i
this is my first post. ive been overthinking it for a while now so i think im just gonna say whatever comes out and leave it
hi lol my names mar. im 17. i started self-harming at 13 years old. i never really got help. at least not specifically for the self-harming. between ages 13-15 i saw many, many therapists, only one of which knew about my self-harming, and it was only cause my mom told them about it. i never mentioned it to anyone. to this day, i dont talk about my scars.
i self harmed basically everyday for like a year. sometimes itd be cutting, sometimes other stuff. i guess the point was to feel pain. i never did it cause it felt good, tho sometimes it did. i did it because it felt real. ive lived my whole life feeling like things will just drift away from me and ill be unable to do anything about it. pain felt like a grasp on reality.
a couple days after turning 15 i decided to stop. no outside help, no therapy, just me realizing that i hated what i was doing to myself and wanting it no more. unfortunately since then ive relapsed many, many, many times for different reasons. the only positive i can find to the relapses is that they never stuck around. itd just be a cut followed my immediate regret and a month or two of being clean. ive now been clean for 32 days. i really wanna turn 18 and be clean for good. idk if anyones even gonna read this but if u did thank u for listening to my ramblings lmao
@mrcrnvllltr
Hi Mar, welcome here. It is nice to have you joining our subcommunity and I hope we will be able to offer you the support you deserve.
I am really proud of you for sharing all these feelings and thoughts with us here. And I am proud of you for wanting to keep working on your recovery and definitely stop SH. It seems you have done many progresses and I am sure you will succeed.
It is very good that your relapses never last too long. And I also think there is something else that is good. You say they happen for different reasons. If you can elaborate on that, and really understand what triggers your urges, you will go an extra step onto your recovery process.
We are all here to support you and please do not hesitate to reach out if there is anything we can do for you. I am here should you for instance feel like discussing about your emotions or simply talking about alternatives to SH.
@admaiorasemper thank you so much wow. i think what triggers me the most is just thinking about my past. looking at my scars kinda triggers thoughts of self harm but i can control that to some extent, but whenever im reminded of those bad times it really messes me up. tho sometimes i just get really depressed for no real reason and i get urges.
thank u anyway for reading my post. im glad i downloaded this app lol
@mrcrnvllltr
You are very welcome, you deserve a space to be heard 
You say that looking at your scars and thinking about those bad times sometimes triggers your urges. I can understand this and I think it is a very precious insight you have on your process. Being aware is such an important step towards recovery.
Are you able to say why those urges happen exactly, I mean why your scars trigger you? For instance: do you reconnect to the emotions you were feeling in those instances? Or are you perhaps disappointed with yourself? Or what else?
* here for you *