Hello.

TW//

I’m writing here right now at about 2:29am.

It’s hard.

it really is hard.

you know when you watch those sad movies or documentaries and think.

”that could never happen to me”

”the emotions can’t be THAT bad”

”ITLL never happen to me I’m aware”

”they can just move on”

yeah that’s what I though for 10 years until half way through the time I was 11.

im obviously older now and this was in the past. But long story short I was abused and groomed by a guy who was 15 all the way through 17. He didn’t stop for a moment and take himself accountable when everyone confronted him about the hell he put me through.

meanwhile at that time I faced trauma from family. Family stuff and family issues SUCK!!

but it’s the abuse I faced and the grooming that broke me.

but this one isn’t about him. Or my family.

it’s about me.

I started sh myself week after week sometimes even in the bathroom stall of my school. I was in the guidance counselors office constantly because of major panic attacks and meltdowns.

I did get addicted to P*rn around the age of 14 as my strange way to cope with what happened to me over and over during the ages of 11 and 13.

I was more addicted to cutting more and more skin of my arms mostly my left. The incident of abuse was strangely not the first that caused me to sh.

I remember once at the age of 13. In my shower while the water dripped on my body, I was holding a notebook. I wrote about how sui*ci*al I was at that time. I wrote about my sh and porn addiction. I wrote about my sleep troubles and Body insecurities

Obviously the papers were wet, damped and torn apart. I wrote about my issues when crying how I faced lung and chest problems when crying.

I wrote how I passed out during a certain anniversary related to my abuse

I wrote about my addiction to going autopilot all the times, walking around my room thinking about the scenarios of my abuse and my abuser.

It’s very important to remember that thus man. Groomed me, yelled at me while he was underage drinking, manipulated and gaslighted me to the point I thought I was insane, he went as far as to become romantically possessive over me, patronize and bring his girlfriend to bring my insecurities out which resulted in me having major confidence and body insecurities.

This man also name called and insulted me, called me anything but my given name and put me through hell and back with his intense control and grooming behavior.

he fucked up my life. He fucked everything up

i isolated myself because of him, I lost so many friends, close relationships and even myself because of him