Why do I keep going back to it?
When I was 11-12 I started to cut myself with the razor in my bathroom: soon enough my parents found out and tried to help with meds, hospitals and doctors but i always seem to go back to it- I know I have a problem with my depression and I know it’s not healthy but I can’t help this pain of wanting to do it- I was clean for almost a year until I got triggered and since then it feels like everyday the timer gets shorter and shorter and I don’t know what to do.
@DepressedDrpepperlover
I can understand how disappointing it must be, to have been clean for a whole year. And now to be struggling with self harm again. I'm so sad to read that there are things in your life so triggering and distressing that self harm is the option for you. I'm rooting for you in your journey to be free of it.
Here's a story, told to me by a friend.
They said their favorite counselling customer was the one who started with "I've tried everything, but I just can't stop!". They loved these because they immediately knew the problem.
We do things for a reason. We might not consciously know the reason, but all behaviours are your body trying to solve a problem or meet a need.
When we try to stop a behaviour, like a bad habit or something that harms us, we fail if we do not sort out the underlying cause. It will keep coming back.
The quickest way to stop any behaviour is to stop trying to stop it. Instead, to identify what problem or need it is trying to solve, and identify a better way to meet that need or avoid that problem. This normally easiest to do with an expert in why people do the things they do.
Do you understand why you self harm and why you are depressed? Have you looked back at all your triggers and worked out the common theme? It's really hard to do. And so needs lots of support to do. But it can bring the understanding that leads to permanent change.
Have you watched any Ro Mitchell videos? I find her determination to get better so inspiring, but also real.
