non coherent rant.

TW: relapse, SH, ED.

So I don't harm myself, like hurt my arms (not sure if I can actually say the proper words on here) but there have been times where, in my head, it felt like I did? I'm not sure on how to explain it. Idk if this makes sense at all. I kinda have thoughts about wanting to but end up not doing it which is great.

Instead of hurting my arms or wrists, I don't eat or barely eat which is a form of SH in a way because I'm hurting my body by not eating. I don't know if I have an ED but I do think it's bordering onto that (food restricting). Last year, it was the opposite. I would eat a lot of food and sometimes feel guilty but i wouldn't care because I was happy. This year, I eat small amounts and end up feeling full. Idk if it's just my body resetting? I can survive (and prefer to survive) on little bits of food/ small meals because its easy to eat. If I eat big potions, I'll feel nauseous. This rant isn't really coherent but I am trying my best to eat more.

Back on the topic of SH, I accidentally cut my finger with a knife on Saturday. I went to a knife store with my friends, they showed me a pink knife that reminder me of pinky pie from MLP and thet said: thats so you. The store worker allowed me to play with it and I accidentally cut myself on the finger while playing with it. What went through my mind in that moment was not: you're bleeding.

It was: wow, that didn't really hurt at all, so that's what being cut feels like? (If you understand what I mean). It really didn't hurt, it just stung and ever since then, I've been wanting a knife. Not really for SH but because I find knives really cool.

Idk where I was going with this, I just wanted to rant. I'm really tired and I need sleep