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Clio9876
4 14,660 M Progress Road
PathStep 163 Compassion hearts2,732 Forum posts451 Forum upvotes831 Current upvotes831 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2024 Member sinceAugust 1, 2021
Recent forum posts
A chicken and egg story
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 February 24th
...See more When physical and mental health coincide. I used to work at a unit for dogs with behavioural problems. Vet treatment of dogs in our care could sometimes be an interesting challenge. But I worked with an amazing vet. Together we'd find a way to do whatever treatment the animal needed. After a year, I started to notice a pattern. Many dogs would come to us for a behavioual reason, and soon after arrival, we'd be identifying a medical issue. Was this a coincidence? I looked back at records. And found out that over 50% of the dogs had had a chronic physical medical condition. 50% ! Half !  That's a huge proportion with health problems. I have no idea which comes first. Some behavioural problems cause medical problems. Some medical problems cause behavioural problems. (In fact, behaviour is often how an owner tells their vet their pet is not well - not eating, limping, sleeping a lot etc etc). Was this a coincidence? It doesn't seem so to me. Why might this matter to us? In many parts of the world, including where I grew up, human mental health and physical health are considered quite separately. My experiences are leading me feel that a more holistic approach could be beneficial. And it sheds a totally new light on the shame of mental illness. If such a huge proportion of mental health issues might be associated with a physical problem, why should anyone feel they are weak for struggling mentally, when they likely have no control over it? Do you have a medical condition that affects your mental health? Do you ever think your mental health affects your physical health? What effects does it have? Sending healing vibes Clio.
Help! I've been manipulated into doing something I didn't intend!
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 January 18th
...See more And I liked it! I have cats. They have a thing of appearing beside, or on me, and getting me to stroke them. They nearly always succeed. Even when it is inconvenient. How do they manage that? I want more intimacy in my relationship. Can these cats teach me anything? Should I be a bit more rude, demanding and pushy? But the thing is, my cats seem to be good at manipulating me politely. An eye blink and head tilt. Purring and a head bash. I'm wondering what the human equivalent of head bashes, purring and blinking is. So I'm asking you to spill your secrets. What subtle little tricks of body language get your loved one or partner to respond with affection on a subconscious level?
Here's a story about spoons.
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 December 24th, 2023
...See more Imagine a first time cook, following a recipe to cook a dish. They use one spoon to measure out the flour and dump it, dirty, into the sink. They use another spoon to measure the butter and again, dump it into the sink. Another spoon to measure the salt, and likewise, into the sink. And so it continues, until all the ingredients are in the pan. The recipe then says put it on the heat and stir. They put it on the heat and look in the drawer for a spoon. But they are all gone, used and dirty in the sink. Quickly they rush around washing some spoons up, turn to the dish, and, it's a disaster! The food has burnt onto the pan and the dish is ruined. What a novice cook like this needs, is someone more experienced, to teach them how to better manage their spoons. Use the same one for flour, salt and sugar, maybe. Use the one used for the butter for stiring too. Etc. I'm sure you know how it could have been done better. Spoon theory goes that each day we have a limited amount of energy. We use that energy during the day to do the things we need to do. We use a spoonful of energy to do the washing up, a spoonful for shopping, a spoonful for gardening etc etc. If we have something difficult to do, we plan maybe an easy day, so we have the energy/enough spoons for it. When something goes wrong, like a missed appointment, we use an extra spoonful of energy to cope with it. When lunch is late, we use a mental 'spoon' to cope with it. Someone coping with chronic pain is using energy and thus an extra spoon, constantly to cope with the pain. When we are worrying about something we need to do tomorrow, we are also using up an extra mental 'spoon'. When you have a bad day, you can reach the point where you have just "run out of spoons" Just like the novice cook, it all becomes a disaster. But all is not lost, just like the novice cook, learning how to better manage spoons is totally possible. Just like any other skill, where seeking out an expert to teach you would be completely normal, experts who teach skills to better manage life spoons are available. The problem is, for some weird reason, society has decided that it is shameful to need to learn this skill. Like many others I want to change that. In case you haven't twigged, i believe that therapists/counsellors/psychologists/whatever they are termed in your society, would be the experts in teaching spoon management skills, because they teach us skills that enable us to get more out of life. Just as there's no shame in learning any other new skills, why should there be shame in seeking advice on how to learn the skills to better manage your life spoons? When was the last time you "ran out of spoons"? What happened? Do you agree or disagree that therapists are experts in life skills that can benefit everyone?  Wishing you a day of plenty of spoons. 💛
When trying to stop a behaviour is counter productive: Part 3 of things I learnt as a pet behaviourist
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 November 22nd, 2023
