question (TW)
Yesterday I tried to hurt myself by cutting my arm with a sharp scalpel, but then I finally retreated due to the severity of the pain. Is this a dangerous indicator??
@optimisticSailboat7752
It can definitely be a dangerous indicator. I am glad that you retreated and didn't actually hurt yourself. Do you remember what you were feeling or what was going on when you decided to try to hurt yourself?
@Remina
I just wanted to punish myself because I didn't deserve a better life
@optimisticSailboat7752
I am sorry to hear that. What makes you feel that you don't deserve a better life?
@Remina
My family told me that I cause them annoyance by being among them, even though I do not leave my room so as not to disturb anyone.
@optimisticSailboat7752
That is not nice of them to say that. I am sorry they said those things. I understand how it would have been upsetting. Have they always expressed this to you?
@optimisticSailboat7752 Idk what to say. The very env you live in is harmful. Am really sorry. The things they say don't have to be true...and trust me-they're not true. If you can't get out of that env, then I think you'll have to learn to simply ignore those things and live life that way. And I know the constant nagging will still hurt a lot no matter how much we try to ignore, but the trauma experienced by you will be minimized...
@thoughtfulFriend8445
If I stay, what will happen, for example??
@optimisticSailboat7752
The beauty about life is that no one knows what is going to happen. Stay because your future is unwritten.
@optimisticSailboat7752 Oh f***, am really sorry I couldn't read your reply. What will happen is...I don't know tbh. Defense mechanisms and psychological effects vary wildly amongst ppl. Me for example, I have some traumas and now they've enabled me to be more empathetic, and love people with more intensity, I don not know if this is good or not, but I personally feel nice on being such as the ability to love deeply is one of the most freeing and beautiful ones while still regretting the traumas I had to face. It doesn't mean you should be happy of trauma or think it'll cause good always, but just try to ignore ppl who hurt you without knowing how you feel or caring about your feelings.
In the meantime, you can make an online friend, come here at 7 Cups Community and chat with such ppl to relieve tension. Also, get therapy as soon as you can if you decide to stay...and ask your therapist to convince your family for a family therapy so they hopefully get less toxic.
Know that there are ppl who love you and your value doesn't drop when some ppl start hating you, cuz the only one who can measure your value is....YOU!!! And now that you have so much power to measure yourself(Which is a right, not a power to be granted by someone else), reject all the societal metrics(Like marks, money, etc.) to measure your value, cuz it's you who have to measure it...we need to be careful of the system and standards we live upto, cuz you deserve the same care and emotional support and love as the President of your country or a struggling person, or a millionaire; for all humans at their core are creatures who need love. You don't need to do something to you cuz you think you are a burden, you don't need a reason to live, you are allowed to live without a reason... that's what the reality seems to scream at us.. "One must imagine Sisyphus happy." -Sir Albert Camus. I just want you to realise there's no logic in this world which can justify you harming yourself, and every logic justifying you need love. So trust me, you're a beautiful human who just is traumatised and needs support!
@optimisticSailboat7752 Okay, so listen up here. I'm angry with you for trying to hurt yourself! Do not EVER try to hurt yourself again. Please. For me. I beg you. And yes, this is a dangerous indicator, a VERY dangerous indicator. Please talk to some listener. PLEASE. And promise you won't harm yourself again to me. You don't need any punishment. You need love-that's it. And I love you. There are people who will love you-regardless of the sate you're in. It's not that you don't deserve a better life. You do. Who told you you don't deserve a better life? Societal standards? They are foolish. Why obey the rules of the society and punish yourself according to them if those standards never care how you feel!!? Cuz if they did, you'd never have been made to feel this low of yourself. Are you safe or are you still thinking of hurting yourself? Pls understand you deserve everything you dream by heart of. We all here love you. Just know that, and also talk to a listener
@thoughtfulFriend8445
I read your response with great interest and I shed tears of emotion
I don't do it because I have to, but because I want to relieve the pain
I have been living for more than twenty years in isolation, marginalization, and abhorrent exploitation
I no longer find any pleasure in life and I do not enjoy anything at all
I'm just trying to survive and not live in peace
I tried to find listeners here: someone blocked me and I don't know why
There are those who do not understand me, and there are those who stop talking and do not continue with me
Thank you for your honest words
@optimisticSailboat7752 Am sorry again for replying so late. Reading this makes me wanna hug you(Hugging is my love lang), talk to you for hours, and make you feel loved.
It aches me to know you've been living in such terrible, inhumane conditions for more than 2 decades. I suggest reaching out to an international or local human rights organisation for help. Please understand you have not lost the capacity to feel pleasure or joy again, you just haven't ever gotten the chance to heal. Like a fractured broken bone, it can be strong as new, but there MUST be right conditions. You simply need the right conditions. I want you to feel loved and cared. Would you like to tell what's the factor that caused this marginalisation, loneliness and exploitation? I hear the some listener blocked you...but it prolly wasn't cuz of you, maybe they had a bad day and blocked everyone for a while to rest for themselves, maybe they didn't want to talk to another member cuz they were overwhelmed, maybe they had some network issue. None of them are your fault. So don't think there's something wrong with you. There will def be ppl who do not understand you and there will be ppl who will stop talking to you, but THERE WILL ALSO BE PPL INTERESTED IN TALKING TO YOU! The ones who went had their own reasons, and none of it was your fault...
I just want to say I love you soo much and will always do "Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway" -Sir Zabala. You're safe at 7 Cups here. Take a deep breath...
@thoughtfulFriend8445
Your response is very nice and touching. I wish I could meet people like you in reality. You are very wonderful. Thank you
@optimisticSailboat7752 Just one last thing, you promise you won't harm yourself. Okay?
@optimisticSailboat7752 It doesnt have to be the end of you, think highly of what you can do. You can get change of things if you believe and work on it. Try meditation and reading a good spiritual book. Invest in your purpose and find out what you want to do. All the best.
@affectionateShade7072
I have changed my mind on the matter, but I feel deep and emotional pain that I cannot get over
