Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@mytwistedsoul
I just wanted to say, Im so incredibly proud of you for making it however many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years without self-harming. Without reaching for your tools. Without hurting yourself.
Youre so very important to many of us. To me. Theres so many of us who care about others, who care about you. ❤️ I love seeing you check-in with us, responding to your posts. What makes you think youll be forgotten? :(
The urges can get trickier and trickier to handle, especially when its in the front of your mind everyday, thinking about it everyday. It sounds like you really dont want to self-Harm, as youre trying to put it off as much as you can. So, what can you do instead? How else could you cope with your feelings of numbness, needing a release, punishment etc.?
@rebecca947 Thank you! How are you today?
I have a hard time understanding that people who don't know me can care, when the people who do know me don't. There are day's when I feel I am not worth space I take up. Not every day but most. ok.... no it is everyday
The urge is especially strong today, I'm agitated and angry because of it. trying not to be impulsive. I need to go out today, don't want to. Pantry's getting low and they're calling for snow, dog's would be bummed without cookies.
Thank you for being proud of me. And for taking time out of your day for me.
@mytwistedsoul
I understand. It can be confusing to feel like strangers care but people who know you dont. But there are just so many people out there in the world, not everyone will make you feel the way you feel with the people around you. You sound like an amazing person, and i hope one day you'll realise it for yourself and believe it. xx
It sounds like you really care for your dogs ❤ Why don't you want to go out?
@rebecca947 while I thank you, I can assure you there is nothing amazing about me.
They're good dogs. They help me at times, I guess they sense my moods and do things to try to distract me. Bring me their toys. They are the amazing ones.
People just make me nervous, I even get nervous coming on here at times. Idk I just usually keep to myself. Take care!
@mytwistedsoul
We can feel that way about ourselves sometimes. After all, we are our own worst critics. And yes, dogs are so loyal, caring and amazing! What are your dogs names and breeds? :)
*hugs* I hope you manage to figure out what about people make you nervous. In the meantime, hopefully, 7 Cups is a supportive and kind place for you! Take care of yourself xx
@rebecca947 Kodie is a shepard mix and Taz is just a mix. I think she has lab in her and maybe pit.
I know some of my nervousness comes from a rough childhood. I know I need to work on that. Yeah 7cups does have a lot of nice people and I've enjoyed talking with everyone and you. Thank you for taking time to talk with me, I appreciate it. I hope you have a good day. Take care.
@mytwistedsoul
Ooh, what shepherd breed? German shepherd? Australian shepherd? :o idk what other types there are lol and cute, lab and pit bull mix!!! 😍
Ahh, that
@rebecca947 Kodie's Belgian, she's a big beautiful girl. 6 foot long from the tip of her tail to her nose. Taz is the goof, she has this whole body tail wag that makes you laugh, the more you laugh the harder she does it. You would like them.
I've talked with someone on 7cups a little about some things. It's hard, to open up about it. I feel sometimes that, idk, I brought it on myself. I was a bad kid that needed a heavy hand. Stupid...
My demon's came out the other night... I tried to walk away, I tried to redirect, I tried things I never tried before but I failed. I'm angry with myself . I failed and she won...again. Damn
I have a snowstorm coing so I have to get ready for that.
I hope you have a good weekend. Thank you for talking with me.
Take care!
@mytwistedsoul
Omg Id love to see photos of Kodie and a video of Tazs whole body tail wag! Omg she sounds so freaking cuteee!!! 😍💕❤️
Nobody deserves hurt and abuse. Absolutely nobody. Yes, we need discipline, but no, abuse is not discipline. They are very different things. Ones worth criminal offences and jail time, the other, not. No matter how bad of a child someone is, that child does not deserve hurt and disrespect and pain. That child needs more love and care and affection and understanding. ❤️ Im glad you managed to talk to someone about it a bit- its great progress! Its never easy to open up and be vulnerable and face our darkest thoughts and fears, and to let someone in on them. Youre doing an amazing job, and remember you can always take your time. Take it at your own pace. If you feel youre going too fast, you probably are. Go slow, let them in whenever you feel ready to do so.
