maybe i don’t want to stop
i’ve been clean for almost 50 days now and honestly i don’t feel proud of it at all. when i started i never thought that it would be like this and now i just regret that i ever had to try it. it’s been nearly a year so far and i think of doing it almost every day. i like having the scars, the feeling of them. to be completely honest.. it’s freaking me out like i’m creeping myself out and i don’t know what to do about it. it’s almost like i don’t want to stop. i realised i’m actually addicted to it. i just don’t see a reason to stop.
It must be so difficult to feel this way, and I'm really glad you're expressing and sharing this. Here's a list of reasons not to harm yourself that aren't superficial. Hopefully there's something here that resonates with you! Sending warmth! 💜🌿
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1B-eOsoBYMvpqNHHpISzxG0S4kExwBVdD/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=107482227577342522451&rtpof=true&sd=true
thank you a lot! it’s really nice seeing people trying to help you stop and find another solution :)
@WarmLightXO
Though this wasn't for me specifically, thank you, thank you immensely for sharing it.
I have no words to express how much these words validate all the struggles I've faced these past months. The energy that this secret of self-harm took away from me.
I'll remember it. Even when the voices that whisper to me to make me relapse "just once" will be strong, I will face them.
@kris004
Hey, how are you feeling right now?
I'm not a listener, but I want you to know you are not alone. I felt similar to you some time ago: No reasons to stop, just wanting to keep going down the spiral of self destructive behaviors, because they really do give you the illusion they can make you feel better. But that's it, it's just an illusion.
I want you to know it gets better. No, it's not easy, but I want you to know that if I'm managing it, you can do it too. One day you'll feel ready to stop, even if maybe you still won't be totally sure, you'll be able to stop.
Please take care of you.
If you need to talk I'm here to listen and support you.
I’m a bit better now. Thank you for asking and for sharing all of this about your experience. It means a lot and it’s really not easy at all. I’m just hoping the day I feel ready comes sooner :/ Thank you!
@kris004
I'm gald you're a bit better now. :3
It's okay if all these feelings and thoughts you described in the post above are scaring you - it's not nice no, but it can happen, I had them too -, it's okay if they make you uneasy and it's normal if they come and go like waves. Do you want to talk about them more?
Yes, it's not easy, not al all, and I'm so proud of you because you are getting through it.
Idk if t can help, but try to get youself busy, do stuff you like, or small stuff you know you can complete and that can distract you from you mind when it gets too heavy, it helped me a bit, it might help you too, or at least I hope so.
When you'll need a hear to listen to you I'll be here, so write it whenever you feel like it.
Thank you so much! You have no idea how much something like this can help. Just knowing that others have gone through it before me and have felt the same way. It’s kind of grounding in a way.
Also I appreciate your advice a lot! I’ll try to stick to doing that and hope it works out for me too. It’s just that sometimes distracting myself doesn’t always do the job. There’s always a time where i’ll just be sitting down, not doing anything and it’ll pop up in my mind and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. Since i started, it’s always been the first thing that comes to my mind as a coping mechanism. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t help it and it just builds up all of this guilt and sometimes the progress I’ve made doesn’t seem worth to even keep track of. I don’t know if that makes sense.
Again thank you a lot! You’ve already helped more than enough.
@kris004
I understand what you mean. Being busy can work, but not always, it's okay.
Self-harm is a coping mechanism, as you said, it's something that we learn can make us feel better, our mind knows it's the easiest thing to do, even if it's not healthy. It's normal if it's the first thing you think about even when you'd prefer not to, it's okay if it happens. I know how distressing it is having that fear in the back of your mind of how these thoughts can happear at any moment with no warning.
I want you to know it's not your fault.
Sometimes I still feel like this, but it's getting easier and easier.
Yes, what you said makes total sense to me. Everything you feel makes sense.
Your progress is worth it. You are worth the effort it takes to keep progressing through recovery. Still, for how many words I can write, this is something you have to realize yourself at your own pace. Just... don't pressure yourself, it will take the time you need, there is no wrong or right way to do this.
What do you feel when you track down your progress? (if you don't feel comfortable replying just let me know, it's okay)
Thank you! I guess I just need more time to come to terms with it and fully recover without keeping to go back to doing it. And about tracking my progress… I’m not sure if it helps the way I want it to. Idk if I can put it into words, but it almost feels pressuring to reach all of these milestones. I guess you’d normally expect to see how many days you’ve been clean for and feel proud of yourself and all of your progress. But it’s not like this for me. Maybe because I just know that these thoughts can come back at any given moment and I won’t be able to stop them. It feels like I don’t have any control and reaching milestones like being clean for 50 days isn’t something that makes me feel like it’s going to prevent these thoughts from coming back. I just take it as a number that sooner or later, I’ll have to reset.
@kris004
I'm a bit late, but anyway, how are you feeling lately? (feel free to share anything)
Oh! All of this resonates deeply with me, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's rough and confusing. I've felt very similar. I used to track progress just to slip, and I used to keep track also of my slips, because that was it: I didn't want to stop, I had no reason to, even though I was tecnically trying to quit. Stopping completely made me feel more guilty than if I kept relapsing, and my slips felt like victories. Sometimes it's all messed up.
