Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

This is the second time I've tried to write this. I wrote last night and went to post it and poof lost in cyber space. The site was apparently having a melt down. GGRR

I'm really conflicted with what's in my heart and what's in my head. The whole listening but not hearing. Not giving what is needed - what is deserved. Everyone needs their time - I know. It's only fair. But Damn I've gotta tell you it really freaking sucks. There's times when I really don't want to be me. But I don't know how to be anyone else. So you stick with what you know. We'll just b*tch and complain about it the whole time. This sharing - god it makes me feel childish - selfish. What's mine is mine.

Like Jacob Lee's song -

If you knock once or twice
I'll invite you to share my design
I'll let you visit my thoughts
If you stay in your spot
And you never try crossing that line

If I lend you my hand
Would you lend me some time with your mind
I'll write down all that you want
‘Cause I learn quite a lot
When I live through these lives that aren't mine…

Stay in your spot. Don't cross lines. If I respect you - then you respect me. But Idk - There has to be trust with that respect. Because without it - isn't it more like fear isn't it?

Idk - got seriously side tracked and lost my train.

So I'm a little anxious - little emotional. Alot tired.. So 35 days no harm. Kind of proud of that. Kind of afraid of my hands too- Caught myself thinking about it. That ache - that wanting. It just never stops. The nudge. F*ck she needs to give it a rest. I need to go to bed - keep myself out of trouble. So much more I'd like to say - can't find the words. Maybe I'll find them later.

RQ - J - Wake Up! Are you going to sleep all f*cking day?

Maybe - the sun's not even up yet.

RQ - Doesn't matter - there's things to do.

It can wait.

RQ - No it can't - God you're such a lazy piece of sh*t. All you want to do is lay around and sleep. You never get anything done. This is why you'll never amount to anything.

Maybe I would if you'd shut up and leave me alone. Must you always be such a b*tch?

RQ - Aw what J - don't you love me? I'm just trying to help you do what's best. I'm your motivation.

I don't need your motivation. Not this way. Doc Z said this doesn't help anything. We all need to work together.

RQ - But we don't need Doc Z. Don't you see that? He's not helping anything - he's only making things worse. If you keep listening to him -

K - Growl - ENOUGH! WILL YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU OLD B*TCH!

RQ - Oh great who let the dogs out?

L - Do we have to do this every morning?

She started it.

RQ - (laughs) Oh of course - it's always my fault. If you'd just accept that this is how it is. If you'd just accept that I'm right. You always were such a difficult child. Always wanting something. I knew the moment I found out about you. You would be nothing but trouble. An inconvenience. You have caused me nothing but trouble. This is why your father left - it's always been your fault. Everything is -

(groan) I don't need this - You need to just -

K - QUIET! WILL BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!

L - Hey K - Just relax - this just adds to -

K - Shut up Logan. You don't get to make all the -

L - You don't get to tell me to -

(everyone talking all at once)

AH yes - good morning to me. Sorry - it's a beautiful day in my freakinh neighborhood.

I don't feel like a very nice person at the moment. There's some serious anger issues going on at the moment. The more I think about it - I think I'm more angry with myself then anything else. Because I can't be more than I am. Seems no matter what you do sometimes it's just not the right thing. It's not enough. Someone always ends up on the losing end. I'd rather it be me - rather then anyone I interact with. I try to do good things. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. While I don't have expectations for myself - other people have expectations. Idk - maybe they don't mean to - but they're still there. You can't live up to those expectations without pushing yourself.

For what it's worth - for those I have failed - I'm sorry. I can try not to let it happen again. But I can't say that it won't. Pretty sure this is going to be a four letter word day. One of those days where everything you touch turns to sh*t. You're poisonous - venomous. Where you make yourself feel sick. I AM the toxic one today. F*ck! Sorry - but not.

My count still stands - day 37. No harm. Temptation was there. I do know that. Tbh - I don't remember much about yesterday. I totally shut it down.

Anxiety is pretty high. Woke up in a panic. One of those where you're asleep and you sit straight up. Heart pounding - can't catch your breath. Holy sh*t monsters almost got me moment. A wonderful way to start the day.

I have a headache - of course. I'm kind of afraid to talk to people. Almost feel like I did when I first started coming here. A little emotional. Stupid heart still wants to try and help - head asks - what are you crazy? Why yes - yes some days I think I am.

