What weighs more

I have been struggling with trying to figure out what weighs more. The desire to, or the guilt of doing it. I can't stop thinking about it. Ever. And it weighs alot. But when I do the guilt for what it causes my family to go through, that does also. That question is what I am trying to find the answer to. I hope one day I can shed myself of the weight of them both.

It is a heavy load to bear. And I carry it alone even when I have people wanting to share the load with me. I can't give it up. When I do try to share it, I just gain more weight in guilt. Then I stumble.

When I do stumble and hurt myself I go big. I never keep it light. That scares me. It scares my family. It scares my pets. It scares my neighbors. I genuinely don't want them to feel that way.

So I want to more for hurting them. It just spirals. And every turn around the spiral it weighs more. Until I cant think about anything else.

I will beat it though.

One day.

And I will be able to ask the question...

What weighs more, the feeling of giving love it the feeling of receiving it?

Like the feeling of tge comforting weight of a favorite blanke