I stopped tracking my progress when I understood it was just another thing that made me feel worse. Idk if this is your case, but maybe tracking is what builds up the pressure and the guilt even more, maybe you can try stop trying to control your progress everyday and see how it goes. What do you think about this option?
Did you talk about this with someone? Do you have someone who can support you (a family member/a therapist/frieds...) ? Let me know, if you feel comfortable. I care about you.
@Sonnenschein2000
i’ve been fine, you could say. thank you for asking. how have you been feeling :)
you literally just put so many of the emotions i’m feeling right now into words. mainly what you said about not wanting to stop, but still trying to quit at the same time. i really relate to that. also i haven’t tried to stop tracking my progress before, but i think it’s a good idea. i REALLY appreciate you trying to give me options and helping me find different solutions.
i’ve shared it, but i don’t have anyone to support me. i don’t really talk with my parents much and i don’t visit a therapist, but i talked about it with a close friend of mine. let’s say it wasn’t the best idea i’ve had. they just didn’t know what’s a normal reaction to something like that and started putting guilt on me, which i don’t blame them for at all. since then i haven’t tried to talk about it again. but you’ve actually been helping a lot :)
@kris004
Hey, asking you how you are doing is the bare minimum, really.
If you are going to try to stop tracking, let me know how it goes in the next weeks and how it makes you feel.
I'm sorry the response of your friend wasn't exactly what you needed in that moment and it added more guilt. It's okay. You have tried, and I'm so proud of you for it. You also recognize that your friend wasn't trying to be mean on purpose, but maybe they just didn't know how to respond, nevertheless what they said hurt you deeply, that's undeniable. It's not your fault, okay?
I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, so whenever you need I'm just a text away, even if it takes some time to reply.
Would you like to try to talk to this friend again or to someone else you trust? Maybe you can explain them what you need from them. I know talking is not easy, it's a massive stress actually, but we can try to understand how to make this work. You deserve so much love and support.
@Sonnenschein2000
You know, sometimes the bare minimum is more than enough :’)
Thank you for reassuring me, i know it’s not my fault, but again it did hurt to receive shame from one of my closest people on a sensitive for me topic. That’s definitely one of the reasons i haven’t tried sharing it with someone else since then. I’m honestly happy that i’m talking about it here :) But even if i had the courage to talk about it, i don’t even have anyone to share it with. That’s one of the things that brought me here. Because after more than a year, it was just getting too much. And honestly i wish i had someone to talk about it with.
@kris004
I'm happy you are talking about it here too. Sharing something so personal and that is causing you distress it's the first step. I'm glad you did it!
I know how it feels yeah, having no one to talk with makes you feel so alone. It makes everything heavier, till it all ends up being too much, as you said, you reach a point where it feels impossible and you are near collapsing.
I wish you had someone to talk with too. I know it's not much, but 7cups it's a start, so please use it when you need it, you deserve to be heard and supported. You matter.
Tell me, would you be able to find a therapist? And yeah i understand that talking wit your parents sounds hella scary, but do you think you could try? even to just one of the, is there one of them you trust more?
@Sonnenschein2000
Thank you a lot for everything you’ve said!! It truly means the world to me!
I can easily find some therapist’s phone number and contact them but as you said, talking with your parents about it is quite scary. I’m not on the best terms with neither of them and i’d prefer my family to not know about it….but idk how to pay for it. Sadly my scholarship won’t be enough to pay for therapy in long-term since i’m saving money for other stuff as well. So i don’t think there’s an option where they don’t know about it, but i also don’t think i’ll have the courage to ask :’(
@kris004
Hey! Thank you for being here
I understand the struggle, it's not easy at all. What if you tell them you'd like to see a therapist without mentioning self-harm? I know it is still hard even if you don't specifically talk about what is upsetting you right now, but yeah, maybe they'd listen a bit to you.
Or maybe mmh are there where you live some associations that can help people in need find a therapist at low prices or for free?
Anyway, when you need to talk about anything we are here and we are with you. You are not alone.
@Sonnenschein2000
Thank you for being here as well!!
I guess I can still try to talk to them or to one of them. But I think keeping self-harm a secret from them is the best decision.
I don’t think there are ones for free, but i can probably find more affordable counselling somewhere. Thank you for the idea :)
@kris004
Take your time. If you'll be able to talk with your parents, let me know! I believe in you. Let me know if you find some opportunities for some cheap options for therapy too.
How is it going with the tracking/no tracking stuff?
@Sonnenschein2000
Thank you a lot!! I will let you know when I get to talk to them.
I stopped tracking a few days ago and there’s no big difference. It’s not like i expected anything to change so fast, but I don’t know if that will help the pressure. Although i’ll still keep trying :)
@kris004
Yeah, I understand, things don't change easily, although it's annoying, it's okay. Try to stay safe.
Take care of yourself!
Shame is a corrosive feeling that most of the time leads us in keeping secrets and silence.
Shame DOESN’T support to share our story.
We dissolve shame by sharing our story!