Thinking - thinking. Guess I need to make up for not thinking much yesterday. Sounds weird but if I try to think too hard on something it starts to go fuzzy. Or Idk - like someone is erasing the words. maybe it's a sort of preservation. Like it's ok to think J - but if you push too hard on it - it disappears. Idk - I'm not sure how to explain it. Ah - ok mental picture - fog - fog starts to roll in but if I ease the thoughts it pulls back out. Ok - so - yeah - weird.

So I have Noah Kahan stuck in my head - Tidal. And it wears me out - all these demons underneath the tide.

I do hope everyone is doing ok. Lol - in typical J style. So many questions. About swimming and camps. Thoughts of drowning fish and weird flavored vapes. Towels folded like animals and flowers. Mixed signals. Unicorns - rainbows - pop tarts and being invisible. Thinking I need to start practicing MY ninja skills - lol.

It's all good though - yeah?

Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts.

@ClassicalMe Hey you. How are you? Just wanted to say you've been on my mind. I know things have been tough the past few weeks. And you and Pizza are working on those super sweet ninja skills. I still think you're awesome C. We're all still holding a light for you. Saving you a seat. Keeping the fire going. OMG - I just realized - I'm like a hen with peeps lol! Hope you don't think I'm fussing - lol! Eh - who am I kidding. I am - lol! Bet if I look hard enough I can find an apron and some support hose or something - what ever they call it. Get me a grey wig and I can be Granny J. Lmao!

Seriously - I can't tell you what to do or not to do. We're here to support you though - no matter what. I hope and wish so many good things for you. Stay cool C

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care - Yeah?

@ThePizza Hey M - How are you? I'm just making the rounds. I totally forgot about your beach trip until Wise said something. I hope you're having a great time. Catch some waves for me. Idk - do ninja's surf? Lol!

Wow - just realized - the beach - brought to mind Posiden. Just finished the second Perry Johnston book (LOL!) It was really good! They really keep your interest.

We're keeping your spot warm. Sending you good thoughts.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care

@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul @ClassicalMe

So. Not sure where this is coming from but I feel Im ready to share my name. <3 Still trying to figure things out, Im in a weird place right now but this feels right.

My name is Mere— well, fully Meredith, but Ive been going by Mere recently.

So uh, I just realized Im the first to have an announcement about it 😂😂 It just came out naturally for you two. Ah well.

Where would I be without a little post and panic? Bring on the chocolate sauce!

Freaking headaches. I'm so tired of freaking headaches. Makes it hard to think

I'm feeling a little sad. Idk - maybe I'm grieving. The loss of me. The loss of me I could've been. But then I probably wouldn't be who I am today. Would I still dislike myself? Would it maybe just be for different reasons? Guess I'll never know.

Empathy has been on my mind alot the last few days. How some people have and others don't. It amazes me who some people just couldn't seem to care less about your feelings - your problems and pain. In some cases it doesn't seem to matter if they've suffered too. Most people can't seem to see anything past themselves. It hurts when people tell us to let go and move on. Something can't just be let go of and forgotten. I think it feels worse when it's friends or family that tells us this. You would think they would be more understanding because they supposedly care for us.

It's insulting to be told these things. Don't people realize that if we could do that - we would? Do they honestly think we would continue to feel like shit if we could just let it go. I would in a heartbeat. Because I don't want to feel the way I do. I know I hide it alot. I deny things and lie to myself. Say it wasn't so bad but the more I'm learning. It wasn't so bad - it was f*cking horrible.

Some people should never have kids. Sometimes I think we should have gauges or something on our foreheads that register what our temperments are. Soul sensors. They would show what's behind the masks. What's behind the smiles. Just a read out of what's really going on inside. I wonder what mine would say. Probably ERROR - lol! Incomplete data. System failure. Reject. Idk - it could say a number of different things.

Thoughts are kind of fading out. I know I'm tired. All the way around. But I've got things to do. There's always things to do here.

40 days. My record since I've been here is 42 and then I f*ck it up. Got my fingers crossed.

Today is - Idk - I'm having some serious anxiety issues. It was bad this morning but then I did the art therapy thing and now I'm on vibrate. Maybe too many people. A little overwhelmed? Idk .

I catch myself pacing - back and forth. Stop for a little and I catch myself rocking. Trying to soothe - trying to calm down. I hate when my hands get this shaky. It's hard to get anything done. I hate when I feel like this. Hoping a little time out in the shop will help a little. Even if it's just a degree or two. I need to calm the f*ck down. Get a grip J - Maybe take a walk. Listen to some tunes. Still can't go for a run.

The Queen's trying to nudge. Always with the nudges. The whispering . Idk - thoughts are zipping away. Poof! Gonna go find something constructive to do.