Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
I kind of really feel I should apologize - I shouldn't have written here last night. I just - Idk - wasn't thinking clearly.
I'm sorry
@mytwistedsoul
This is your space— its okay to write about these things, if it helps you to get it out— especially when you want to get it out. Youve been very good about putting trigger warnings on things— we all know when to read something and when not too. Were okay.
@mytwistedsoul You shouldn't apologize for what you write. We're all adults (or close to it at least) coming here and you warned up with the title of the forum, so it is our decision to come or not and read. Most of your posts just wish I could reach through my monitor and give you a hug.....maybe cookies as well. I'm old young. Just breath and write as you feel you need to, J - writing often helps.
So here we are again - about to post somthing else I'll probably regret later -
DZ - You don't like me very much do you?
RQ - No
DZ - May I ask why?
RQ - Because we don't need you. You're ruining everything!
DZ - I give you my word - I'm not trying to ruin anything. I'm trying to help you all
RQ - Bullsh*t! Just because those a**holes buy it - doesn't mean that I do
DZ - Is there another name you would like me to call you?
RQ - No! You know who I am - the name I go by. That's who I am. The Queen is the most power piece.
DZ - This isn't a game though
RQ - Isn't it?
This is all sort of a he said - she said thing - but she finally talked to him alittle more then the usual
Of course it ends when she tells him to go f*ck himself
Other then this - Kind of having some issues with the green house since the fashback - alot of anxiety with being in there now - fear that it will happen again. I'd hate to do it so soon but - Idk maybe its time to let it go for the winter. Or maybe - Idk - just push through and hope it feels safe again. We're not all cowards ya know? Just mainly me and some of the younger ones.
K's been staying close to the front - on guard - watching. There's people here - he doesn't trust their intentions. Feels they are alittle manipulative - pushy. Um - it's kind of nice seeing Logan talk to more people. Sort of makes me alittle nervous though. He's thought about trying out for a listener - but Idk. I think he'd probably be pretty good - he doesn't get triggered easily and is really easy going for the most part. Idk if K would like it though and then there's some concern about the RQ. She sometimes - Idk - she can make a bad situation worse.
Maybe with alittle more time - if we can ever get our sh*t together without having a melt down.
Haven't been all too productive lately - should probably fix that. I spend alot of time not alltogether here or there - guess it depends on how you want to look at it. The holidays - ya know? They suck
I know I'm tired - just so very tired - physically - emotionally - mentally - is there any ly's I missed?
@mytwistedsoul
Feeling pretty tired with you. It's been cool to talk to Logan :)
Feeling kind of sentimental -
So um - I kind of want to thank everyone - for saying it's ok to write whatevere here. I worry that maybe I'll scare everyone off. Or come across as some attention seeking - pity inducing tool. I just worry - lol - surprise! I worry about everything - Um - ya'll are a pretty brave group - ya know? I know we're all just a bunch of people online - but you all kind of shine. That lighthouse - a beacon - an anchor. When I came in here the first time - I never expected to meet such nice - open minded - understanding people. I know some of us are oceans away - others we're states away. But I do consider each of you a friend. Tbh - I didn't expect to make friends here. God - we could boil the sap down for syrup.
Um - yeah so - thank you for not running for the hills or gathering up the torches and pitch forks.
Ok so *sniff* lol enough sap I need to go chop some wood.
Be gentle wth yourselves and your thoughts - somewhere there is someone who think's you're all pretty special and I don't mean short bus special either
@mytwistedsoul Ah so no "stop sniffing the glue" special? I'm kidding! Everyone around you is here because we want to be and chose to be. I've told you many times you cannot scare me off easily. I stay pretty open-minded and I hope you feel you can talk to me anytime you want....even if I'm not online, you are always free to leave messages! I mean it - any time!
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much J--- made me smile--- with all honesty I'm glad to be here, occupying space in your onlineness (haha, new word). Even though I feel I've been thanking you all alot lately--- sometimes it can be hard for me to say stuff. Idk-- this is kinda a small thing but sometimes when talking about things I leave out the "I", so I can say it without feeling too exposed--- this isn't coming out right--- anyway you're quite a lighthouse yourself :) So greatful to be your friend. Only torches needed here are the ones I use to find the campfire tucked away in the woods--- um yeah
Jeez I guess we all need sap for our life pancakes occasionally, right? lol
(But seriously thank you so much-- for being you--- can't talk right sigh)
I sit here staring at this screen - thoughts swirling - constantly turning - over and over. I'm getting sick - blech. A cold - yay me. Not really in a bad mood - not really in a good mood. Just here I guess. Some anxiety - some sadness. Some over thinking of somethings - some underthinking of others. Idk - can you actually underthink things? Sort of bordering on numb - I think I like numb.
I'm having issues with the green house. Which p*sses me off - it was always a nice place to hang out.With the plants in there and the warmth of the stove - it was always like a spot of spring. Now - Idk - work on it I guess. Might be time soon to just let it got dormant.
Words have sort of been in short supply.
@ClassicalMe
Hey C - How are you? I know you haven't been active since August. But I have to say - you have been in my thoughts. I want you to know - we're still keeping a spot here for you - feeding the unicorns and kissing rainbows. You are missed here C. I hope that no matter where you are or what you're doing - that you're safe and using your music as a release.
Be gentle with yourself C and your thoughts. Merry Christmas
J
Time passes - ya know? Seems unrealistic with the way it moves.
