Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@mytwistedsoul
As someone who used to self-harm, I find that drawing on myself helps. It gives me tactile grounding, which is very important to my nervous system. But it's also repetitive, which is meditative. I like to draw vines w/ leaves or dots and lines. I'm not skilled at drawing, so I keep it simple.
Your description of your depression reminds me of this song called "Fruit Fly" by Nada Surf. It's about a guy who is super depressed, so he just stares at some fruit flies as they buzz around.
"Geometric patterns smearing out of control, Only have enough gas left, for the beer can to the bowl, What can you do but go on?"
@ladysnessa Cool song! Thanks for sharing it. I tried the butterfly thing, not too long ago. Sorry to say, I killed the whole lot of them. Yeah I like to watch the ceiling fan go round. Kind of the same thing as watching the fruit flies I guess.
Just kind of having a moment - don't mind me. Just figured since it's sort of - kind of my thread, what better place to vent, yeah?
I'm sort of, idk, lost, at a loss. I don't know. This thing with listeners... is ... confusing. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's them, maybe it's just a combination of the 2.
It sort of seems that I'm just better off talking to myself. They say they want to help - with the urges - the anxiety. It kind of takes alot to come forward and say hey - I need a little help, help me see a little light - a little hope. Something - I mean, lol I have no idea what I mean. I guess I don't really see the purpose, the reason. It's just - what's the point in having someone to "listen" to you about things when it takes hours or sometimes days to get back to you? By that time the moment has passed - the damage is done. Is it just me? I see things that other people have said about listeners so I guess not.
I haven't done anything, we're 2 days in now, so far so good. I've had to walk away from things a few times and the thought is there. A ticking time bomb. I'm slowly working my way down the list ThePizza put down. Made cookies this morning at 2am. Found out you shouldn't toss racquet balls into the ceiling fans, boy do they fly.
I'm finding that people are actually more helpful through the forums. It's just frustrating. I realize that people have outside lives, school, jobs, family, other commitments but if you're too busy, then why did you make contact in the first place? Like I said - just needed to vent.
@mytwistedsoul
I understand what you mean. I had a whole long response and… didnt post. I give up. But thats fine, it was basically me being a rude self centered person again. Wow I feel bad for including this
How are you now? I hope that the past days have been at the very least, tolerable
@ThePizza Hey How are you?
Why would you think you're a rude self centered person? I mean - I know we all have our moments, but I find you've been nothing but thoughtful and helpful, at least to me. Please don't feel bad, I think a lot of times I don't post what I wrote is because I figure no one wants to hear it, it's hard to imagine other people caring when you don't care yourself. Know what I mean?
I really do appreciate the list, it's been helpful and in some cases even fun...tossing balls around..especially racquetballs, just not in the ceiling fans.
At the moment...I'm all right. How 'bout you? Are you all right? No offense but you kind of sound - down. Is there something you'd like to talk about?
@mytwistedsoul
Im glad that youve been doing okay :)
Yeah, its been a hard week. I might be getting a counselor which feels- strange. And… yeah. Not much to say except it was rough.
Thanks for asking, I appreciate it :)
@ThePizza
Thanks..KInd of having a moment myself a the moment - but it's going past just basic SH.
I'm sorry it's been a rough week for you. A counselor will be good yeah? I hope you have a good weekend, or at leaset a better one than what the week has given you.
Oh you're welcome, Stay cool Pizza, Take care
@ThePizza Sorry man - I'm like a total freak today. Don't mind me.
You know - if there's something you'd like to vent about or something - It's ok if you want to do it here. Lol - I do it all the time.
I really do hope that you feel better - why does getting a counselor feel strange?
As I said - you ever want to talk or vent - feel free.
Stay cool - Be gentle with yourself.
@ mytwistedsoul
Glad to know the list has been helping in the short term, at least
I seem to be spending alot of time lost in music - lost in my head. I know I haven't been a very good friend to myself, probably not for a while. 2 years at least. Not since the grandparents died. I've got no one to keep me in check any more. Kind of sad, kind of scary.
I feel really unsure if everything lately. People - myself - my thoughts - feelings. Doubts and second guessing everything. I write posts and then delete everything. Posts here - check in's.
