My self harm journey
Hello everyone! I am back. I was on a break for the past few days so you might not have been able to find my username in browse listeners.
To be honest my account had been deactivated as I had messaged on 7 cups while in crisis, so pretty valid, but the break really did help me recover and I am better now.
Any of my older members seeing this, please feel free to message me! đź’–
âť—Trigger warningâť—
mention of past self harming tendency.
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So, my mental health has not been the best over the past few months. I used to have a terrible prohibited word tendency before I joined cups. Back then, I was really intent on it.
Before, I never had a history of self harm. I have had a habit of plucking my hair and picking my skin, if that counts.
Recently, I started cutting myself. It's hard for me to decide where the idea came from. I suspect I might have been affected a bit by talking about it with members, reading forums, etc., but I cannot say that for sure as I find myself only feeling sympathy and nothing else when I hear someone else talking about sh.
My prohibited word tendency was completely suppressed, maybe or maybe not because of the cutting. But then, my parents found my cuts. Again, I'm not sure if I wanted them to see or not. They already knew about my tendency. They took me to various psychiatrists and psychologists. I promised my parents I will never try to do it again. But it's hard. It used to be the thing that gave me comfort whenever I found things getting out of control.
As of now, I have given up self harm and anything prohibited word related completely. I hope to keep it this way. But I find myself questioning everything often these days. Do I really have a problem? Am I doing this for attention? Is this something I really believe, or something I made myself believe? Am I really thinking this, or making myself think this?
You see, one of the psychologists told me I might have bpd (borderline personality disorder) and that I'd do anything for attention. Since then, I've started noticing that it is true, and also acknowledged the fact that I always knew I wanted attention.
There are many things I know but don't address, I'm trying to do it now. Stopping myself as soon as I start to manipulate myself into believing a thought that is just a thought. I hope I'm doing enough.
I just want to get better. But I don't even know if that is the truth, or something I am just saying to make myself believe it.
Hope I was able to explain. Thanks for reading. ❤‍🩹
@Luminity125
It sounds like you are focusing on sh. Besides that everything on the surface of your post seems normal. (Whatever normal is)
It's good you've returned and that you shared your story with us. 🌟
@AsherTree
Thanksđź’–
@Luminity125
It’s understandable to question yourself 🫂
It sounds like you’ve gone through a very difficult period and have spent a lot of time reflecting on your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. Anyone who has experienced such intense experiences could question their feelings and motives.
Sometimes, after a mental health crisis, people begin to analyze themselves very closely and question whether their struggles are real. Needing support, understanding, and care doesn’t mean your pain isn't real. Human beings naturally need connection and validation.
One small step that may help is to focus less on what is true or false and more on how you feel in the present moment. Writing down your thoughts may help you observe them with more clarity and less self-criticism.
The fact that you’re reaching out for help, reflecting on your thoughts, and working toward recovery shows a genuine desire to heal. You don’t have to answer all the questions right now.
I hope you continue showing yourself the same patience and compassion that recovery requires đź’•
@Eternalbliss00
Thanksđź«‚ It is really helpful to know it's normal.