Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

I was her confidant, her counselor. The perfect son. She told me things that no one else knows. Troubles with her parents.... She came to me. Problems with her husband.... She came to me. In times when her mind was troubled by any imagined wrong doings.... She came to me. There are things that I know, that no one should know. Her behavior during these times was distressing to J, she would become clingy and needy, wanting to be held and comforted. I provided a service for her. Unfortunately, the day after she would often be more withdrawn, more violent and hostile. She showed a side of herself that she needed to take back, a side to herself that embarrassed her and made her appear weak. Emotions to her, are viewed as a weakness.

I do not show emotions like the others do. They are there just muted. I feel sadness, I feel remorse and at times I feel lonely. I'm unsure if I've ever true happiness or joy. Many claim that I am cold and uncaring. I suppose in many ways I do seem cold but it isn't because I don't care. I am in fact a caretaker. I look after the others and see to it that certain things get done. The Doctor believes that someone is holding most of these emotions for me, keeping them muted. For the first time, I feel a small trickle of fear.

I've been kind of - I want to say in my head - but it's not really just mine. I have tbh - I've been pushing alot of things down - sort of enjoying the numb - lost in the grey. It's safe - it's quiet. I've been having trouble with sound - music - tools - just sounds in general and I catch myself creeping around the house - fearful of waking up the boogiemen. I know they lurk in the shadows but mostly just in the corners of my mind.

Not alot has been getting done. The bare minimum I guess you could say - at least work wise. The green house we let go dormant. There wasn't going to be enough cut wood to keep it going anyway. There's some wood left - just in case there's the urge to sit out there with the pine trees. There's been alittle more play but I did actually get the new grinder out and played with that alittle and the other new tools - so I have the pleasant smell of cedar in my nose.

I feel - lost sometimes ya know? Like google maps can't even find me lost. At times it bothers me - other times I don't care. And now I need to stop writing - because the words of someone else is coming back to me.

You know it's bad enough I have to listen to it from one - I didn't need some one else give her more words to use. God - I'm like freaking tacky tape or something - throw shit and it sticks - throw the good stuff. I have enough of the bad

Thoughts are Idk - sort of all over - contemplative I guess but sort of jumpy
or they were

I've gotta be honest - I have really been having a hard time writing - pretty much any where here. I start and it feels ok but as soon as I want to really talk about anything - I get shut down - anxiety spikes and I feel like freaking out. Theres reasons for it but I'm getting frustrated

D**n

Thought the nightmares had stopped. I think in some ways they're getting worse

I'm silenced alot. I let myself BE silenced alot. Comments have a way of being parroted back. They burn themselves in your brain after awhile until it becomes true in the eyes of anxiety and insecurity. It has to be the truth. It has to be - you've heard it all before right? It's what make you - you. The essence of you is built upon those words and you have actions that strengthen those words. Without those words who are you?

Seems inevitable - the instructions are written on your skin - embedded in flesh and bone. The ties that bind are often the ties that break you

Victim or volunteer? Maybe you volunteer to be the victim - maybe it's just part of your instructions for other people

I try not to write to much here anymore. Feels like - Idk - attention seeking - looking for - Idk - something. Saw something here - a post on the site - the first thing it says it to quit/stop complaining. Idk - just feels like you don't really belong here - ya know? Some days it feels like you just don't belong anywhere or if you do ask for help - it's ignored. Which it was hard enough reaching out the first time - rest assured - it won't be asked for again. The silence has given me the answer and I've declared myself unworthy. I have been weighed and measured and found wanting. It's ok though - ya know?

Idk - my thoughts are sort of scattered today and they're all pretty dark- I'm sorry about that - just fuel for someone else or maybe she's fueling the dark thoughts - guess it doesn't really matter -

Don't really like myself today - Idk - there has to be a balance some where - a purpose for all this hurt and anger and sadness. Doesn't there? Maybe it just takes time to find it. Maybe we're looking in the wrong place - Idk

Been having moments of intense restlessness - uncomfortable in this body - uncomfortable with myself

Idk - does it ever get better?

Just dumping some thoughts -

These intrusive thoughts are intruding on my thoughts - slick little f**kers. Nudges from the Queen aren't helping.
Head feels crowded
Been tempted - oh so tempted

Nightmares - have become a nightly thing. Horrible - drenched in sweat - gasping for air - nightmares. Makes what little sleep I get almost pointless. Bed sheets are being ripped to shreds - but I don't remember much of them afterwards. I do find myself in some strange places though

I'm trying to work things through - work things out but IDk - I don't think I'm doing a good job. There's only so much a therapist can do ya know? Guidance - talking - he helps alot but the brunt of the work all boils down to us. Communication and co-operation - lol - yeah - alot harder then it should be

Still dissociating alot -

Haven't been able to listen to much music - it's been grating - like raw exposed nerves - I miss it
Eating is hit or miss - because lately I feel sick to my stomach alot

Train of thought is - Idk - the tracks are getting wobbly - possible derailment is imminent

How is it that the more things make sense the less you understand or maybe the more you understand the less it makes sense

Idk - I can't say this is going to make a whole lot of sense because I think there's a blender in my head.

The whole purpose of this place is for support - yeah? I'm having a hard time writing on here because the support scares me - lol. Well not that it scares me but I worry about that it comes across as attention seeking. Which is kind of the point in away - that validation. Idk - I have no idea what to think or even what I feel half the time. It's - everything seems like it's the wrong thing. It's frustrating.

She tells me things you know? And it's hard sometimes to know what's true. I've heard it before.

I just don't want to end up being that person who makes other people groan oh no. - not again. Idk how to stop this though. But I'm tired of always keeping quiet at the same time. So WTF do you do? How do you get it right with yourself that it's ok? That it's ok to be here?

Hands are shaking - hell whole body is. Riot in my head - Queen screaming for blood

You're shit - you know that? at the same time - soothing... you tried to warn them. You tried to make them understand you're no good. You're a monster J, this is what monsters do. Destroy people and things - ruin lives

She's right - don't say she's not. You don't see it all - too many secrets too much hidden - just this is writing too much. Too mny eyes and ears here - too many taking it personal doesn't seem right - if you do this then I will feel this

I'm sorry you can't fight nature

Can't think straight - only one thought on my mind - it's been awhile just too much - feeling just too much. From nothing to everything

DONT ok? Just don't -please. i'm sick toxic poison radioactive waste anger - wheres it come from? The rage - consuming

I'm sorry - god I say that all the time - pointless meaningless stupid fucking words that don't mean shit. It's not you ok - it me - it's always me - fucking failure - loser- whining complaining piece of shit

The DOT is RED

Shattered. Emotional. Wrecked. This whole life thing is like trying to hold smoke in your hands. You can try to keep it in place but it drifts away. Hope is like that too. Have you noticed? Try as hard as you can to hold it but fate or destiny or what ever diety you pissed off slaps it away amd laughs in your face. Stupid silly mortal. You only hurt yourself more by entertaining it. It is what it is.

She's right you know? You are what you are - nothing more - nothing less. Just not good enough - failing to meet the standards. Quality control didn't give you the stamp of approval and you're never going to get it. Funny you thought you ever could - stupid silly mortal