You tried to not let it get to you, and thats the best you can do. You tried your best under the circumstances you were in, and thats enough. We can always try, try again. We dont have to give up after we failed. Maybe next time well make progress? You already made progress by trying new things! ❤️
Take care of yourself, especially in the snowstorm! I hope you and everyone stays safe. xx
@rebecca947 Thank you for listening and understanding. It's not a box I like to open and look in. There are times when, I guess it's a flashback, a memory, comes out of no where. It will catch me off guard and I know I should talk about it just to get it out but, idk, it just doesn't seem right to pass that on to someone else. Thank you again
Have a good weekend! Take care
@mytwistedsoul
have you put any thought into seeing a therapist or someone specialised in trauma? Their job is to listen and care and help you talk through the past. They do care about your wellbeing and have more tools to help and teach you. ❤️ Its just one of many options!
@rebecca947 Hey How are you?
I did before but idk we didn't click. Because of the self harm he said I was wasting his time. an appointment was canceled, he didn't follow up and neither did I. I was actually looking online for one in my neck of the woods and just stumbled into here. I was given a card a few days ago from the urgent care place but I don't know. I do think about it, I know I need to do something because this way of life is no life. Thank you for talking with me. Take care!
@mytwistedsoul
hey! Im good thanks :) Im so sorry to hear that! He doesnt sound professional in the slightest, and seems like a bad health professional. Trust when I say this- not everyone is like him. From personal experience, Ive had good and not-so-amazing ones. Everyones different, and its ok to switch between therapists until you find one you click well with. As Ive heard some health professionals say- sometimes its the therapeutic connection thats the most important. More important than the technical skills. Because if you dont click with someone, the skills they teach you might not be as effective. But as always, thats just some peoples opinions- take it as you wish!
Its good to hear youve got an option to see someone with your urgent care card (Im assuming that lets you see someone? Im not sure what it really is- could you please explain? Thank you!) and its even more awesome that you tried to find someone! And stumbled upon here :) if youre interested in online therapy, I know many people have said bettterhelp is a good app. Theres another one, but Ive forgotten it temporarily. Ill let you know if I remember it. ❤️
@rebecca947 I think that's what scares me. It takes a while to warm up enough to someone to be able to talk to them. Plus the fact that people make me nervous, trust isn't easy. I'm trying to work on that.
Urgent care is kind of like a hospital/ doctors office. It's cheaper then the hospital and quicker then the doctors office. You can go if you're sick or need stitches. The card was a referral was to talk with someone because they knew it wasn't an accident. Sorry to say I wasn't entirely honest with them. The other marks kind of give it away. I mean it was an accident, i didn't intend for it to. um.. yeah. Sorry , I try to watch what I say, so I apologize if I upset or offend you.
It was nice talking to you, thank you. Have a good weekend. Take care!
@mytwistedsoul
Heya, Soul! Im so sorry for the extra late response- Ive not been around for long on this site the past week.
I really agree with that- trust isnt easy to gain and so easy to be broken. Trust incolves is feeing and being vulnerable, and involves the other person being nonjudgmental and caring. It can be hard to determine who we feel we can trust to bare our true, inner selves.
Ahh, that makes sense! Thanks for clarifying- urgent care sounds really good to have :o glad you got a referral. Im confused though when you say the other marks kind of give it away. I mean it was an accident. Could you please explain it a bit more? And nope, no need to apologise! I have no idea what could have potentially upset me haha dont worry about it- Im not offended or upset or anything! xx
@rebecca947 Hey How are you? No need to apologize, I understand that people do have outside lives. Work, family and everyone needs to have me time.
The other marks... I have self harmed for quite a while. In many ways. So I have alot of scars in all shapes and sizes. It's not something I'm proud of, there are times when I can get a bit carried away. I told them I wasn't paying attention and a chisel slipped. Which would have just left a gouge not a 5 inch gash. It was stupid and impulsive. The accident was that I took it too far. Again not something I'm proud of. I hate that I lied to them because I don't like liars myself but I was afraid to tell them the truth. Not that that's a good excuse, and they knew anyway. Like I said it was stupid and impulsive. I don't want to do it again.
Have a good day, take care!
@mytwistedsoul
Ahh, that makes sense- thanks for clarifying! It takes a lot to be open and vulnerable, and trust doesn
@rebecca947 Hey It's good to hear you're well.
