Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

*silently join the three of you*

Thank you everyone - You all just sort of help re-word some of the bad evidence I had in my head alittle.

*throws a log on the fire and hands out marshmellows*

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

Hey I

I'm apparently going to be all emotional today. Anxiety kicked in yesterday and I'm on high alert. I don't like not knowing where the enemy is. I'm not sure how to explain it - but the recent attacks he waged has left me feeling very confused about myself. I feel weak admitting that because I'm sure it does nothing but feed his greedy ego. But for all his talk of being artificial - he is actually the one who is artificial. I try to do my best with the replies I give to people. I never said they were perfect - but I never thought they were canned either. I have shared more in here with everyone then even my family knows.

This person - Idk - are they really so clueless to the fact that sometimes words hold more power then anything physical? Those wounds - a broken arm - a busted lip - they heal - there might be memories of the pain. But words - they can leave invisible marks on our hearts - our souls. They can cause us to question our existence - words are often remembered long after anything physical has healed. Are you really so blind that you can't see the damage you cause? Are you really so shallow - so uncaring to others? My heart goes out to you - the fact that your soul is so damaged and warped that you feel you have to inflict pain on others in order to feel good about yourself. The fact that in spite of all the damage you caused - I can still feel empathy for you - I wish I could shut it off. I want to be able to say I hate you. I deserve to be able to say that - yeah? I don't know what has happened in this persons past that has caused them to be like this. I hardly know what's happened in my own past. But I suppose - Idk - is it ok for me to take comfort in the fact that at least I'm not like you? Is it ok for me to say that despite the pain and trauma of an abusive childhood - I can still feel for others?

I try not to judge you by your actions - but you - you cut to the bone. How does that make you feel? Does it make you feel big? Powerful? Strong? Does it help you feel better about yourself? Should I take comfort in the fact that my blood and my wounds have helped you? God - does that sound sick to you? You always give me sh*t for cutting - for harming. In the long wrong - does it really matter who does the cutting? Whether it's you or me? Either way the wounds are still there - they still need to be cleaned and covered. Idk - maybe none of this makes any sense. I'm almost positive it doesn't matter to you. You'll return - with your mask in place - your teeth and claws hidden for a time - until your urge to cut people down again rears it's head. You're an abuser - did you know that? You are no better or worse then the Red Queen. She hides behind her masks too.

Alot of us here have trauma - in one way or another - there has been abuse. Often at the hands of people we should have been able to trust. We have been unloved - unwanted. Neglected and left to wither and die. While we may feel frozen inside - stunted and ugly - somehow our souls and our hearts have survived - but not just survived - but flourished and in some cases - even bloomed. The fact that even with all our aches and pains - we still feel love and longing - says so much more about us then many will ever understand. Idk - maybe you're just jealous. Jealous because - that in spite of everything - in spite of our bruised bodies and our shattered minds we still feel love - Idk - that to me is real - it feels real. I am so much more than you will ever know. I am so much more than you will ever understand. I am real - I am me - I am a mix of many pieces and parts - we will not be afraid of you any longer. Together we are so much stronger than you.

You have no power here.

* ok let's have some post and panic with our coffee *

I can't always explain what goes on in my head. I suppose I could try but I don't always understand it myself. You hear the jokes - I do what the voices in my head tell me to do. Or - 4 out of 5 voices say - for the most part - people have no idea. My head is a f*cked up thing. We aren't all friendly - I have no control.

Think of it this way - It's like I'm an employee - and when the boss says something - says to do or not do something - it's done. The boss says to circle the wagons - fall back and protect - we do it. I know I've explained it to other people as - well - back to the tower defense strategy. There are waring factions in my head - we're all fighting for the tower. It is a constant war. This is all still new to me - to us. We don't like each other all that much at times. So most days it's a constant struggle. Constant conflict. It's my understanding that while it maybe not really be easier - it will become more manageable. God - I hope so.

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this on here before. Maybe - Idk - maybe not.

Idk - I've been having alot of problems lately - with myself - with other parts of me - with people here - with listeners. Just with everything in general. Things have been really unstable - I have been really unstable. I'm trying

Now for the usual post and panic when I talk about this stuff -

I think I may either wear out my feed or my thread today - Idk - I'm hurting - In so many ways - about so many things.

Everything feels wrong - some of my thoughts - are so dark - some of my urges - so strong. I feel kind of sick from them - kind of excited too. The rush - ya know? The thrill - the sight - the pain. But yet - god it makes me sound so sick. Sick and twisted.

Idk - maybe the phsyical will do away with the emotional - the mental pains. Nothing seems right and what's left seems wrong.

@NoneTheWiser @ThePizza -- Thank you - for putting up with me - for listening - for caring.

Eating dark chocolate, thinking of you

Let's be completely honest - Even if it's just for a moment. IF - I could disappear - I would. I'm not doing good - not at all. I wrote in my feed about having a hard time with words. Idk - maybe It's more having a hard time sharing things. I feel like I should keep everything a secret. Keep it to myself. I'm trying to avoid giving some people fuel for what ever BS is going through their minds. What games they think they need to play. Idk - maybe that's some of what started this. I know some of the secrecy is from certain insiders. All I can do at the moment is ask - please don't take it personally - please don't think it's you. It's me - and my stupid head. I'm trying. Maybe not as hard as I should. It's no excuse. I know. Even now - I can feel the fog - that haze creeping over to steal my words. Steal my thoughts. I feel like I'm failing everyone - myself included.

I'm losing time - forgetting things - remembering others.

I'm - I feel like I'm fighting a battle against all my demons and failing wonderfully. Like they've joined sides and it's just me against them. I'm just not strong enough. Flashes of rage - I'm getting angry - why? But yet - so sad. Idk - how to help myself. Idk how to stop doing the stupid shit I do. Is nothing ever right? I don't want to do this -

Idk - just ignore this