coping with relapse
until recently I wouldn't have admitted I had a problem. as if I didn't take myself seriously enough to consider it so. perhaps I was to youthful indeed, or crying for help. as if what I was experiencing wasn't genuine confusion and suppressed pain. and the attempt I had that left me with 132 staples? yeah that was serious, but was it was more of a preemptive suicide attempt. that's what I've been telling myself at least and I think I'm starting to open my eyes to truth on realities terms.
I have to thank AA for introducing me to the terminology, because talking with fellow alcoholics about recent event has illuminated resonances within the addiction community. the ritualization of harm, pre planning, my own inability to acknowledge that was even a problem to begin with. until recently, I always disregarded cutting by emphasizing alcohol induced manic depressive episodes, but I can't use that excuse anymore. what happened three days ago was a completely pre meditated sober event.
and I've been distracting myself ever since.
and the truth is, and this should come as no surprise, I didn't feel anything. there's was no euphoric satisfaction. I just watched the ooze congeal and promptly began clean up. I didn't take this as a serious addiction, as genuine problem, because for me it doesn't happen regularly. maybe twice a year? with consistently underlying fantasies. but when it happens it severe enough to require medical attention. and the sick part–the part that makes liken this to an illness–some twisted part of me find pride in how many staples I've collected. how I know how to take them out. clean and sterilize. It's like the alcoholic version of me that wore near death experiences through sever alcohol poisoning as a badge. I'm realizing I never address the anger I feel for myself. anger at what anyhow? I'm too sensitive, I'm too intense to be loved, I'm not smart enough for grad school. anything and everything. I'm too much yet never enough and I blame myself entirely. It all feels so silly.
I'm new to this community and I want to share because if AA has taught me anything it's that in order to heal you need to be connected to people who understand and accept you. I don't want to be angry anymore and I don't want anymore scars.
speaking of, this is the first time I feel shame around the clear legibility of my soul on my body. all of my previous scars are hard to miss and I frequently–and inappropriately–get questions about them. I've never felt shame around them because I am me, this is who I am, and if you judge me for my pain than that's your prerogative not mine. but this one is different. I think I'm deeply ashamed this time and it's precisely because I've been trying so hard to do the work to sober up, follow psychiatric advice, and seek help. I just didn't realize there was more to my story. so here I am. being active and sharing a little bit of myself. not for need of support, but just for the sake of being heard.
@lapisapple04
🙏🏻
I hear you 🫂
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. It seems like you have been coming to some very deep and significant realizations about your challenges, your pain, and how you have been coping with them. That kind of awareness is not easy, and it says a lot about what you’re going through.
What you described—the planning, the numbness, and even the pride mixed with shame—doesn’t sound silly. It sounds like heavy and painful emotions that you have been carrying for a long time, and now you are sharing them here while also beginning to notice them more clearly. Such emotions can feel heavy and confusing at the same time.
You also shared that you have been trying to stay sober, following advice, and doing the work. The efforts you have been making truly matter, even if it may not always feel that way. You have already started moving forward in your own way.
You also shared that you don’t want to hold on to the anger anymore or have more scars—that feels really important. It reflects a part of you that wants something different, something gentler for yourself.
I’m really glad you chose to share this. You don’t have to go through this heavy phase holding everything inside, even if all you’re looking for is to be heard. You deserve healing and safety.
I am here, and I hear you 🫂
Don't shame yourself. You can't shame your way into growth. Growth comes along with self-care and honest reflection. You don't need to feel shamed to heal, but rather to love yourself enough to make a change. I am a long time member of AA and they have a lot of material and sayings which can help anyone with any addiction. I highly recommend learning more about it.