Mental health issues

I've been diagnosed with depression at the ripe age of 11, and now I am 12. I know I'm too young to harm myself with blades, knowing that it's unnecessary. However, I cannot seem to stop, I find temporary peace in self-harm and can't quit this addiction, I've tried reaching out to my friends for help and tips, but none of them seemed to help. And that's how I found this app, I searched for any therapies nearby me and the cost for consulting to a therapist depending on the kind of therapy was quite expensive and I couldn't afford it as a 7th-Grader Student in the Philippines, and I thought of searching an online therapy app for free in Google playstore, and I stumbled upon this.

(Back to my Addictions) I've tried to stop harming myself because it doesn't help me feel better and when I did, I ended up finding myself back to harming myself again and again. I don't even know if I should pursue my studies or not due to mental health issues, my mental health also affects my school and studies, there are times that I often miss school because the thought of waking up and battling between whether I should go to school or not is hard for me, adding the fact that I'm diagnosed with depression and couldn't find the way out of it. My adviser already scolded me because of me not going to school, I understand why she's being mad about it. I often lied about being sick so that's why I couldn't go to school.

I've thought of committing suicide because of my condition getting worse and worse every second it gets. But deep down to myself, knowing that I don't have enough courage to commit, knowing that I'm too young for it and there's so much more that I could experience and learn in life. And I just thought of harming myself instead of committing suicide and thought to myself that that's much more better than committing. And it's become an addiction. I also couldn't do it, not because I'm scared. It's because of the thought of my family crying and grieving at the sight of me. Dead and not responding. I often zone out at school whenever I get the chance to. And I also got addicted to smoking and vaping, drinking monster due to my mental health. When I feel miserable or in grief, I immediately run to my "notes" app to express how I feel.

Because whenever I open up to my friends like I said, they're not that much of a help. So, the only first thing that ever came to my mind when (opening up/expressing myself/ranting) is the app "notes". Everything just feels so fake and unreal. I always end up getting exhausted about it, there's some times that I don't even know what to feel and do about it anymore. I always try to find a specific reason for me to keep living, and I just eventually ended up accepting the fact that there's no particular reason for me to keep living. (I'm struggling to find a reason to keep living and pursuing my studies.)

(Any help or tips on improving my mental health and focusing on my studies would mean a lot. 💗)