I'd like to think it would be easier to talk to them because they all ready know what we'd be up against. I'm very self conscious, I've never be able to explain what I feel and why I do the things I do. Anytime I tried, I was pretty much told that what I was feeling wasn't right. I have a bad habit of telling people what I think they want to hear. Which is unfair to everyone involved, it was just safer. Some of it is that I'm used to being told how I feel by others. I second guess every emotion and thought I have. I always thought that there was something wrong with me because of the sh. That I was the only one doing it. I know now that I'm not alone. I never realized there was so many of us. It saddens me that there are so many that have to resort to this form of expression for what ever reason we have. Instead of being able to talk to someone about what we feel and have them say that it's ok to feel that way, we keep it inside and take it out on ourselves.
Sorry I was rambling. It was nice talking with you, thank you. Take care.
@mytwistedsoul
Thats good to hear then! Its a good start, being able to speak to them if you want and are ready to, and have them already know part of whats going on. I just want to reiterate that whatever youre feeling, however youre feeling, theyre all valid. Theyre allowed. Theyre YOUR feelings, and you have a right to feel them. We all experience the same situation differently, but does that mean only one of us are right? Does that mean everyone elses experience of that situation is wrong? No, it just means that were human and differences are inevitable. We can learn from others, gain new perspectives.
Its understandable that you feel its safer to tell people what they want to hear, instead of risk being vulnerable and being told that youre wrong. Nobody likes to feel like theyre not being acknowledged, especially in such a vulnerable and open mindset. Im sorry that youve gone through so many bad experiences with people :( ❤️ Theres just so many negative people out there, but just as many- if not even more- good, nice, empathetic and understanding people out there, too. We just have to try finding them. Shop around, look around, be around new people. Harder done and easier said, but still possible. I wonder how youre feeling now about possibly visiting urgent care with the referral? Have they changed, have they remained the same, your thoughts?
And hey, rambling is fine! Its great to pour our thoughts down somewhere and to let others read if thats what you want. Im perfectly happy and content with reading what you wrote, no matter how long or short. ❤️ Take care of yourself xx
@rebecca947 Hey How are you?
My thoughts, are driving me nuts. Which is ironic because they're about calling a therapist, because some days I feel like i'm going nuts. It's all I think about. Which brings on the anxiety and fear, before I know it my heart is pounding, can't catch my breath and every muscle is so freaking tense I feel like I'm about to snap. I get angry and frustrated with myself because it just seems so stupid, Idk, it just shouldn't be this complicated. It's NOT that complicated, I'm making it that way. It's like there's 2 people arguing in my head. I feel like telling them both to just shut up and give me a moment. Just a moment with no comments or questions from the audience. Guess that sounds weird.
Thank you for your earlier post, I must have read it 5 times. It's nice to see the words that I can feel whatever and it's ok. That sounds weird too I guess. I'm sorry if I'm driving you nuts too. I do appreciate you time and patience. it means alot to me.. Thank you!
Have a good day, take care
@rebecca947 So I did it. Figured if I'm going to drive myself nuts about what if's and could be's, I may as well just do it. So I made an appointment. You are officially the first person I told. NOW I have something to be nervous about.
Hey Soul! I see you
@rebecca947 Hey How are you?
Thanks! Sorry it was a bit longer than I planned. I needed to get somethings under control. My head mainly lol! I'm actually seeing someone else all ready. The first guy was nice, but there was an incident and he said he needed to hand me over to someone else. I wasn't real comfortable with that but I'm managing. This one seems nice too but I'm supposed to do a group therapy thing on Saturday's but tbh I've only gone once. Too many people. In my defense though we did have bad weather too. It's a pretty good drive from here to there.
Take care yeah? It was nice talking to you again.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, that
@rebecca947 Hey How are you?
I try to make sure I'm where I need to be in my head when I talk to people on here. If I'm not I stay away. I had an appointment today. It's going ok, I still get nervous like crazy. There are things that I've been noticing a little more. I'm losing time, minutes, hours, sometimes days.I started trying to keep track of things with notes and post it's but sometimes I forget those or stick it some place stupid. Found one in freezer that said we got this. Um.. got what? I found a candle yesterday lit and I do not remember lighting it. Scared me alittle. When I try to think about things. I feel like I swallowed fish or somthing wiggly and now it's trying to tear open my chest trying to get out. Sick but a painful sick. If I stop it goes away. I'm not even sure if I'm sleeping any more. I mean I must be at some time. I just can't say for sure. There are days I can't sit still and other days when I don't want to move. Times when I know I'm not where I need to be, in my head. I spend alot of time writing things down, thoughts,feelings, pep talks. Doodles. I have a hardtime with grounding. I have a list with over 100 different ways to ground myself and what works one time doesn't the next. I know, I know, keep trying! Lol!
