Self harm relapse
After two years of not harming myself...I gave in and hurt myself tonight. I have an urge to punish myself whenever I feel like I did something wrong, or whenever Im overwhelmed and have no relief. Its like an itchy thought thats always there. Whether is making myself throw up (not to lose weight, but to punish myself) cutting, or burning...I think about it. My first experience I have a vivid memory of being abused while I was a young child and afterwards even though I had already experienced pain from the abuse...i was panicking and crying on the floor ...trying to cope with what had just happened...I was so overwhelmed i slammed my head hard into the floor. The relief I felt was immediate. I stopped crying and put myself back together. I know my ptsd contributed to my relapse, but being let down by my partner was the first trigger into my relapse. Expectations lead to disappointment they say... and I expected my partner to be there for me when Im in distress like I am for him and I was let down, and overwhelmed with flashbacks and disappointment.
Hi, Bambinash.
I don't think I'm good at encouraging people, but I'm very honest, so I hope you believe what I'm gonna to tell you. You are strong, you are a really brave and resilient person and you can overcome anything that came to you. You were strong enough to stop hurting yourself two years ago, you could avoid it for a very long time even though I know the urges are pretty intense.
Having said that, unfortunately, we can not control the ways other people react. But we can control, up to some extend, how we react to that. Have you talked to your partner and explained to him/her how he/she made you feel? Maybe stopping bottling the emottions up is a good way to start recovering again.
Hope you are a little bit better today.
