Relapse (trigger warning)
After almost an entire year clean I relapse again last night. I am in a really bad place right now and I was just feeling so alone and so sad and in pain and it was just like an instinct. I feel ashamed but I also do t think I’m gonna get better any time soon.
I obsessively pick my skin (specifically the skin on my thumbs) so my hand have been bleeding all day in school. I didn’t manage to stop that picking in the year I’ve been clean but I stopped cutting, so I feel so upset that I’ve gone back to this.
I’ve only been on 7 Cups for a short time so I don’t know if this is what I’m meant to do or say, I’m sorry.
@owo123 please don't feel sorry or ashamed, recovery is an on going process, which is tough and you are doing so well in seeking help and support.
@owo123 have you tried contacting a listener to discuss what's going on? I find that helps a lot x
I’ve talked to a few but I don’t know what to say or anything. What can they do? All I’m doing is transferring my issues onto someone else
@owo123 I don't think talking about our issues is transferring them to someone else--there is a reason things like AA, therapy, outpatient treatment are all geared around talking and sharing. I get that it can feel that way when we're down. None of us is smarter than the rest of the world, so reaching out is one way to get support outside our own heads.
Sorry, I realise that sounds very bitter
@owo123
im sorry you are going through this bad patch to cause your habit to come back. I hope a listener has been able to chat with you. Whatever has caused you to do this habit again try to get to the root of it and keep a diary if you can it's for you to see how to solve it gradually. What I used to do was pull my eye lashes if I didn't do that it would be something else. Try and occupy those habits with something so you don't do any picking on your self. Hope you get through this and remember life will change when you change something x
I will try. Thank you for caring
I’m still not doing so great. A few of my friends got really drunk for the first time so I didn’t get much sleep texting them and making sure they were okay. I haven’t cut again, but my skin picking has gotten a lot worse. My hands bleed and I picked my forehead so much it’s all inflamed and gross looking, which is really really bringing my all ready rock bottom self esteem down. I’m sorry to disappoint the people who believed in me to be strong, because I haven’t been
@owo123 Sorry to hear that. Would it help to do an AA/NA/support group zoom meeting? I do those almost daily right now, since I've been coming out of a funk myself. I dunno, after a lapse I tend to think our brains are going to go through a bit (PAWS, etc), and I have to expect I'm going to feel crappy about myself for a couple days--it's how I deal with that that helps me start feeling better.
@dynamicCoconut1432 Sorry, it isn't that I wasn't listening to what you said, it's that I didn't look carefully at which group this was in--everything I said applies to any relapse, I just should have said an online support group session rather than specifically AA/NA. It can help to hear people talk live.
Things have only gotten worse to be honest. My family life is only getting rockier, my friends are all in varying stages of unhappiness and I am not coping well. Today I found it so difficult to get out of bed, I had two exams (one of with I’m pretty sure I bombed), and I had a blood test where my nurse couldn’t find the vein and so the needle has left a deep, painful bruise. I have the blood test because I have coeliac disease which makes my depression and sleep problems worse, as well as meaning I can’t eat any gluten without getting sick. My mum bought me a packet of crisps to make up for the painful blood test, but then I read the packet and found out I couldn’t even eat them. I’m picking more and more, and I’ve been digging my nails in to my hands as well especially when I’m upset because it stops me from crying. I’m really really struggling.
Sorry about the rant, I hope all of you are doing better x
I hate school so much now. I just can’t cope, I can’t stay awake, I cant focus. If no one needed me, I would just disappear. I sort of wish no one did need me, because disappearing seems so much easier than life right now. I’m so unhappy, but I will keep holding on because I have to look after all the people who need me. I’ve started tearing at my arms with my nails — it’s not cutting, so people don’t notice as much, but the pain is enough to ease the depression for a few minuets each time
hope anyone who reads this has a good day and gets happier soon x
@owo123 You seem to be in a lot of pain right now. The thoughts about disappearing you're having and your feeling unable to cope seems to be making you feel overwhelmed. I know how difficult it is facing depression and to resist the urge to self harm. I'm wondering would turning to some helpful way of letting out your pain would be of any good? I hope you have a great day too! x
@owo123 I'm so proud of you that you had been able to stay clean for an entire year. Some emotions, experiencing the pain, feeling alone, all this can be so tough. It's really hard to fight the urge to self harm. It's nothing to feel sorry to talk about it.
