I don't cut I scratch...
I don't cut i scratch, why? I have no idea.
maybe I am/was a coward who can't bring herself to harming herself fatally even though I wish it some days.
Maybe I am just looking for attentuin and for somene who wants to help me change; that cares.
"this is your fault..." "if you could just change..." "why are you like this?..."
If i knew why i would stop this. i want to be happy.
Maybe it's all those fights i had in my teenage years where when i tried to give my opinion my mother would just shut down like a computer or become enraged where there was no talking only slamming doors or scream fests. Maybe it was because of everything she would get enraged over;sometimes so small I could never understand.
Maybe its because I took after her and how she liked to treat me only now I do it to others. I am the spitting image of how she acted, and I don't like it.
A impatient, unkind tongue that rolls derogative words off like a unbrella to rain. it's not to everyone though, just to my closest family and significate other(s)
"A-Hole" " Useless " " Lazy " " Child "
I never wanted to be this way. Harming people because of what was pounded into my as not only a teenager but a child. it might seem easy to change but to me its my hard wiring. It's in my DNA. Not helpless, but it feels like it.
I Don't cut myself I scratch. Why, I dont really know.
Maybe its because I deserve to live, because I deserve to have a good life not controlled but rage, fear and anything else holding my back. Just because i feel like i can't undo shit in my head doesnt mean its impossible.
if you read though the whole thing... thank you so much. it means alot.
@concavepearl97 I was a scratcher. I ended up cutting too. Now I only scratch when I'm hospitalized. But being better, as you want to, takes an effort. I have a horrible mother too, in the same scale, and I'm doing everything to not be like her.
Is it hard? Yes. Do I still have traits from her? Yes, but I'm trying. You have to be more attentive when you talk to others, so you don't hurt them. And most important of all: Don't punish yourself for hurting others by scratching.
And if you haven't learned it yet, learn to say you are sorry. Appologize. I know it's hard and I still struggle with it, bc a "sorry" feels like I'm weak or loosing a battle, but I'm getting there. I'm getting better. And I hope you will try that too 
@EvilRegalsReadToo it is really hard to admit you were wrong to a partner or family member when you are in the mitst of things. after everything is said and done i get to apologize then i feel over emotional. i havent gotten diagnosed yet but i have been reading into bipolar which i carry alot of traits and WAS diagnosed with depression and anxiety already... it's one heck of a ride man.
@concavepearl97 I know it's hard, but appologizing will help you get rid of the guilt. Ofc you don't have to do it now, but working towards it would be good. AND while learning that you have to learn not to appologize to the wrong ppl or for something you shouldn't be sorry about. To your mother as an example. To her you shouldn't appologize :)
@concavepearl97 And OFC one can't appologize in the heat of the moment. But doing it afterwards is good enough
@EvilRegalsReadToo thank you so much for reaching out, i really needed it!