Trigger warning - sharing therapy stories after surviving a suicide attempt

Trigger warning!

This Wednesday I'll be sharing with my therapist more about what happened when I attempted suicide, 18 years ago, at the age of 28-29. Whilst I want to go ahead with the session, I am frightened about what we'll uncover, specifically lost/hidden memories and repressed feelings. Has anyone been through a similar experience and can offer encouragement please?

The type of therapy I have been doing for the past five years, always involves re-living past trauma via the memory stored in the emotional body, and by consequence, requires feeling the emotions I repressed to release them from my body, and occasionally I remember something I'd forgotten, and once something that was so locked away, I had no memory of it, until my therapy session (even then it was hazy, but I got it thoroughly confirmed by my mother and sister soon afterwards).

I'd like to ease myself in with a warm up to my therapy session if that's ok.

At the age of 28, almost 29, I'd been in a very abusive relationship with my then boyfriend for five years or so. I had no idea I had mental health problems at this time, total denial and I had an attitude of silver linings and getting on with things to try to make my life better. Over a few months I gradually succumbed to a psychosis, believing an international (fairly obscure) musician was a past life lover. The psychosis gained momentum until I believed we were communicating and he wanted me to join his current life. I believed he'd come to find me, and then I travelled to the big city, thinking he'd find me there. I was meditating into my head a lot by this time, and the day after I arrived at my sister's home, I meditated into my head and was told by my delusion/musician, that he was dying, committing suicide. I was told to do the same, so that we could be together and love each other in the afterlife.

Further heavy trigger warning! As I've mentioned, I've had intense therapy for five years, and during this time, a lot of truth has been uncovered. Whilst this may be difficult for many to comprehend, I'd like to briefly share how my psychosis and suicide attempt, mirrored my childhood trauma. My mother is unfortunately a very sick individual. When I was born, she decided to hate me instead of love me, and enslave me instead of take care of me. From birth I was aware that she wanted me to be dead. So I decided if I was dead, that would please her and then she would love me. The entire psychosis reflects this. Being tempted in and desperate for love, being told I needed to figure out how to be a better person to deserve love, and then to die to receive it. 

Trigger warning again. The suicide attempt, I purchased and consumed a lot of painkillers. I don't remember how many, 60 or 80? I waited to die and it didn't happen. An hour or two later my sister came home and by then I was maybe beginning to doubt what was happening. I told her what I'd done and was taken to hospital. I only have two brief memories of being at the hospital until I woke the following day. Even then I had short term memory loss (didn't know who I was, what had happened or where I was). 

I've shared a lot of what happened with my therapist during sessions with him. But what confronts me now, is to face the possibility that I maybe nearly almost died. If this is true, I have not faced this truth before. And I am frightened about it. A short ish period after the event, my sister told me I nearly/almost died, but I dismissed this and didn't question her about it (too scary). And I have no idea what treatment I had overnight, during my memory loss. In fact I don't remember any treatment at all. Not did I ever ask staff what they had done for me.

Thank you for reading. As I said, if anyone here has been through a similar experience, attempted suicide and then gradually facing and uncovering the truth, I'd really appreciate hearing your story.

And if anyone at all has something they'd like to say or share, I'm all ears.

Many thanks