I'm really trying

I didn't realize that I self harmed when I was younger. I thought self harm was only cutting, but back then I would bang my head against walls and hit my arms and legs to the point of me getting bruises. Around a year ago is when I started to cut my arms. I did my legs as well, and those were where I carved cruel words into my skin.

I was able to stop for my two younger sisters since we had moved in with them and my step dad. I didn't want them to see me like that, but we've recent moved out and back in with my mom. Of course, I don't want my mom to see me like this either, but it would be more traumatic for young kids to see me make myself bleed.

I've gotta say, I'm not even 12 hours clean from self harm. Just last night I resisted the urge to grab my mom's razor, and instead settled for scratching my arms with my nails instead.

I just feel guilty about everything. People tell me it's not my fault all the time, but no matter how many times I hear it my own self hate overrides it every time. I care more about others than myself, and I self harm because I feel as though I deserve it for everything that has happened.

I have so much love inside me, and I give it all away to everyone, but in the end there's none left for me. I hate myself so much. I beat myself up both physically and mentally every day, and deep down I just don't know why.

I just really needed to rant and write down my feelings. If you're reading this, thank you. It means a lot to know that other people are dealing with this and that other people, even complete stranger, care about what happens.