Addiction part 1

This app I turn to it ever time I hurt my self even if it's small but I was doing good. I moved back in with my mom I left the state I was in to be with her an and ex of mine. We broke up which didn't hurt until I had found out I was pregnant again, it toke me so long to get over my first abortion. I never wanted to get pregnant again. But when I found out I burned my stomach, I don't think about this abortion I've been ignoring it and it's been haunting me. I tell my self I'm great I finally wanna live that's what I kept telling myself. I met someone who was more messed up then me didn't find out it was bad until he tried to kill me, it's like I'm attracted to lights that don't shine bright and beautifully. I think every light is so pretty until I find out it's not the light it's the darkness constantly pulling me in, that theirs not good in everyone. I put my self in situations that hurt me and I don't mean to, I came back because the other day while cooking I burned my finger pretty good and it felt amazing. The pain makes me feel so normal, I've had a couple hiccups before this event like my metal sign I bent by hitting my self in the head to calm down. Or when I scratch my wrist or pinch myself, but this burn helped so much, a kitchen accident turned into me burning my arm again I'm disgustingly good at hiding my burns. This one isn't like that rest of my burns I've done normally I get big blisters I pop but it's made up of tiny blisters and their all over my arm.