i relapsed after 6 years clean and i dont know why i chose that

in short i am going through a tough time right now, and though it has been harder before i don’t know why i chose to do this now. i think i am struggling most about masking and pretending to be okay around everyone who’s close to me but i genuinely cannot bring myself to open up no matter how much i try, and they keep demanding i stay present with them because they don’t know. 

i hope i don’t go back to this harmful coping mechanism. i’m trying and i will keep trying my best. i think i didn’t realize how quickly it escalates and thought of it as just a one time solution but it didn’t stop sadly. i will try