Circle painted in red
Yesterday, I had a relapse. I hate promised my boyfriend I would tell him so I did before I did it. It was near midnight so he was asleep and didn't respond. He is a recovering self harmer too. Today, the day after, he texted me something weird so I called him. I spoke to him for nearly an hour before he stepped away from the phone and cut himself for not being able to help me. I talked to him after and made sure he was okay. He wants to stay up all night to be there in case I need him, but I'm concerned for his health. After I hung up the phone I cried and I feel like I deserve more pain, but I stopped myself.
I'm worried about our relationship becoming toxic. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want us to hurt each other over and over again until we blame each other. What should I do? I'm so lost.
@PorcupineRay I am so sorry to hear about your situation. If you believe that you might be in a toxic relationship, do you think it'd be better to leave or stay? I hope that both of you can recover from self harming and that you and him recieve the help needed to stop
@UnconditionalLove3 That's the fear, but I also don't want to give up someone that I love. I'll probably see if it ever happens again, because it has only happened once but I could sense a pattern coming. Then I will take action because it's a repeated toxic decision.
for anyone that cares, I broke up with him and it sucks. I really hope I did the right thing because this hurts like hell. He doesn't understand but I just couldn't stand hurting him anymore. We are still friends but I know it will never be the same. I just wish I wasn't so fragile that when I break I cut everyone around me just to stop the pain. The whole thing just feels selfish. But I would rather take the pain than have him try and take it from me.
@PorcupineRay
Hi there, I am sorry you are going through this... even if it was your decision, I know you really care about him and I can tell from your words you are suffering. I hope you will be able to go through your emotions and feelings without being overwhelmed. You are not alone... we are here to listen to you.
Hi there @PorcupineRay. First of all a warm welcome here to you, as I see you are a new member. I am happy you have found us and I hope you will enjoy being here and feel supported.
I am really sorry to hear that both you and your boyfriend are struggling with SH. I imagine it being a very delicate situation, as you want to support each other but also feel guilty when it seems not to be working, thus somehow having your urges reinforced.
I would encourage you to be compassionate, both towards yourselves and each other. And simply try to be a distraction whenever the urge arises, doing something fun together if possible. You know each other likes and dislikes, so this may be a good starting point to suggest alternatives to SH.
Another idea. Have you ever heard of the Butterfly project? I wonder if drawing butterflies named after both of you could help. As a reminder of the love you share.
Hope these few words can help you.
@admaiorasemper Thank you so much for the advice and understanding. I will try that 🙂