Staying Clean? (TRIGGER WARNING)
Trigger Warning for mentions of scars, past SH and relapsing.
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I've been trying to stay clean for so long and it keeps me awake at night just thinking about it. For example, now is a great one. It makes me feel disgusted when my scars accidentally rub or catch on fabric and it just makes me want to cry. I've always struggled with the aftermath of it all, and I always ask myself, "Why did I even do this? Why do I bother when I know I'll hate remembering it?". Then I'll remember that I'll do it all over again, the cycle repeats. I wish I could stop. I've been trying really hard to, and gosh, I promised myself I'd be better.
I hope one day I'll stop and look at myself and understand why. Love my body without feeling like I've desecrated it. Be able to sleep without thinking of pain. I can't imagine the fact that I've been living with this for a decade despite how long I've actually lived in comparison. It's like I've never lived a life knowing what it truly feels without all the hurt I've experienced.
@Cat3rissilly
You have lived with pain for a long time. Yes, the desecration has left you scarred for life.
Hopefully you can get past this, it's causing you all kinds of worry.
Thanks for sharing with us, there are so many people going through this, you are not alone.
Maybe talking to listeners can give you a better understanding of how this is harming you mentally as well as physically.
good luck in the future🌱
