When fear outweighs urge, it's a vent srry and it's long T-T

My methods of sh have changed over the years and for a clear reason, fear of being found out. From physical to blunt methods to unhealthy isolation.

I started about when I was 8, everything felt numb and pain was validating for some twisted reason, but I kept clear limits so I wouldn't go too far, or too noticeable, i couldn't let my family find out, or else I knew they were going to overreact about it and I'd be the ungrateful insensitive one again. I basically started without actually knowing anything about what it meant, I just saw some sort of show, somebody falling off a bike or whatever and being cared for on TV and thought, "hey...I'd like to held like that", and misunderstood the whole thing, I thought for many whole years, that pain was pain if it was physical and i wanted to feel something....not knowing that i was indeed in pain (mentally) lol

Legit walked on eggshells and was so in control of it until I went too far, bought meds and treated myself without getting caught, i swear the fear of getting caught and having to sit through a lecture, that familiar humiliating feeling was more daunting to me than the relief I found, at times I feared every adult i came across, they all seemed malicious and trusting was never a safe option. i lowkey stopped after that scare, four years later, did it again, went too far again and stopped, then two years ago and quit again.

I keep finding myself wanting to relapse but looks like fear is keeping me at bay, doesn't make things better, my head's a mess and I've basically given up in other aspects.

I'd like to know if anyone has had a similar situation, because the moment I'm left alone, I'd either be the most comfortable I'd ever been or fall into this habit which keeps calling for me.

Thanks for reading, and take care of yourselves....