...See more I learnt a lot from a lady we'll call Pam. One day we were talking about the classic things owners say during a consult. Pam's favorite was "I've tried everything to stop him/her doing x". She said it was her favorite, because as soon as an owner uttered it, she knew what the problem was. And knowing the problem, she knew how to solve it. Animals do things to meet a need. They eat because they are hungry, drink because they are thirsty, run away because they are scared (the need here is safety), bark for attention etc etc. Pam even said that in her view, animals don't have behaviour problems, because they are just meeting a need. It is the owner that has a problem with the animal's behaviour. Anyway, back to "I've tried everything to stop him/her doing x". If you try to stop a behaviour, the need behind it doesn't go away. So one of two things happen. The behaviour comes back, because the need still needs to be met, or the animal tries to meet the need with a different behaviour. Take the dog that spends a lot of time on its own in a yard. It has a need for social and mental stimulation. So it starts jumping out of the yard. The owner builds the fence higher. The dog digs under the fence. The owner concretes the yard. The dog starts barking at passers-by. The owner shouts at the dog to shut up. The dog continues to bark. The owner buys an anti bark collar. The dog starts biting its tail etc etc. As soon as an owner says they have tried everything to get xyz to stop, you immediately know the one thing they haven't tried - meeting the need. The trick to stopping a behaviour, is to provide an alternative for meeting the need. Once the need is met, there's nothing driving the behaviour, so it will stop happening. I'm always reminded of this when I catch myself thinking, "I wish I could stop doing xyz" or "I wish so and so wouldn't do that" or "why can't I just stop being anxious!?"  or angry, or miserable or whatever. The answer is generally that I haven't yet replaced the habit with an alternative that better meets the underlying need. What about you? Do you have any habits you wish you could stop? Have you ever found that the more you try to stop doing something, the more it happens?
Red dragon, Green dragon, Blue dragon
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 November 3rd, 2023
...See more Continuing a theme of what we can learn from animals, this dragon analogy was recently shared with me by a horse riding instructor. She was explaining why a horse was aggressive and why they were OK with it, even glad of it. Green dragon is representative of a happy, relaxed, friendly, confident state. What we generally want most people and animals to be. Red dragon is representing the state experienced when threatened. Its associated with the flight/fight responses. So, fear, anger and activity. Blue dragon represents freeze. So the animal or person who does nothing when they are threatened. It's often quite difficult to tell the difference between Green dragons and Blue dragons. Particularly in horses. Horses could be expected to be pros at hiding their physical state. Predators pick off the weak. To survive, prey animals, like horses, instinctively maintain an impression of being fine. But this can lead to challenges when horses are owned by people who don't recognise this. As my friend explained to me, Anabelle was a high level competition jumping horse worth a lot of money. The thing is, for 15 years, no one noticed that she hated jumping and hated competitions. For 15 years she suppressed her feelings and became a Blue dragon. But everyone around her thought she was a Green dragon, because she appeared happy and friendly. Until she was bought by someone who realised she hated jumping. This person gave her a break from her work. Anabelle became the grumpiest horse on the yard. She became aggressive and difficult to handle. Her new owner was glad, to the surprise of everyone else. Most people saw a Green dragon, who had become a Red dragon. While the owner saw a Blue dragon who had become a Red dragon and thus the hope that one day Anabelle could become a true Green dragon. This reminded me of my work with dogs. In my experience, many people seem to be most concerned about dogs that growl or snap (Red dragons). But for me, the most concerning dogs are the ones who seem great, but are bubbling underneath (Blue dragons). These are the ones that do serious injury "with no warning". There's a trend to force dogs to submit that is quite worrying to me. Owners who do this think they are getting a Green dragon, when actually they are living with a Blue dragon. It also reminded me of my experiences. I was brought up in a culture where fear and anger are made out to be bad. In dragon terms, to be a Red dragon is bad. To express fear is cowardly, to express anger is evil or means you are a bad person. To avoid being a culturally unacceptable Red dragon, I became a Blue dragon. I was unhappy, but to everyone around me, I seemed happy. Even I thought I was happy. With time I learnt. Now I work towards being a true Green dragon. But I find, like Anabelle, that this is not possible without going through a Red dragon stage. This makes sense. I've had to relearn how to communicate my fear and anger. But few people seem to get this. I meet a lot of people who seem sad or concerned that I am experiencing fear and anger, rather than pleased for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be scared or angry. But I've had to fight to welcome a step on the path to where I want to get to. So I loved the Red/Green/Blue dragon analogy as an easy way to explain the situation. I don't want to be a Blue or Red dragon. But I'm willing to accept a temporary Red dragon, in order to become a Green dragon. Which colour dragon do you associate yourself with? Do you think it is preferable to be a Blue dragon or a Red dragon? 🐉 🐲 wishes to you all.
