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dorkydorkxX
178 M Embraced 1
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2021 Member sinceAugust 25, 2021
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I don't know what to do
Depression Support / by dorkydorkxX
Last post
 September 2nd, 2021
...See more I hate being lonely. I watch my stap-fathers fiance and her family. She's so close with everyone. Her sister has friends she invited over. They're always laughing and talking and they all seem so happy. I can't make friends or keep friends anymore. I've broken off all contact with my old high school friends, but it wasnt because I hated them or anything. No, the reason why is because people just seem to drain the energy and life out of me. I can't focus on conversations and after I get close to someone I eventually feel like I'm just a burden to them or they don't want me around. I don't want to be lonely. I hate it. I hate having no one to talk to or make inside jokes to. I hate having no one to have deep conversations with or to tell someone about my problems and fears, but I don't know how to just stop being tired of everyone. I can't hold onto online conversations either. All those dating sites just make me fe weird. I hate it when people on there give me compliments or call me cute and all that stuff, but the loneliness is slowly killing me. I don't know what to do anymore.
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I'm really trying
Self-Harm Recovery / by dorkydorkxX
Last post
 August 25th, 2021
...See more I didn't realize that I self harmed when I was younger. I thought self harm was only cutting, but back then I would bang my head against walls and hit my arms and legs to the point of me getting bruises. Around a year ago is when I started to cut my arms. I did my legs as well, and those were where I carved cruel words into my skin. I was able to stop for my two younger sisters since we had moved in with them and my step dad. I didn't want them to see me like that, but we've recent moved out and back in with my mom. Of course, I don't want my mom to see me like this either, but it would be more traumatic for young kids to see me make myself bleed. I've gotta say, I'm not even 12 hours clean from self harm. Just last night I resisted the urge to grab my mom's razor, and instead settled for scratching my arms with my nails instead. I just feel guilty about everything. People tell me it's not my fault all the time, but no matter how many times I hear it my own self hate overrides it every time. I care more about others than myself, and I self harm because I feel as though I deserve it for everything that has happened. I have so much love inside me, and I give it all away to everyone, but in the end there's none left for me. I hate myself so much. I beat myself up both physically and mentally every day, and deep down I just don't know why. I just really needed to rant and write down my feelings. If you're reading this, thank you. It means a lot to know that other people are dealing with this and that other people, even complete stranger, care about what happens.
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What do I do now?
Depression Support / by dorkydorkxX
Last post
 August 25th, 2021
...See more I used to be so talkative when I was younger. I always found myself in a group of friends and actually had a lot of people who liked me. I was never bullied or anything either, but ever since my sophomore year of highscho I've only had one friend: my older sister. I went to the same middle school for three years, so when highschool rolled around I knew a lot of people and still had majority of the same friends. But as my freshman year continued on, I just felt tired. I suddenly hates talking to my friends and others at school. They just started to make me feel, like, drained. Like talking to them and interacting with them was sucking out a the energy from me. By the end of freshman year I had one major friend, and then I moved schools. I had Facebook back then, so all my friends were friends on it, but I had the sudden urge to just delete them all. So I did. I completely wiped my Facebook page, breaking off of contact with not only friends but family as well. It made me feel guilty. I only made one friend in my new school, and that was only because the guy liked me as more than a friend (I couldn't date him. I had just gotten out of a scary relationship). And ever since then, I've had no friends. People just suck out all the energy I have left. I don't have online friends, and I don't talk to people at work so I dont make new friends. I'm just not sure what to do now. I'm lonely, and I want friends and a relationship, but at the same time I just can't deal with it. Thank you for reading my long thread.
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How can I get comfortable?
Relationship Stress / by dorkydorkxX
Last post
 September 16th, 2022
...See more I've always been very shy around people, especially those I like. I've acually never admitted to ANYONE I liked that I actually liked them, so I really haven't dated much. My first relationship was with a sweet and funny guy. He also had bright yellow highlighter hair which I found awesome, but after dating for a short amount of time, I just felt...tired. Like, emotional drained. I always disliked chatting and hanging out with people and friends outside of school, but when you're in a relationship you kinda have to do that. A relationship relies on actually talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend and spending time right them, both things that just made me feel tired. I really enjoyed his company though, but after about three months we broke it off. And of course, it made me feel extremely guilty. The second guy I dated was a a new school. He was cute and we sat next to each other in Spanish. We only dated for two days. In relationships your boyfriend/girlfriend would want to hold hands or lay their head in your lap, and some people might find these things just casual things to do. It's quite the opposite for me. I've always hated touching other people, but it's gotten worse over the years. I can't even hug my own sister anymore or shake hands with strangers without internally screaming, and my second boyfriend just didn't understand that. He actually scared me which is why I broke it off. But while I find holding hands and kissing disgusting, I can't help but want to do those things as well. I want to date someone because I'm lonely, but every time I try to start an online relationship I end up blocking the person before it gets serious. I think my problem is with the way I see myself. I hate getting compliments from people, and while others may find it cute it makes me nervous when someone gives me a nickname or something or says I'm beautiful. It just makes me feel wrong. I was hoping that someone may have experienced this, and I want to know if you guys have any ideas or suggestions. Maybe there's a way I can learn how to touch people again, or gain some positivity about myself. Thank you for reading my thread!!
