New and fighting urges (TW)
So like, hey I’m new here. I just really need support and help. I’m working myself into panic attacks several times a day when I can’t distract myself and right now I can’t distract myself. I know it’s not good for me, and I made a big step a month ago by getting rid of my tools it’s just, I can’t get rid of my hands. Even if I keep my nails short, I can still scratch at my arm. I try to reach out but I feel guilty for constantly going to this one person. He says it’s fine, that if he were sick of me that he’d block me and he’s obviously not done that yet. It’s just, idk, I am constantly hurting. Even my brief feelings of joy are then washed out and I’m back to the bad thoughts. I mean so far I’m clean since like early April? I don’t even remember, I stopped remembering because it hurts more when you remember the streak number when you lose it. I’m sick of these feelings, I’m fantasizing about the bad. I can’t even think about like hanging out with my friends without thinking “what if you puked suddenly” or “what if you just passed out” and god forbid the thoughts about the inevitable. This even happens when I’m like actually hanging out with them too, although less because I’m actually in the moment. I know they care about me and love me, I just have these thoughts because I want them to love me more, to pity me, to take care of me. I want to be better, I want to be, it’s just so hard and I can’t see myself anymore. I don’t know who I am without my pain.
@Cl1ck0fTh3Ba1t
Hey there, it takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help. I'm glad you did. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, and I'm sorry to hear that. It's understandable to feel guilty about reaching out to the same person for support, but please remember that it's okay to ask for help as much as you need it. That's what friends are for.
It's great that you took a big step by getting rid of your tools, but I understand that it's harder to get rid of the urge to harm yourself altogether. It's important to remember that recovery is not a linear process, and there may be ups and downs along the way. Celebrate the small victories and don't be too hard on yourself for slip-ups.
Have you considered talking to a therapist or a mental health professional? They can provide you with tools and techniques to manage your issues and help you work through these difficult emotions.
Lastly, I want to remind you that you are not defined by your pain. You are a whole person with many unique qualities and experiences. It's okay to not know who you are without your pain, but with time and support, you can discover new aspects of yourself and learn to live a fulfilling life without relying on self-harm as a coping mechanism ❤️
Thanks, I appreciate it. I’ve been doing a lot better since posting this originally and have found myself working towards (albeit small) goals. Where otherwise I had wanted to die, I can now feel happy. Thank you for your support.
@Cl1ck0fTh3Ba1t I am so glad to hear that you are doing better and working towards your goals. It takes courage and strength to overcome difficult times, and I am proud of you for pushing through. Remember to always be kind to yourself and celebrate even the smallest accomplishments. Keep up the good work, and don't hesitate to reach out for support when you need it 😊
