Rant, Tw.. Sh ....Weight issues....Suicidal ideation (Im safe now), Self esteem issues

@Maeebae99

 It sounds like you are struggling with a lot of challenges, all at the same time. I'm glad that you sensed your vulnerability, and were able to avoid making a mistake.

Going up, our house was always a mess. My mom was a hoarder, and there were only narrow pathways in most of the rooms, the rest of the space being filled with boxes and junk. We were also evicted several times, but always managed to carry our junk with us. We had a few pieces of worn out furniture, very few threadbare linens and towels. We did have lots and lots of dishes, glasses, cups, silverware and cookware. Those things were collected from garage sales and castoffs from relatives.

The sinks were piled high with dirty dishes most of the time. It was also quite rare that we had clean clothes.

The point is, I can relate to being embarrassed about your living situation. I did clean up after my family quite often, but it couldn't present the overall embarrassing situation I lived with.

I was bullied and teased during childhood. I was an emotional eater, and quite overweight. That and my horrible clothes made me an easy target for my peers to torment me. My self-esteem and confidence was also in the toilet. In my teens, I began cycles of gaining and losing weight, with each weight gain, I would be heavier.

I ended up weighing around 250, at a height of 5'8". It was a combination of bad diet, episodes of binging and starving, along with not exercising much.

Around 15 years ago, I changed a lot of habits, began exercising, and got down to 140. I've not lost or gained more than 3 pounds since.

So, as you struggle with your family and living situation, and if you're anything like me, it can be really hard to stabilize your eating habits to the extent that you can attain your desired weight. It doesn't help that there is so much bad advice regarding weight loss around.

For an emotional eater, food very temporarily distracts from pain and frustration. However, repeatedly seeking that distraction leads to more pain and frustration. Another way of putting it is "I eat too much because I'm sad, and I'm sad because I eat too much."

I will say, I did not make sustainable progress until I started avoiding going to extremes with starving and binging. I also learned that if I made a very small change in my eating habits, I could maintain the habit. If I tried making larger changes, within a short time I give up and go back to the previous habit.

You are a good and deserving person exactly as you are. You deserve love and respect exactly as you are. As are all of us, you are a work in progress, but at the same time, you are delightful just as you are.

People change. If someone recognizes you from the past, they'll just have to get used to the idea that you've changed, and they'll have to get over it. If they don't get over it, they aren't the kind of people worth having around.