my lonely ending

i feel very depressed and hopeless right now. i want to en.d my suffering because i feel burdened by my problems and insecurities. i feel all alone and nobody loves me for who i am. they will only love me if i met their expectations. im afraid to seek help in therapy because i had many experience in the past that they just betrayed my trust and expose my confiedentiality towards other. i admit that i felt grudge towards them because theyre the one who worsen my condition. i know that we should not blame others but i cant help what i am really feeling right now. i had no one to talk to. sometimes i think life is very unfair to me. maybe God is punishing me because i had many sins in the past. i became rebellious in college. i made out with my boyfriend, i failed my subject. i give shame to my family. im a good for nothing person honestly, right now im finding it hard to get a job because of my depression. i dont know what to do in life. i want to help myself. i find many ways to help myself but im still here stuck in the same place where id been. im still the same old person. honestly despite taking medications i still think of en.ding it all because my life has no meaning. sorry if i sound too depressing. i just want to let it out. in fact i felt like crying but i cant let it out. in fact im planning ways to escapy my suffering. im thinking of maybe i should get out here in my family's house. i dont know.