More of an addiction than a want

I think I'm addicted to the pain and the scars. I was three months clean, but since today is Valentine's Day it's been rough. I just got out of a very toxic relationship and I still blame myself for not being able to help him (he would threaten to hurt or kill himself if I left). I know it's not my responsibility but I still feel awful and lonely. I ended up crying in front of the fire. Normally I'm a cutter but I've burned myself twice before and I couldn't stop myself. I ended up making 3 relatively large burns across my forearms. After it was over I felt invigorated instead of ashamed and then I felt guilty for praising my own mistakes. I'm trying, but I'm having trouble coping any other way. Any suggestions?