I'm sorry I wrote you a book. I didn't mean for it to get so long. I gave my word I'd go to group tomorrow. So, as I said to someone earlier keep an open mind. So I'm keeping an open mind.
I hope you have a good weekend, take care.
@rebecca947
I hope I set the up right https://imgur.com/a/fpxWNNG Just a start, yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
ooh, love seeing work in progress! And KODIE AND TAZ!!! ❤️ Lmao PITA, how creative! Sorry for not replying I
@rebecca947 lol thanks.. he needed a name, that's what I came up with. I'll try to add more as I go along.
it's going.. everyone seems nice. I got some number's from a few people in case, well just in case.
It's cool, I know you're busy.
Thanks take care
@mytwistedsoul
Heya, Soul! How have you been and is group still going on? ❤️ And how are your cute dogs?!
@rebecca947 Hey how are you?
Kind of up and down.Good days and bad days, but it's going. Yeah I still do group and individual once a week. Dogs are good.
Nice to see you again. Take care
Hi Soul, wood-worker, this is Tree, extending a branch of good will your way. I love the beautiful things you make with your hands - makes me feel like I will live forever in the house of someone who cares for me.
@determinedTree113 Hey tree. How are you?
Thank you for the branch. I try to bring out your best features. The warmth and beauty of the grain. Tree's offer some beautiful material to work with. Keeps my hands busy, some days they want to destroy more then create. Thank you again!
Take care!
@mytwistedsoul you may think that there isnt anything amazing about you but you can make something amazing about your self. Have you thought of learning an instrument of any kind pianos are good to learn there are multiple sources you can learn from videos or just apps.
my input may not matter much but just stay safe.
@sincereSummer5948 Hey How are you?
I think I have a lag or something with posts. I apologize that I haven't gotten back to you sooner. I didn't see you here until today.
I actually can play all ready. Piano, guitar and saxophone. Saxophone more then the others, mainly because the sax was the only one I wanted to learn myself. The other's were what Red Queen's wanted. So I don't mess with them anymore.
I hope you're well, take care, be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Shiva, the Destroyer, is also Lord of the Dance and controls the movement of the universe. (I am not Hindu, however aspects of that faith fascinate me.) As an artist who as a child used to stick pins into my fingertips, I encourage you to embrace your destructive side and channel it into something creative. Creators are destroyers. You know this already.
As a Tree, I feel your pain. Wind and I will sing you a sad song to inspire you.
:)
@determinedTree113 Hey Tree, How are you?
I try to create more then I destroy but some days my hands have a mind of their own. I don't have a lot to say for religion. I think it's an interesting concept, I like the Norse lore of it. Valhalla and all that. Odin and his wolves Geri and Freki. Beyond that, I don't know. And the Hindi do have some rather interesting gods and deities.
You're an artist? Cool! May I ask what you do?
You and wind have really been singing the past few days. Thank you for the inspiration.
Take care, be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
I have experimented with a lot of different forms of creative expression. When I get a mental block in one thing, I switch to another thing, then switch back. (I have not tried woodworking, but that is an art form I truly appreciate!)
Have you tried clay? You can get a lot more safely brutal with it than wood. You get a 10-lb. lump and first knead it like bread and throw it violently down to knock the air holes out a few times, then you fashion it into a form with your hands and cut into it with clay tools. That might be a good way to release your inner Shiva. And in that way, you become friends with Earth, who is my support and nourishment.
@determinedTree113
I never gave clay a thought, that is something I will have to look into. I like of like the idea of being able to throw it around. Thank you!
I have a deep appreciation of Mother Earth. She provides for everyone and everything and seems to have quite a sense of humor at times. She is truely amazing.
Hope you're well, take care. Thanks again!
@mytwistedsoul
@KittyCat15 Hey How are you?
Just needed to vent a little. All ready wrote it out, still don't feel much better. This whole anxiety thing is utter BS! I am so tired of feeling like this. I spend half my time trying these grounding things, I feel a little bit better and then it comes back twice as bad. Just complete BS! Sorry just wanted to share that. Just so freaking frustrating!
