Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

I figured that things would get easier to talk about. That it would get easier to share how I feel. It hasn't and i feel like a major screw up. The self harm is out of control. I try to tell the therapist, but I tell him half truths and denials. I try to tell him but the words just won't come out. So I lie and say I'm fine. Don't get me wrong, he really helped calm things down last week, but it only lasts for a few days at most and then it builds up out of control again. He knows I can't sleep, but won't give me anything because "I would be unsupervised" I'm unsupervised all the time, still have all fingers and toes. Haven't burned the house down. So fine I'll figure it out myself. What he doesn't know is half his group therapy scholars smoke pot and they're willing to share. While it's really really tempting, it's a little scary because I'm not sure what it'll do to me. I don't need any more problems. I know I need to sleep but I can't not more than an hour. Even then I wake up in a panic. The anxiety meds he gave me don't always work. I'm going through them like skittles. Grounding only works sometimes if I'm in the woods and even then, it's really weird and scary to walk in when it's light and then here it is, almost dark outside. He says I'm not the only one this happens to, I asked then why does it feel like I am the only one? I need to make connections and be open to communication, he says. Almost flipped him off. And these Mo**erF**king headaches, holy shit. Some not so bad. other's..just cleave my head with an axe. Those are the one's those suck. Yeah I know, other people get those too. But damn could we throw anymore on this all ready overflowing plate I'm holding? I must have really pissed off somebody in a past life. Then there's a religious mentor emailing me, which I have idea's but that's not a good idea. Me and god don't get along so..now I need to figure out how to handle this without calling the wrath of christians. No offense to any, just not for me. At the same time I don't want to hurt her feelings.Because she seems nice. But I can't debate with her about god's love and how I'm worthy of it. Damn this sucks.

@mytwistedsoul

i'm so proud of you for making progress! i know how difficult that is, and its incredible how far you've come. you're very important to many of us, and i'm here to talk whenever you want to! personally, i'm trying my best to fight the urges, and i'm only two days clean. i keep relapsing, so it's so cool to see you pulling through. i know the urge can get harder and harder to push back against, but stay strong. you got this!

So here it is, the start of a new week, almost the start of a new month. Time has been flying, was too long ago there was complaints about snow and cold weather. Now there's weedwacking, bugs and snakes. Man I hate snakes.

Today has actually been a good day so far. Almost peaceful. I don't want to say it too loud, ya know? Tempt fate, karma, the big eye in the sky, whoever might decide to give me a flick to send it spiraling again. So finger's crossed.

Today makes day 3 of the no self harm journey. Last week..was a nightmare week. I don't want or need another week like last week. But for anyone else fighting this SH thing. I found something new to try, maybe you've heard of it. It's called the

So to everyone else fighting this...may your butterflies fly, healthy, happy, whole. Best of luck to you all!

@mytwistedsoul

hi um I also have social anxiety and I know what you mean by wanting to grab something sharp and I don

Hah you sound like you know how to stop self harm and I do it almost every day and I can

Sending good vibes your way. I believe you will find the strength to power through. I hope youre feeling better @mytwistedsoul

Have you ever gotten yourself so worked up over something that you break out in hives and make yourself physically sick?

There are times when we have to do things that, well, you know you have to do it, but it goes against everything that was pounded into you. Even just wanting to post about it. It goes against what you were taught. What happens in the family, stay in the family. You don't talk to anyone about family, outside the family. Which really sucks because the whole family is really just f*cked up. So who does that leave?

I guess I need to just throw this out. My family is like a hornets nest or a pit of vipers. Pick one, doesn't matter, either the nest or the pit will mess you up. Last week There were things that were brought in to light about certain other things. Sorry- I'm having a real hard time putting this out. (yay! an internal arguement)

Most of yesterday was spent with authority figures. To file and press charges against certain members of the pit. To vanquish the Red Queen. But man we have stirred up a sh*t storm. Should probably post this before I delete it again.

kind of a bad night - just restless - angry - stupid headache. that you'd really like to but you know you shouldn't but you know it would make you feel better. Don't do it! It's not worth it, Need to sleep - ah Hamlet - to be or not to be that is the question - something about suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune.. who knows to sleep - perchance to dream - dreams- that's why I don't sleep. Man this sucks in so many ways and on so many levels

kinda sorta think I screwed up.. what an idiot

Hey, I know I'm kinda late to comment, but I just wanted to say that I hope you're doing better and you have a good day today. Stay strong and find some happiness, hug a rainbow, kiss a unicorn, all that shit ;) Nah, but for real, have a fantabulous day.