Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
I have to say - I feel like a train wreck. Idk - just emotions are all over the freaking place. I really do feel like I'm losing my grip some days. This crazy.
@mytwistedsoul
They think im crazy but they dont know the feeling
@ThePizza They're all around me - circling like vultures
@mytwistedsoul
They wanna break me and wash away my colors
@ThePizza I think that was always my favorite line.
Take me high and I'll sing.
@mytwistedsoul
you make everything
okay okay okay
@ThePizza We are one in the same
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you? Was just wondering. We've all been kind of quiet lately.
Be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey J
Ive been at a swim meet since Friday, so Ive been pretty tired from racing, waking up at five, and mentally being on edge. The anxiety I have before my races is getting worse, I think. This hasnt been a great meet so Ill be glad to be finished today. After that its off to the first camp but Ill still be here, hopefully more often again.
Im doing okay
How are you?
@ThePizza Wow - I don't blame you for being tired. Being on edge and anxiety can really take a toll on you. It's just exhausting and draining. I'm sorry it hasn't been the best meet. BUT I'm sure you're doing your best though and no one can ask for anything more. I think you're awesome regardless!
I'm glad you're doing ok though. I think I'm doing ok. Could be better but it could be worse. You know how it is.
Hey good luck! * cheering you on from the mountain!*
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @ClassicalMe
Have a good night everyone
@ThePizza Good night M. Sleep good!
Be gentle with yourself, you've had a busy weekend.
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you J. I wasn
@ThePizza You're welcome. I'm glad you're feeling in a better place. We're here for you if you need to vent.
I know I've been kind of quiet. My brain doesn't want to stay engaged. So it takes a bit to get things together. Idk - things to say but no voice to say it.Idk
I have questions - lots of questions but no one I can really ask because the people I need to ask are gone. When you have time you don't think about it. Young and dumb I guess. Maybe I just never really gave anything thought. Although I think alot of times my questions may have been put off. Now's not the time J. We'll just give it a little more time. I'm kind of not sure who they were protecting. Her? Me? Themselves? Maybe a combination of all of us. Maybe they just didn't want to be the ones. Maybe they thought they'd have more time. Kind of what everyone thinks isn't it? That they'll have time. I guess it really doesn't matter why. What's done is done. It is what it is. I can't change the past anymore than I can predict the future. Doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. It doesn't mean I don't wonder what I'd be like if things had been different. Probably an a$$hole. Just saying. Would I have still wound up here - not here here- just here where I am. On a mountain playing with trees. Not that it's a bad thing. Just makes me wonder. I guess there's pro's and con's. Because if it wouldn't be for me being the way I am - I probably wouldn't have come here and met the people I did. Idk
Thinking. Not rushed thinking or panicked thinking. Just thoughtful thinking. A little frustrated just because words don't look right. So it's taking forever because I'm checking spelling. Not that it matters. Not really. Would make it harder on everyone though if they're all spelled backwards.
The Red Queen has been quiet for about a day. Which I have to admit makes me nervous. Because I know she's there. I can feel her. Just lurking. Isn't that a cool word? Lurking. She still likes to steal my thoughts though. I really don't think she likes when I talk about her. It makes her feel exposed. Then she takes it out on everyone. Which isn't fair. But I've kind of learned that fairs are for tourists - Unfortunately I'm a local.
Noah Kahan - Tidal
You knew me and my sparrow
Happiness tidal, it comes and it goes
And I sank into the water
How I drifted farther away from the coast
Sometimes, I get this feeling
I was breathing someone else's air
Two thousand miles away from home
Under that sky, I tried to make my peace with fear
So I guess I'll build a boat and live alone
Lord, I'll be the last one (Oh, oh)
Oh, I'll teach myself to swim and live in my head
And make sense of all my thoughts
And if I never reach the land or live again
Lord, I'll be just fine (Oh, oh)
Yeah, I'll drift until I'm dead, and until then
I'll be the last one, I'll be the last one
I fell into a pattern
Where nothing would matter if I didn't care
To be so close to a coastline
To know that in my life, I'll never be there
Sometimes, I get this feeling
I've been breathing someone else's air
So I guess I'll build a boat and live alone
Lord, I'll be the last one (Oh, oh)
Oh, I'll teach myself to swim and live in my head
And make sense of all my thoughts
And if I never reach the land or live again
Lord, I'll be just fine (Oh, oh)
Yeah, I'll drift until I'm dead, and until then
I'll be the last one, I'll be the last one
And it wears me out
All the demons underneath the tide
But I sink like stone
But all the weight of all these dreams of mine
And I wish you well
You can't save someone too far to find
But it's wearing me out
And it's stormy in the sea tonight, in the sea tonight
So I guess I'll build a boat and live alone
Lord, I'll be the last one (Oh, oh)
Oh, I'll teach myself to swim and live in my head
And make sense of all my thoughts
And if I never reach the land or live again
Lord, I'll be just fine (Oh, oh)
Yeah, I'll drift until I'm dead, and until then
I'll be the last one, I'll be the last one
@ClassicalMe You've been popping up in my thoughts. So I thought maybe I'd share them with you.
