That one thing
Today was really good.
I didn't have any urges to harm myself. I think it's because my mom was at work, nobodey presured me to do things, nobodey told me that i'm not enough, nobodey told me that my boyfriend should ve ashamed of me and break up with me.
I was just waiting for that one thing.
I was waiting for the call from my bf. But today, he forgot about me. He just playd minecraft with his friend, he didn't even told me that he couldn't make it today. It can seem like it's not that big of a deal, but for me, it is.
It's that one thing I litearly live for. He's my hope, my everything. I just can't do the thing i've been planning, because he stepped into my life. I couldn't wait to hear his voice, even for 1 minute, I would be happy with that.
I'm just sad that he has time for games with his friends, but not even 1 minute for me.
I feel guilty everytime I can't make the call, but I just feel like he doesn't care if we're calling ir not. Everytime I build up the currage to tell him about my sh, that I've been clean for almost 3 years, that I wouldn't probably be here if he didn't stepped into my life..he tells me that he can't make it.
This isn't the fisrt time that this happened. Maybe I take this too seriously, I don't know. I just feel so lonely rn.
When I visited him, he took my phone bcs he wanted to play some games. I was so scared he would find my sloth with these type of apps. I wish he did but didn't at the same time. I want to tell him, but i'm so scared. I don't know what of, I just feel like I can't tell him.
And i'm so sorry for the miss-clicks
And i'm so sorry for the miss-clicks
Hey @elka1ska, thank you for sharing💜
It sounds like today bought up a lot of mixed emotions for you. On one hand, you had a day without urges and that is something to be proud of. On the other hand, the situation with your boyfriend left you feeling hurt and forgotten, and that can feel really difficult when someone is such an important part of your life.
It sounds so crushing to have been waiting for the call, and building up the courage to share something so personal, for it to not happen. It makes sense why it would be a big deal to you. When someone becomes a source of comfort and hope, even small changes in their behaviour can feel huge.
It also sounds like you're carrying a big weight and fear around telling him about your self-harm history. It's such a vulnerable thing to share, and its completely normal to feel scared around telling others. It's a difficult balance between wanting him to know but also wanting to protect yourself from any potential hurt. Please do remember that you don't have to force yourself into that conversation before you are ready💜
I'm really glad you reached out here instead of sitting with this alone. You deserve support and a space to figure out what feels right for you.
You are always welcome to discuss your thoughts and feelings in the forums, and if helpful please do feel free to share more about how you are feeling in your relationship or ways you have previous coped in these moments.
We're here for you 💜
Emma
Thank you so much Emma ❤️🩹❤️🩹