@mytwistedsoul
I know how you feel. A friend came and took all my knives. but i can always find a way to hurt myself. no one can do it for me, i have to learn to control it.
i hope you're okay
@CourtneysJeep Hey How are you?
I'm glad you have such a good friend trying to keep you from harming. Yeah there are always ways. I'm trying really hard not to. A month tomorrow. I'm back to rubber bands and red markers and pens. It's hard to resist. It's an addiction all to it's self.
Do whatever you can to keep from harming yourself. Draw, even if it's just big ugly words that describe what you feel, write poems, they can be as mean or dark as you want. I'm finding that some things work, other's don't. Sometimes it's something weird. Like coating your hands with Elmer's glue, let it dry and peel it off. Keeps you distracted. Stay strong, be gentle to yourself. Take care
@mytwistedsoul Hi:)
Hope you're having a good day today.
a month! that month must have felt like years. you're incredible! stay strong ❤️❤️
Hugs. This is the song my husband dedicated to me when I feel like you do. It has helped me tremendously bc here you are not alone. And you are not a fleeting thought.
https://youtu.be/-rKwPblSdQA
@LPyMP
Your husband must be amazing. That song...wow.. so sad but so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Thank you, take care and be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
He kinda is lol. He's helped me tremendously. When we found each other I was in a very very dark place full of self loathing. I didn't see why and sometimes I still don't see why he is with me.
I want to dedicate that song to you bc you are not alone. We may not be physically there with you but we will help you find strength every step of the way. 11 days without hurting yourself is a milestone and it an easy one, I know. You are worthy of so many beautiful happy things and we will help you get there.
@LPyMP
He sounds like it. To see your light through all the darkness. Gives me hope. Um...thank you for the song dedication,at the risk of sounding truely pathetic, that's a first for me. Thank you
I'm actually up to 32 days now. Which feels pretty good but I'm a little nervous about it because lately I have had self destructive side that likes to rear it's head when I get angry and I get stupid and impulsive and do things I shouldn't.
I'm still working on the self worth thing, but I am learning to ask for help...slowly and I appreciate the help that comes my way. So thank you!
@mytwistedsoul
that's fantastic I'm so happy for you I know it's not gonna be easy believe me I've been where you have been but you'll get there I know you will you're not alone and we're all here to help you
@LPyMP
It means alot to me to know that I'm not as alone as I feel. It catches me off guard at times (like now) that there are people some where out there that care what I do to myself. I'm not used to that. Just..wow, thank you. Now I need to blow my nose, lol!
I feel...done. Just done. I know I shouldn't say that, that's just how I feel. Honesty, right? I'm tired. I can't seem to shut off this war in my head. Too many pieces and parts to fit together, too many that don't fit at all.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey! Its okay to feel that way but just remember that you are not alone, we are all here for you, we understand what youre going through, so dont hesitate on talking if you need to... youve come so far, dont let one thought ruin it all, youre strong. YOU can do it!
@mytwistedsoul I am proud of you. You are doing better that I am :)
@Ylisse Hey how are you?
How are things with home?
@mytwistedsoul well, now they
@Ylisse I'm glad things have gotten better, even if it is just a little. I hope things keep getting better. Stay safe, be gentle with yourself.
Sorry for earlier. Sometimes things feel like it's just too much, ya know? I stepped up and asked for help. I went to group and worked out a safety net with a few people. For when things get too hard to handle. Thank you
This weekend has been so impossibly hard. My head is so F*cking screwed up. We had a visit from the Red Queen, that threw everything to hell. Nothing has been right since. Still can't sleep and just compared my life to a broken lightbulb. I'm just broke, no repairs, no patches, no updates. I don't think anything can fix this. Been losing a daily self harm battle. I'm either anxious and emotional or depressed and emotional. Or hell I don't know. Just angry..some thing/ some one is so angry. These freaking headaches that go with everything really suck. Checked out an online prayer group, yeah well, desperate times call for desperate measure. In trying to explain some of the things that go on in my head... I had someone suggest that maybe I was possessed. So that really made me feel better. Lol! Yeah I'm possessed by the ghosts of christmas past. No I just have a devil whispering in my ear. He really needs to shut up, all the rats go down with the ship
. Eh..just bitching.