I know you're having a hard time right now. I understand that. It's ok, ya know? God know's I do too. We all do. So - Idk - just a gentle reminder that you're not alone. I understand wanting to withdraw. Sometimes it's just better to be alone. I have to be honest - I've been fighting with that myself the past few days. I guess - I just want you to know you don't have to. I mean - I'm sure you know you don't have to. Lol! Let me get this all screwed up and trip over my words.
I - eye eye eye - I am a frito bonito. Lol! sorry popped into my head - I went with it.
I think maybe I'll shut up now. I just wanted you to know - I've been thinking about you.
Be gentle with yourself, Classic and your thoughts. Take care - yeah?
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you today?
All ready for camp? I hope you have fun! There better be s'mores! Lol!
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts too. Take care
@mytwistedsoul
No smores here, Im afraid. Just dryland and swim practices— swim camp, lol. Its neat because were at a college and we get to use the dorms. We have a lot of freedom, its really neat. Im rooming with A.
Have a nice afternoon everyone
@ThePizza
That sounds like a lot of fun. Although no s'mores? Idk - there would have to be some negotiations, maybe. Nah just kidding. And freedom - woo hoo! Just don't get caught - lol! Cue the mission impossible theme.
Have fun M - be safe.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
With my lightning-fast reflexes, I grabbed a can of spray paint and made wonderful graffiti! Lol! Actually, there
@ThePizza Beautiful! Do they provide spray paint? Because you should tag that. Lol! That sounds really cool. I didn't figure you for a law breaking Pizza. On the straight and narrow. As you should be. Stay out of trouble - it's nothing but trouble. I hope you're having fun!
Stay safe- stay awesome - stay cool Pizza!
Take care - be gentle.
@mytwistedsoul
For lack of interesting things to say— Yee Yee
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
Having great fun. Did much better than expected at the second practice, thank goodness. Spray paint was provided; Im glad I had the chance to practice my ninja skills. Lol! Staying safe— will do. Having a good practice certainly helped silence Fog.
Nighto everyone. You too, @ClassicalMe
<3
@ThePizza I'm so glad to hear this. Yay silence to Fog! Good night Pizza.
It's been pretty quiet around this thread this morning, so I just wanted to check in everyone and make sure you were all okay....
@ThePizza , I've loved listening to your camp stories, and I'm glad you're having a good time! Though J was right, you're going to have to smuggle in some smores somehow... I vote super secret night ninja smore smuggling! (Got a tongue twister going there hahaha). The dorm thing sounded cool as heck! Well, I hope you have a fantabulous day!
@NoneTheWiser , thanks for hanging around here and there, I've seen you pop up on my notifs a couple times now and it makes me smile. Also, I don't know why I just now noticed, but I really like your profile picture hahaha I don't know why, but I really do! I hope you're doing well and everything is copacetic on your side of the screen.
@MyTwistedSoul , Thanks for all the thoughts <3 I keep them all in heart. I'm always around, even if you don't see me :) Your frinto bonito thing made me laugh literally all day yesterday. You're good at that, making people laugh, making them feel appreciated and cared for. Just make sure you keep yourself feeling cared for too, okay? (Just so you know, I phrased that as a question, but I was really telling you what to do;) lol) How are you doing today? Have you been working on anything recently? Be safe, be good, and make sure you say hi to flipper!
I just wanted to add before I crawl back into my invisibility blanket and sneak around stealing life savers and hanging out, (That would be cool to have a blanket like that, and get really close to someone and pull it off and scare the living hell out of them...) that you all are the best group of friends that someone could have. I mean that. All of you here are so special and just flat out freaking awesome! Anyways.... Have a great day everyone and sending good vibes and french fries to everyone who needs them!
Peace. (Swiftly and dramatically covers in my invisibility cloak)
@ClassicalMe
SSNNSS— sounds like a plan. Itd be easier to do with an invisibility cloak, but its good training to do it without. And if I do get caught, Ill just explain Im engaging in sssnnnnuuzzz and use the confusion for a quick getaway.
@ClassicalMe Hey How are you? It was really great to see you here yesterday.
How cool would it be to have invisibilty blankets? I mean seriously - do you realize how much fun we could have?
Sneaky you are - posing an order under the disguise of a question. It's hard sometimes - ya know? So I'll just say that I'm doing my best. Thank you.
I'm - ok. A little better today than yesterday. I've actually been working on some turtle carvings and a desk. And a tower. Lol I have a bad habit of starting 5 different things at once. Too many idea's at times. There's still a few more rattling around in my head telling me to at least start them. Idk - guess they worry if I don't, I'll forget about them or something.
That doggone dolphin still makes me laugh. I've been thinking about that. Actually the thought was of a whale but maybe I'll have to carve a dolphin instead.
Gotta love good vibes and french fries! Thank you Classic - we all think you're pretty special and awesome too.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. There's always a spot here for you. Take care
