still, in some evenings my thoughts start crushing me and I feel suddenly stressed out and on edge. I get scared, I don‘t even know why and that‘s really confusing me right now.
I‘m safe, I don‘t want anyone to worry. I‘m just wondering if anyone understands my situation?
Have a nice day/night! <3
@Butterfly723389
Hey there, thanks so much for sharing this. First of all, well done for stopping self-harming, that's amazing and you should be so proud of yourself for how well you're doing. It sounds like you've got some really complicated relationships with your scars and your body, and I think it's really great that you're putting it into words and reaching out for support with those feelings, that's not easy to do and you did it, so that's another reason to be very proud.
I totally hear you about feeling like everything is going well and you have lots to be grateful for, but still struggling and still having that low mood. What I would say is that stress, anxiety and the crushing thoughts that you mention don't need a 'reason' - you and they are valid, and you deserve help and support, whether you're feel that you're fine or you're really struggling.
Keep talking, keep looking for support. I hope you find the support and help you want here. 💚
Thank you so so much <3
To be honest, I often struggle with the desire to find a ‘valid reason’ for my thoughts, actions and feelings, even though I know it doesn’t always exist. I have yet to find out who I am and who I want to be. At some times, I’m completely fine with all of that, but there are days, weeks or months when those questions really drag me down.
Anyway, your words are very helpful and comforting, I feel like talking to other people can help me get new perspectives. Thank you! <3
Ahhh! I'm dealing with the exact feeling currently. Looking at my fading scars is weirdly giving me the urge to do it again. I think a small part of me feels like the "proof" or my pain will be gone and it'll feel like all that suffering never existed. And Also, for my friends who knew about it, part of me feels like they were only concerned because of the sh (and I know that's not true) and that they won't check in anymore if I'm okay. My scars also give me a weird sense of comfort because it's like, when I had no one, I had this little secret stress reliever. It's such a complicated feeling. I WANT to be better and I know I don't deserve this and my body doesn't deserve this...it's such a conflict
Good to know I‘m not the only one, even though I‘m sorry you have to experience it too. For me the scars were some dort of proof that my feelings were real.
When I feel exhausted and sad now, I always feel like I‘m being dramatic, because „back then it was clearly worse“. This leads to me not accepting myself when I‘m not doing well and creates a constant inner fight between „you‘re overreacting“ and „your feelings are valid“. Do you get what I mean?
Also, you said you have friends who know/knew about it. I‘m wondering what that was like. Did they bring up sh often? I‘m just curious, but don‘t feel pressured to answer! Only if you‘re comfortable :)
@Butterfly723389 yes. That's exactly how I feel. Part of me somehow only feels like the pain is real if it's bad enough to see but I'm slowly learning that there is no universal standard for pain. There is no level that says how much pain is enough. If it hurts YOU, then it hurts. Simple as that. You shouldn't feel like you need to prove it or make it real to be deserving of love, care and attention.
As for my friends, when I told them, now they text me more often. With simple things like makes and videos. Periodically, "how are things? You feeling okay"? My closest friend, now will dig anytime I give a one word answer now. If she asks how my day was and I say "good" or "okay", she responds "tell me more". It feels good knowing someone is interested in how I feel but it seems like she's just checking in because she's scared I'll hurt myself again.
But I'm learning now, that's not true. The care was there before I self harmed. The care was always there. I would just isolate and keep all my negative feelings to myself. My friends saw the surface. They saw the smiles and thought I was okay but I had been lying. Once I took off the mask, they just responded to how they always would have to my sadness. Because now they KNOW about it. So I'm reminding myself that they are hear because I was honest, not because I hurt myself.
That’s so sweet from your friends! I told two people about my sh and it feels as if they had forgotten about it almost immediately…but I think that one of them was just scared to bring it up again. I don’t have contact with the other one anymore…
I would love to be more open with my feelings, but I’m always afraid of people worrying too much or misunderstanding me.
How you described your friend’s behaviour is literally what I wish for so much.
And again I have to thank you so much, especially for the first paragraph. I sometimes feel so isolated with my struggle to accept my emotions. You made me feel less lonely. If you want, I’d be interested in everything you want to say here, but again, no pressure <3
@Butterfly723389 I can't say I understand, because I have thousands of permanent scars. I understand what you mean though. If I could go back, I would never damage my body to the extent I did. Although you might feel invalidated, its so much better to be scarless and not having to worry about having scars on you for the rest of your life, having to wear long sleeves in 100 degrees, covering up around distant family, and hiding them from your work.
Your point is completely correct and important. I am happy to live my day to day life without worrying about such things. I didn’t mean to invalidate people with actual scars and I believe that your situation is way harder to deal with than mine. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! You’re not invalidating my feelings, you’re just reminding me to be grateful <3
