I want to do it again but I’m scared [TW: SH, some details]
The first time I cut was when I was 10 or 11. I tried using a kitchen knife at the time which didn’t cut that deep.
Now I’m 14 and cut again, but a little worse. The tool I used this time didn’t cut so deep but made me bleed a lot.
every time I’ve cut so far, it was because of my family. I don’t have it bad, but it’s more of the emotional side. My family fights a lot, and all the boys in my family are the main ones that start and cause the problems. My brother beats me up and my parents don’t care. Of course I love my mom, but she doesn’t discipline him in these situations. My dad just stands on the side and argues about crap he doesn’t want to do so he makes me do it. I hate my dad and brothers. I clearly show to my dad how much I dislike him by ignoring him or trying to avoid him. He try’s to “make it up” by trying to hug me (I hate physical touch) and always says ‘if you don’t always treat me so bad maybe…’.
today, I was trying to get a frog out of my house cause my family was too scared, but my brother shoved me to the he ground to take a video of the frog. I threw the towel I was going to use to pick up the frog at him and told him “ if you won’t let me get it out of the house, you do it yourself” he then started wiping me with the towel and I ran to my room.
this isn’t even all of it. I wanted to cut again, but I’m hesitant. I know it doesn’t really hurt for me when I do it tho.
I really want a therapist, but therapists could always tell other people and my parents probably wouldn’t let me. Plus my brothers would make fun of me.
( sorry for writing almost my whole life story)
Trigger warning added to title, June 11, 2022 by AffyAvo
@lightSpruce450
i hope life gets better for you, bud.. sorry to hear about this. :( <3
Hey kiddo, I know you posted this a while ago but I just came across as wanted to offer something.
Emotional side bad is bad enough. I'm not sure how concerned one should be your brother beating you up and your family watching from the sidelines because that's not okay. You do need your mom in your corner or some boundaries set about how much your brother is around you. How old is he? And please, please don't do this to yourself, you're worth so much more. Don't let him hurt you.
And as for the therapist, they won't tell anyone unless they think you're being hurt and they need to involve social services or something, so if that's something thats accessible, go for it. You're very young and you have a lot ahead for you, best to tackle what you can.
Hope things get better for you! Good luck
@lightSpruce450 It does sound like getting support with healthy coping techniques would benefit you. You could also discuss with a therapist what types of things they must disclose and to whom before you tell them details about your problems. I think it's also likely you could contact a therapist and have that discussion for free, before involving your parents if you know that is someone you could go to (ie. insurance coverage) if you do decide to go ahead and tell your parents you want therapy.