Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Times working in weird ways - losing little pieces and can't find things. Damn
TW - (just to be safe)
I saw a post thread - eat it or leave it. Didn't check it out so who knows what it was about.
Just made me think about food. I'm a little weird when it comes to food. I like food, I really do.I'm not a vegan or a vegetarian or a meat and potatoes person. I just don't have the time or patience for it. I guess I kind of view eating as a waste of time
. I like quick foods. Popcorn is good. Hot dogs. I kind of eat on the go, I guess. Alot of times I just don't think about it. Things to do. There are something I won't eat because of textures. Some foods I won't eat because they hold bad memories. How screwed up is that? Apparently some foods were used as punishment I guess. I don't have a problem with these foods as they are, I even grow some of them, but I will not eat them. What wasn't eaten the night before would greet you for breakfast. You sat until you finished, maybe that's why I eat on the go. Probably. I'm not big on sweets. No cake, cupcakes, candy bars.I do like Snickers, I just don't eat them. Although I do like chocolate chip cookies and beer.
So Idk maybe it's an eating disorder. Maybe I have no idea where I was going with this. That's a good possibility.
Focus and concentration was an issue plus these little blocks of missing time. Half hour here and there - it adds up. Pisses me off. Even this post - I swear - I had some thing posted about influence and a problem with the circular saw. Which gave me the idea I should put a warning label on this and its gone. Guess maybe someone doesn't want that out there. God this is so freaking frustrating. Lol! Maybe I'm using invisible ink. SO screwed up
I wonder what it's like to be, Idk, I want to say normal but there really isn't such a thing. I guess we all have our own normal. What's normal for one person isn't for someone else and so on. So I go to my fall back idea of content, but I don't think I even know what that is anymore. Consistency - maybe to just feel the same way for a day. Instead of things fluctuating all the time. I was told that if the inside world was comfortable "they' wouldn't want to come out all the time - eventually. I know everyone needs to heal - I know that, but their healing involves me too. I just kind of feel like I don't want to be the pilot of this f*cked up flight. We're all fighting for the same thing I just don't understand why we can't seem to get our sh*t together and fight as a team. Things can seem ok for a while but it's so hobbled together and it falls apart so quickly. A tattered house of cards, made of glass, built on sand. It's like it's just barely being held together by spit and bubble gum. There's been some funny, times things that get said. But there's more not so fun times.
I'm not sure where I was going with this - just b*tching. All though I tried to keep the swearing to a minimum or it get's edited. So much for speaking your mind. But I guess it's a good thing. Can't have people thinking I'm a degenerate. Doesn't matter that I am. Just can't have other's think that. Thank you Red Queen, now how 'bout you go back to your corner and wait for the bell to ring for the next round. At least nothing's changed with you. You can always be counted on to kick when I'm down.
@mytwistedsoul
Sending love your way x
@kindBranch5968 Thank you
Here's to hoping today will be better than yesterday. My head's kind of quiet - other than some quiet noises. Lesson learned yesterday. Don't rattle the bars on the cages of the monkeys unless you're prepared to deal with the consequences.
Not in a bad mood - not really in a good mood. Just here - Hopefully get some things done today. Doc Z again this morning - boy Is he in for an earful - I'm sure. I've been getting too frustrated, too quickly lately. Roaring like a pissed off lion. Thinking that it's my way or else. Stupid. Like trying to herd a group of squirrels - they're actually called a scurry . (thank you google) Of course the squirrels are high or drunk or something (acorn ale) So it's just a clusterfluff.
I need to accept that somethings are just out of my control. Unfortunately - I hate that. I should be able to at least be in control of my own life - wrong. Lol - listen to me whine. It's hard to control what isn't yours. Idk. I guess it could be worse. I'm just not sure how. I probably shouldn't have said that - lol - now karma will rear her beautiful head - knock me around abit and show me just what is what.
Lol to your merp! No apologies - lol it didn't realize how well it fit it with the squirrels.
Hhmm- thinking thinking thinking - trust. That's a really big thing isn't it? Like a really big thing. Some people have a harder time with it then others. I need to trust the one's who have kept me safe all these years, which is hard because - well - trust issues - lol! Sorry there's a song going in my head. Concentration just went - poof . So moving on.
I need to eat alittle more regularly - which isn't a big deal - just time consuming. Yeah I know that sounds stupid. It's not like I have a fixed schedule. But I do have a routine - big on routines. And lists. I have lists for lists with other lists I have. Maybe I should eat the lists. Fiber and all that.
Kade seems to think that Doc Z is nuts and we don't need his help. Then he apparently told him to do something that is physically impossible. There was a little discussion about ninja cats and pizza. Sorry folks. Big applause for Alec for reaching out here. Even if it was just one word. You have to understand he doesn't say anything. And Ari - who is really helping me understand the importance of watching what you say, because once it leaves your mouth it can't be taken back. Words can be forever. Logan - what can I say? Yes I do have good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with them so. Sorry that sounds harsh. I'm still feeling a lot of shame about my behavior yesterday. I'm trying to let it go.
LOL! Ok so now we're singing Frozen. Let it go - let it go!
Just read a post on someone with a "endogenic system" kind of - sort of - p*ssed me off.
Trying not to judge but d*mn - seriously? Not cool - not even chilly.
Sorry - just couldn't help myself.
@NoneTheWiser Was kind of thinking of popping into your thread to say hi to brit. Is that ok? Other than you and brit don't know any of the others. So Idk - maybe not lol!
