giving up and stuff
this is kind of long and random so im not expecting anyone to read through im just venting
i think its been a day since the last time, idk. its happened three times since therapy which was tues. four? idk. and it's definitely happening tonight, given the *** day ive had. i have a foolproof plan to buy myself new blades tomorrow. ive never really cared about staying clean or tried to recover but now i feel myself completely and totally giving up.
the other day i had a kind of performance for my music class. had to take off my jacket because its very difficult to play violin when wearing heavy layers. i only had my short sleeve music shirt on, and i felt so anxious the whole time. i could physically feel the stares. i didnt actually see anyone look, and idk if anyone even noticed, but i felt it, and it made me sick. thats the first time ive been in front of people with a short sleeve shirt on since i started sh-ing, and it was terrifying.
i told my therapist last session about the fact that i sh. we didnt go into details. in fact, i didnt really tell her. she asked and i nodded. maybe therapy will help with it. i dont really care.
i had this dream where i kept getting a bunch of tattoos without thinking. i just kept getting more and more, everywhere. random things. at the end of the dream i panicked, realizing that the tattoos were permanent. only when i told someone my dream out loud did i realize what it meant. i strongly believe all dreams are trying to tell you something. i think that one is fairly obvious.
anyways, yeah, im hopeless and im not getting better
@pw123 my heart goes out to you :( I don't have many words but I want to remind you that you're not alone 💙
@Optimisticempath thanks :)
When I was in school I SH & I was always so anxious too hoping no one would ever see them & there were so many judgmental people at my school that would stare as well. In a health class someone even made a comment that depressed emo kids should just kill themselves already and people laughed and I felt like they were talking about me. I was in such a dark place and felt so worthless and my SH got worse and worse. Now its years later and Im trying out this app as Im having some issues again and ha ing a rougb time and my brother committed suicide last year on my birthday and Ive been feeing so much grief ever since and have so many regrets. I SH for the first time in years, so thats why Im here. But Im still in a much better place than I was back then & I sought help right away before they got worse. Now I can see that the problem wasnt me. I was struggling and they didnt understand and said hateful things but that didnt make me worthless, it made them heartless and cruel, and really I hope theyve grown since then and have become better people. Perhaps they hated themselves too and thats how they dealt wit it to try to feel better. Sounds cliche but I think sometimes its true. Anyways I just want you to know that there are others out there with those same thoughts & worries and struggles. And tell you that you are worth something and if they stare let them stare but no one should judge you for what they dont understand. My heart goes out to you and I know your life ca get better. It may seem so hopeless right now but a lot can change in a few years. I'm glad you're here and I have my own struggles but I'm here if you ever want to talk.
