spiralling
TW
i just need to vent bc ive *** up so bad and might get kicked off my course which terrifies me bc then i have no purpose and i let everyone down and everything falls apart and ive been trying so hard to keep it together. but its my fault if i do. and i cut myself tonight and its worse than ive done in a long time and i feel so *** stupid for it but idk what else to do rn. i can’t bring myself to care enough. on my arm too which i promised myself i wouldn’t ever do again because of the risk of someone seeing and also wanting to get a tattoo to cover my scars, so i’ve *** that up. great. im just so scared and lost and alone and angry at myself i dont know what to do anymore. ive told myself i have to see my doctor tomorrow which terrifies me. i feel like the biggest fraud and im so scared about being a burden on everyone again because i cant keep my *** together or do anything right. i feel like escaping all the time but i can’t run away from this. i have to face it and im so ***. the consequences of *** this up are huge. and its entirely my fault. i will lose my sense of purpose and my leverage to actually build a career and be independent and be back at square 1 wondering what the *** to do feeling like a little lost kid again and idk if i can’t take it this time
i hate that all i want to do is hurt myself. it doesn’t fix ***. i should know this after this many years. i need to sort my *** out i’m too old for this. i just wish i didn’t feel like this. i wish i could function and my brain was *** normal and i didn’t spend these massive chunks of my life fighting with my own brain and losing. i try so hard to push through it but i end up hurting myself because i can’t ask for help and can’t cope. but then asking for help means admitting im a mess and can’t cope and letting everyone down. it’s a lose-lose.
@neonRaindrop Your not gonna let anyone down, and your not a burden. Thinking that your a burden is what stops a lot of people from getting help. But getting help is a good thing and a swear no one is going to think of you as a burden. I'm sorry you feel this way and I really hope you get better!💜🫂