Struggled with my self harm today

Just venting and perhaps processing out loud.

I was late for work and panicking this morning. I had been in trouble a bit ago, the kind of trouble that stays with and still requires regular meetings even if my job was no longer under threat. I haven't been late regularly so this was a recent and somewhat explainable point. I was sick and had over slept. I woke, panicked, got to work as fast as reasonably possible. It ended okay, no immediate rebuke and sympathy from my boss. But the mood spiral was there and I had a bunch of thoughts during it.

I figured out on my way in that every bit of self harm and self destruction was about control. I had been abused and let down over and over. No authority over me has ever been reliable, there's always been some failure that broke my trust. I stayed a good little boot licker and I still got let down. So self destruction is about suffering on my terms. It's something I can choose and control. It's my choice all the way through and I can be mad and dangerous during it. No one else gets to know, interfere, or control it.

I felt the urges and patterns of the addiction even as I deconstructed them. If anything the realization kinda makes it worse. It's a logical temptation and pattern that's easy to follow into harm. It's not just the rush, it's that mental path of control and ownership of my suffering. Eventually I pushed them off but it was quite the time, especially keeping my masking up. It was hard and still is. Now I'm still tired, sad, and not sure if I'll wake up sad or angry.