Animals are great teachers.
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 October 18th, 2023
...See more In a former career, I was a pet behaviourist. I learnt a lot about animal behaviour. And because humans are animals too, and every pet has a human owner, I learnt a lot about human behaviour too. And my own self, the most. I thought a little mini series might be of interest. A series of posts of things I learnt from the animals and people I met. I'll start with the most ironic thing I learnt. And that's this: It's all well and good knowing things in theory. It's a totally different thing to do it. I learnt about attachment, communication, extinction bursts, learning theory, fear, aggression, anxiety and all. I taught owners how to apply this knowledge. Could I apply any of it to myself and my challenges? Nope. When I first went to counselling, I was embarrassed to find myself there. I was even more embarrassed when the counsellor pointed out stuff I was doing that I knew was counter productive. So the first lesson my work with animals taught me: We all need a bit of help, sometimes. Someone with an outside view point can be invaluable. Don't be afraid to ask for it. And. Its one thing knowing what to do. Doing it is another thing entirely. This is for you if you have goals that you are struggling to achieve. It's OK to drop the ball occasionally. Please give yourself the grace I find I need to give myself more often. Is there anything an animal or being around animals has taught you?
My Mini Milestone
Motivation & Accountability / by Clio9876
Last post
 October 14th, 2023
...See more I'm celebrating a mini milestone. With a bit of encouragement for anyone else. I've been working on improving my posture. Posture came out as one of a whole bunch of linked self improvement things, related to dealing with my poor self esteem. Something I needed to work on to undo the consequences of trying to shrink my existence, I discovered first physio and then pilates. Today I found a new sitting position in the car. And all the things that have never worked for me, like being able to reach the steering wheel, suddenly fell into place. It felt a huge metaphor for all the mental health work I have been doing - everything is beginning to click together to make something different. Sometimes, doing the exercises week after week I know I wonder if it is worth it. Well, today I say it is.
Should you lie?
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 October 19th, 2023
...See more What about lying to your partner? Modern media gives us this view that being in a relationship will be all sunshine and care bears. You will love them forever. You will always be kind, generous, compassionate and honest to each other. But in reality I don't believe this is true. There are times when you hate them. There are times when you find them unattractive. There are times when you are bored of them. Isn't this the whole point of marriage vows; recognition that there will be difficult moments? Should you be honest and tell your partner about these moments or thoughts? How would you feel to be on the receiving end of every resentment? How would you feel on the receiving end of something like the following? "You are so unattractive when you make that face while cleaning your teeth." "I hated you last night when you forgot to fill the car up and I got stranded before I could get to the fuel station." Have you ever thought anything similar? It is hurtful to hear such things. Sometimes the truth is very painful. So should you keep silent about some things? Should we lie and pretend everything is perfect? I came from a place where resentments were smothered in preference to politeness. It wasn't comfortable. From 7 cups I have learnt about listening without taking it personally. I haven't quite got the technique yet. And how far can it go? Is it possible to hear the painful, but not be hurt by it? To allow others to speak their truth, because they know you won't run screaming. What relationship would it be if both parties could be heard without hurting? I think this could be a beautiful thing to work towards. These thoughts are based on ideas from the YouTube video: "The power of lies to transform your love life". By School of Life. Are there any lies that you are keeping a lid on?
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