Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Had to get the truck inspected yesterday. Theres a place that does it on sundays - kind of cool because less people. Plus you can wait. But the guy that does it - he's - um - Idk - he seems like a nice guy. Just hard to read - his smile's never reach his eyes. Just a very tense day
Idk - I think sometimes we cling to hope so hard we forget reality. Reality is a b*tch. Desperately seeking comfort from the notion that things will work out in the end. We trick ourselves with our delusions and try to alter the reality of things with those delusions.
Idk - do you ever think - Idk Nvm.
I think theres some aggression working today. I hurt - not just mentally but physically. It's messed with sleep last night more so then usual. Alot of tossing and turning - the only real comfortable position was to be curled up in a ball and even that - Idk - it just washes over you - swamps you - drowns you. In a way it's ok - though - because it still feels like you deserve it. All this is your penance - for your crimes
Freaking - lost in lala land - again
Should be a law against losing so much time
Type - delete - type - delete
I enjoy visiting this thread and seeing the first picture on here be that of a dog enjoying the leaves. The sense of innocence and playfulness.
We need more of this. Many of us lost our innocence before we even understood what it was, what it meant. I doubt it's something we can get back from the ones who stole it. We grieve it's loss. How can we not. When daily there are constant reminders in the form of nightmares and memories.
An interesting check in today by Ms Wise. The discussion of internal safety. This is a huge issue for us in so many ways. We are very chaotic inside. There is a profound lack of trust when it comes to emotions. It's hard to trust what you don't fully understand. We still struggle sometimes with the knowledge that we are allowed to be angry. We're allowed to feel anger towards the people who caused such pain. This anger gets internalized. It adds to the chaos. We use it against ourselves. It has a tendency to turn us into the best self destructive weapon known. I'm unsure of how to stop this.
I apologize, it seems my thoughts have become pensive and maudlin.
She claimed it was an accident
We tugged at her clothe - she pushed away
Too hard
Cry baby - did I just hear you whimper?
SHUT UP
Memories engraved in flesh and fused in bone. Festering wounds weeping poison that reach its tendrils outward and corrupt everything they touch.
I've been angry lately and depressed. Sort of withdrawn and a lack of words. Hard to focus and concentrate.
Questioning faith or the lack of it. Idk - it's confusing. In some ways - I wonder if thats whats missing - in other ways -Idk - it disappoints me. Idk - has anyone ever answered YOUR prayers? It makes me angry. I think things about how we were supposed to be made in his image and - Idk - I really think I was just put here to suffer. I'm made up of nothing but flaws. Like maybe - I just have a bad soul. Covered in black marks. Idk - seems words are still an issue. Idk - they're there but the guards have stopped the train and are searching for - something. Words probably - elusive creatures that they are.
I catch myself with jaw clenched so many times - muscles tense. Don't realize it until - well - until I do.
Idk - I think alot of times - I'm just quiet because - no one needs to know
@mytwistedsoul
I get you. Sometimes I feel like everyone has his guardian angel exept for me. In front of others, I just pretend I'm fine 'cause everyone has his own problems. When I get insulted, I pretend I don't when I do care. My life is just made of lies and pretending...a lot of pretending. Even with other people who have the same condition as me...I pretend.
I'm the oldest kid in my family, so I have to be perfect and show the example. I have to do everything right and that pressure is suffocating me. I should probably tell the people around me how I feel, but no.......I pretended, I'm pretending and I'll keep pretending 'till I completly run out of power, emotion, sympathy and empathy...until they realise on their own how much they mentally damaged me. 'Till that...I'll pretend.
@Unexistinggirl6 Hey How are you? It's nice to meet you
Fake it to make it - yeah? I think alot of people do it. Idk - I guess we worry that people won't understand. SO many things carry such a stigma it makes you afraid to talk about things and admit to things. Or like you said - we know other people are struggling with their own things - so we worry we might be adding.
I hope you know you don't need to pretend here. It's ok to not be ok here. Granted everyone is going through something here but there's strength in numbers.
It must be hard to be the example for your younger siblings. Allways having to do what you think everyone wants or needs. There's nothing you can do to let your parents know the stress and strain you're under? I know how hard it is to not have anyone to go to - no one you can talk to about the things that are wrong or bothering you. It makes you feel very much alone.
If you ever need to talk or vent - I'm willing to listen. No pressure or obligation though - just offering - yeah?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Headache - feel like sh*t because I am
I'm an idiot - ya know? You can disagree - but it's true. It's why I do stupid sh*t
Stupid people do stupid sh*t
I'm sorry for the stupid sh*t I do - being sorry doesn't make me any less stupid
Please don't sit -
Kind of feeling alittle of everything today. One of the dogs has had some trouble with her liver in the past. Earlier this week we had the annual check up thing and they do blood work. Well - the results came back that her enzyme levels have gone higher in some places and something about her platelets. Idk - tbh - they call and you only end up taking in so much of the conversation. Because - bad news - ya know? Brain gets stuck on the bad stuff. We have to do another pee test - but there's a chance they think she could have Cushings. I mean if the levels are screwed up - there's obviously something wrong. Idk - it scares me to think and I don't want to think it - but I can't help but think about it. Like theres this weight hanging right over my head
It hurts - it makes me angry. Tbh - I can't help but think I'm only allowed to have good things for awhile. Just enough to get attached and then it's taken away
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so sorry-- I hope further tests don't reveal any worse problems-- idk just in my thoughts
@ThePizza Thank you Pizza
It's miserable here today. Cold and rainy - alittle snow thrown in just because
Right at the moment - I'm not sure how I feel tbh. Kind of shaky - ok pretty shaky right now. Sort of anxious - sort of depressed. Been having trouble with being restless but Also exhausted. So need to move - but don't want to
I get it stuck in my head sometimes to not write - to not reach out. The urge to isolate but yet wanting someone to talk to. Even here - writing for myself. IDk - if it's fear of being a pita or fear of just being. Don't want to seem needy -
Mending fences - this has been a thought for awhile. Why? Idk - because it feels like the right thing
Lsot the cat for alittle over the weekend. Caused alot of concern - thought maybe something ate him. We do have big owls - bears and coyotes. But he returned - alittle thinner but seemed fine
Didn't get the dog in to the vet this morning - they just want a pee sample - not the whole dog - first one of the day - should be interesting - because we keep such weird hours here. Vet said it wasn't a real big hurry but sometime with in the next week - thank you to everyone and their kind thoughts
Was working on something in the shop and a piece broke off - kind of thought it might because of the way the wood was. Should be able to fix it but it took alot to not just smash it
Words look alittle funny - so does everything else tbh - think I might be alittle de/p or de/r - probably both. Been having alot of trouble reading - focus and concentration suck some problems with word insertion so - I'm sorry if theres something in here that shouldn't be
Alittle worried about the new rules for forums - kind of worry about what is written on my threads now - oh wait - I was before - now it's just worse. YAY me!
Idk - head feels full and empty - not even sure how thats possible. Been losing alittle time here and there could just be slipping into the grey - feel tired but need to move
Need some sunshine
The problem with isolating - is it's so easy - ya know? It's so easy to stay away from people - so easy to keep to yourself