Blink - an hour has passed. Blink again - two hours. Look out the window - visit your thoughts - days pass. A month here - a year there. I lost almost 2 years once. Would I want it back?
Thoughts are confused - chronic brain freeze - train has left the tracks
Anxiety - I've been on red alert all day. Says quiet - yeah? Whisper quiet - church mouse quiet
Just a - Idk - thoughts lol - might get weird
Seems harsh - cruel and uncaring. I know there's things we shouldn't discuss here - but to boot someone minutes after posting something? Ok - so maybe it wasn't where it should have been. Still - nothing says no one cares like kicking them out.
It makes me angry - sad. Frustrated and I really want to say something about it - but I'd probably get kicked out too. Allthough - a part of me says they dgaf and it would just cause more problems then they're ready for
Child of War
Kind of an emotional blizzard - some of this - some of that - alittle bit of wtf thrown in for decoration - but mostly numb. If it's too much - we just shut it down. Shove it away and push it down - cover it with rocks and dirt. Maybe a few twigs and leaves - disguise it - maybe we'll forget it exists. Dirty secrets anyway - maybe poke it with a stick every few days - make sure it hasn't moved
Seems like I go through fits of isolating. Keeping words and thoughts to myself - it's attention seeking. So I kind of feel - fall back - fall back and regroup - retreat - ya know? Trying to get past that - but it's hard because I get tired of hearing myself
I'm not a menace - I'm a monster
Music has been a no go the past few days - feels like I can't understand it - it's loud and grates on my nerves
Idk - whats a world without music? Ah - numb - that's why - can't understand it - if you can't feel it
Table is done - delivered - no current commitments - this is both good and bad
Haven't harmed in allmost 3 weeks - even though I really wanted to a few times
There's been alot of drawing - Looked like we were attacked by a demented tattoo artist
Guess the word well has run dry
@mytwistedsoul
The site has instilled this fear and panic into people that they get kicked out...I can understand that can be tgreatening when you aquired a reputation, well earned fame and lots of acknoledgents in time (badges, points etc.) but it is not the end of the world as I have shown...because of this fear we are shy to express feelimgs or emotions or moods and we either isolate or feel frustrated, boxed and "tamed"...
I understand you so well Soul since I am also tired to speaking to myself...(this is my 8th year spending holidays alone and living alone and this talking to myself has become dangerous already).
I appologise for writing on your thread withput permission, somedays I wished every member could pm each other and we can talk more, but I am afraid because I do not want to hurt you without intention or knowing...I feel much the same way today...😔
@greybones It's not the fear of loosing points or badges. It's more the time acknowledgment. With time comes trust and trust is something that is important. If someone looks at the time and can see that you've been here for a while it says something. That's why it often comes as a shock to see someone who has been here for years decide to step down or bow out completely. That time helps show that they're predictable. It used to be more helpful when there was the feed to look at. It helped you to be able to read someone better. If you think about it, you would probably look for a listener who has been here longer instead of a newer one. Although maybe not, sometimes I think that the older listeners might be some what desensitized.
Tamed.... it's hard to be tame at times. I can understand treading lightly into the lives of others but we should be able to speak more freely about ourselves and about what we're thinking and what we're feeling. Raw honesty instead of sugar coated sh*t. I can understand the need for rules and guidelines they want everyone to follow. But if someone is hurting and they go through the trouble of writing it all down, the least someone could do would be to acknowledge it and let them know that they were heard. That's often what most people want.... someone to say that they heard them.
@mytwistedsoul
Indeed...
I feel sick - Idk how to make things right.
I'm failing - falling and fucking things up.
Idk - what I need - a shoulder?
Oh god - what have I done?
Panic attack working it's way - she won't listen and my words - deaf ears
Sadness - never ending - I say things and god sometimes it's the wrong things and it just messes everything up.
And I'm angry and frustrated - GOD DAMN IT! Listen to me would you just listen for a mintue and maybe we can agree
*sobs* How can I make you see none of these words are right - nothing want to come out right and FUCK who do you talk to? Reasons - for this - for that. Reasons for everything.
I can't stop it - can't take things back - words are words and they come and go and stupid shit just falls off our tongues and we trip over them in an effort to explain but none of it mtters. fate - destiny All the shit in between. It all crumbles and falss apart.
We all lie and deny. If we ignore it it goes away right? No - if we ignore it it gets worse. All the answers are lost if we don't use them. W need those to understand - everything. If not - what do we do?
I think I'm lost - in the grey the nothing. hard to fnd the light I am such an idiot.
What if it's too much - can I - don't say it. Damage
Cobwebs and dust - it all turns to rust. Thoughts - everywhere Growing wild caught and placed on display here. Moving words - hard words soft and tender. Gentle painful foreign
What am I going to do about me?
Type - delete - type - delete
What are we supposed to do with these letters?
@mytwistedsoul
Brilliant😂😂😂
I'm sorry. Sometimes I write things here and I'm not very mindful of who might be hurt reading it. I don't mean any disrespect to anyone. I just don't think - ya know? It bothers me knowing this now because I can't take it back. Yeah I can delete the post but the words are still there tumbling around in your head.
I'm sorry - if I wrote something here or on the other thread and it hurt you or someone else . I should have thought - been considerate and I didn't think - I wasn't considerate. I'll try not to let it happen again