TW: relapse

TW: RELAPSE !!!!

After 5 years and 9 months without self-harm, I recently relapsed. This time, however, it happened in a way I never expected.

It feels heavy to admit this, especially because I had managed for so long and truly believed I was “further along.” Still, it happened, and instead of disappearing into shame and anger, I’m trying to share it here.

I lost control over myself and harmed myself in a way that, until now, I didn’t even realize "counted" ​ as self-harm. For quite some time, I’ve noticed that in stressful situations, or when I feel like I’m losing control, I start pulling and scratching at my skin, mainly my fingers and neck. For a long time, I saw this as a bad habit rather than self-harm.

Last night, however, it escalated completely. I became so overwhelmed that I blacked out. When I came back “to consciousness,” my entire neck was tingling. It was only when I opened my phone camera that I realized what had happened. That moment terrified me, mainly because of myself.

I feel incredibly ashamed and filled with regret. After such a long period without self-harm, this relapse feels like failure, even though I rationally know that recovery is not a straight line. I’m also afraid that my mom, grandparents, or friends might see this. That fear and shame make it even harder to deal with.

I’m sharing this here because I don’t want to carry it alone, and because I hope for understanding or support. If anyone has tips on how to cope with stress and loss of control without hurting myself, or can simply offer a listening ear, it would mean a great deal to me.

Thank you for reading. <3

Good to know: I’ve also just taken the step to seek professional help and have submitted a request for an appointment with a psychologist.