help, panic attack (?)

tw: meltdown/panic attack, self-harm episode

i don’t really know what i just went through but i’m still recovering from it. my day had been going quite normally until just thirty minutes ago or so, i wasn’t keeping track of time, but i just had something that seems like a panic attack or meltdown, idk what the term is but basically i started crying and freaking out a lot about stuff and i was pacing back and forth in my room feeling overwhelmed and stressed to a point ive rarely felt before. this feeling is familiar as i’ve had episodes like these in the past but very rarely. i turned to my diary to write how my thoughts because it really felt like i was about to implode if i didn’t express my thoughts instantly and to something other than my own self. i’m still feeling pretty fragile and i’m going to shower now and listen to some music and i really hope that that will be enough to calm me down. i think i’ll post later what i wrote in my diary during my breakdown. so as i was writing i went somewhat insane almost and started writing down my feelings in very big letters and i was writing so fast and roughly i almost ripped the whole journal apart. before this i had scratched myself on my chest, neck, and arms, and felt very frustrated that it was something i just had to do. it didn’t really make me feel good to scratch at my own skin but it was more like an uncontrollable action that i naturally felt like i had to do. i’m a bit concerned as during these meltdowns i would sometimes scratch myself or hit my head but never intensely, it was always pretty controllable, but this time i left visible scratch marks and there’s two on my neck that are quite noticeable and now i feel even more regret for what i just did to myself. i remember i was humming and kind of singing and as i started doing that it seemed to help me stop harming myself. i kept writing in my diary and then i actually stabbed into the diary pages and did very aggressive scratching motions with my pen into the pages and ripped some pages apart. i had never done anything like that before. the only other time i remember being this miserable was about ten years ago when i scratched myself for some weeks that i ended up with a scar on my thigh from the piece of skin i’d scratch. i just really need to soothe myself and restore faith in myself in spite of what the closest people to me make me do to myself, because it’s really f***** hard at the moment. i’ve never felt more truly alone. i literally don’t tell a single soul how i feel, this is the only place i get vulnerable like this, and it is literally eating me alive, from the inside out. having these thoughts and keeping these problems to myself are doing anything but making them go away, they just keep growing and i feel like i can’t do anything to stop it. it’s eating away at me, little by little. i don’t know what i’m going to do anymore but i just need to stop letting people’s words get to me, cause sometimes they don’t even mean any harm but it will send me into a violent meltdown and i can’t tell them about it because they don’t want to be blamed for it. and it makes sense because what they said was only a joke, they can’t control how i react. but sometimes when i’ve kept it inside shut away from everyone for just enough time the bomb in my brain will go off even if it’s just a tiny harmless little poke that touches it. i hate seeing these marks on myself, i have so many things to do and people to see this week and i hope my marks go away by tomorrow.