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Is it possible I have Bulimia or Anorexia?
Eating Disorder Support / by dorkydorkxX
Last post
 August 25th, 2021
...See more I've done research on both of them and right before I lost contact with my therapist, due to her moving, we were discussing about me possibly having an eating disorder. I've read about both anorexia and bulimia, and to be honest, I've had symptoms of both of them. Around the time my therapist left I was dealing with major body issues and negative body image. I hated how I look, and I still do but it's not as severe. I began to grow a hate of eating and after eating a lot I would feel extremely guilty and try to throw it all up. That ended after a month or two, which is great, but it quickly moved to hardly eating anything at all. In the beginning I did it on purpose and skipped meals and such, but now I cant eat. It's not on purpose anymore. I just can't eat. I eat, like, two bites of something and I'm full and can't handle it anymore. If I eat just a bit too much I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to throw up, and it doesn't help that I begin to gag on my food after a while of eating. I eat almost one meal a day, and it's been worrying both me and my mother, especially since I've began to lose weight. I'm not exactly sure if this is an eating disorder. It may just be my body reacting to having a strange eating way for a few months, but I'm not sure how to solve it either. I'm currently trying to find a new therapist and my psychiatrist and I are trying to take care of my medication so hopefully my eating will get back to normal. Thank you for reading my long thread!
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How Do I Love Myself?
Depression Support / by dorkydorkxX
Last post
 September 8th, 2021
...See more I was diagnosed with Bipolar around 4 years ago. Soon after I started seeing a therapist, but ever since I was young I was never able to think for myself. I never explored how i felt, or my own emotions because I based my thoughts, feelings, and actions on other. I hate making people sad so I tell them liea and pretend to be happy and carefree. I don't argue with anyone out of fear of them getting annoyed or angry with me. It makes me happy when others are happy, sad when others are sad, and angry when others are angry, especially people I'm close to. When I first started seeing my therapist, I noticed that I said "I don't know" a lot and apologized for every little thing I felt was annoying. I found it very hard to see my therapist, because I was so used to reading people's emotions and basing my mood and actions off of them, but my therapist...well, I couldn't read her. I never knew what she was thinking, and to be honest, it scared me. I thought my Bipolar was bad from my lack of coping skills, and we focused on that for a long time. Soon after my therapist moved, I realized something, especially after doing a lot of discovery about myself. My Bipolar started from my lack of self-confidence. I always did what was best, not for me, but for others, and because of that I got the idea that I didn't matter stuck in my head since I was young. I hate myself so much. I hate how I look, how I sound, how I can never keep friends, but deep down I don't really know why I hate myself so much. I blame myself for everything bad that has happened in my families life. It's just a thought that comes straight to my head, like instinct. I can't help but hurt myself sometimes because I feel as though I deserve it. I haven't had a therapist for about a year now (I'm working on getting one), but in the meantime I want to know how some of you learned how to accept and love yourself. I wanna know what you love about yourself, and what others love about you, and thank you for taking the time to read this lost thread.
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I don't know what to do
General Support / by dorkydorkxX
Last post
 February 15th, 2022
...See more So, like the title says, I honestly don't know what to do in the current situation I'm in About 5 months ago we moved into my mom's new boyfriend's house (let's call him Daniel for privacy reasons). Daniel has two kids, a 4 year old (let's call her Freya) and an 8 year old (let's call him Conner). They love in a small townhouse with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a living room/kitchen. They donr have a lot of space and Daniels mother also lives with them. Me, my older sister, and our mother moved in, and of course we had to move around stuff and people. My mother stays in Daniels room, and me and my older sister moved into Conner and Freya's room. Conner and Daniels mother now sleep downstairs on the two couches they have while Freya shares the room with me and my sister. I just had a conversation with Freya, and you know how honest kids are at times. She's mentioned this before, but she says that the bed used to be hers, the closet used to be theirs, and that the room is her and Conners. She's absolutely right of course, so I asked her a question and she honestly answered. I asked her if she disliked us living here, and she said yes. She said she wanted us to go back to our step-fathers house and that she wants her and Conners room back. I was already feeling guilty about taking their room when we first moved in, but now I absolutely despise and hate myself for it. But we can't just simply move into our step dad's place. He's already living with 9 people in his house, and I really have nowhere else to go. I...don't know what to do. I want to move out but I have a leopard gecko here, and my mother helps me cope with my bipolar and anxiety, but being here just makes me hate myself more. Please offer suggestions and ideas as to what I should do, and thank you for taking the time to read this.
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