Just sort of lost. As I told someone earlier - I'm not sure about going down this path that I'm on. There are thorns and landmines. The things that I now know - I don't want to know. And there's still so more that I don't know and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know that either. I feel as though I'm falling farther down the rabbit hole.
click post before it's deleted
@mytwistedsoul
Im sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I dont have any good advice to help you get by. I know its hard, but do try to practice some self care. Over time it will become easier, bit by bit. I dont know how long youve been clean, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, maybe even months; however long it is, Im happy for you. Every second youre clean, youre winning. If you do SH- well, one battle is t the deciding factor of a war. There will be other battles to be fought. I know youll fight them; youre stronger than you think- determined, too.
@ThePizza Thank you, today is day three. There've been moments, but right now in this moment, it's ok. I spend a lot of time in the wooods. It appeals to the wild side of me, especially with it being spring. All the new life. It's fascinating watching the animals with their young. That's my self care I guess. Thanks for your help, your confidance. Stay cool Pizza
Harvey Danger sings a songc- Paranoia.. I'm not sure why That popped into my head. Ya'll will have to forgive my spelling for some odd reason I feel like a need to hurry. Not sure why. Just need to get things out in a hurry. I guess. Don't know.
I worry worry worry all the time about what people think - of me- things I say - things I post. Post and panic sounds like it should be a dessert some where. Let me get a slice of post and panic. Judgement - man that it something I am really bad at or for I guess. I don't judge others - well no - I guess that's a lie. I judge that they are judging me. Does that make sense? You know, because of the DID I've had people ask me if I've murdered anyone. If I've been arrested.? um...NO.. I've never been violent to anyone other than myself. My soul may be twisted but it's not really warped that far.
Whew - deep breath - much calmer now. sorry
Everyone needs to go - eat a piece of fruit or something. God there are times I feel like such a fruit loop
@mytwistedsoul I can't tell you how much I needed a laugh, and I'm sorry if it wasn't supposed to be, but this was too funny
@ClassicalMe Lol!
Nah it's cool. I'm glad you got a laugh. It was kind of my intention.
Pop Evil - Monster You Made
Awesome tune
Woo hoo! Figured out what triggered the earlier freak out!
Still thinking about post and panic.. Don't the british have something called bubble and squeak? Yep... thank you google. But eww.. yuck Pass Sorry no offense.
I hope everyone has a good weekend.. do something enjoyable.. something for yourself... be good to yourself... be gentle.. I'll work on the same.
This weekend is proving to be a problem. Didn't realize what weekend it was. The whole weekend should have a trigger warning.
@mytwistedsoul
I am sorry to hear that. This weekend so far has been tough for me too.
I hope it improves soon
@ThePizza Hope your's gets better to.
Take care, be gentle with yourself.
@ThePizza You need to talk about anything?
@mytwistedsoul
I'm tired all the time and I
@ThePizza It does cause problems when you feel like that and adds to the feelings of unhappiness. I understand self hatred. All to well...I'm sure you know that just because you may have done something bad, that it doesn't make you a bad person. We all make mistakes and mess up, we just have to try to learn from them and grow to do better. I mean look at me..I'm like a walking screw up.
Is there any way to fix what you did wrong? A way to make it right or better?
I messed up yesterday... while talking to someone... seriously jumped to some major conclusions that were totally wrong. I did it because of how other people treated me before. I assumed that this person was going to judge me the same way. It was wrong..completely wrong on my part. I judged this person for judging me when they weren't even doing anything of the sort.
Totally unrelated I'm sure... I just want to let you know that we all make mistakes.
Are you still thinking about getting that counselor? It would help with the depression.
@mytwistedsoul
Its likely Ill get a counselor as my doctor recommended I do and Im a teenager so she gave my mom a list of services around where I live.
I cant fix what I did, what I did really is only hurting myself, but I did lie to a lot of people. So I guess Ill just make sure it doesnt happen again
I understand what you mean about judging people judging you. I constantly feel like everyone is judging me, even my best friends, and sometimes I try to apologize for things before they happen, and usually I end up apologizing for things that DONT happen
@ThePizza That's good, yeah? I hope you find someone that you can connect with and feel comfortable with. I'm on my third one now since Feb.
Ah... lying is sort of a defense thing at times. It's obvious that you do feel regret/ remorse for it. I think everyone lies at some points in their life. Not saying it's right of course, but it does happen. From saying we're fine, when we're not to lying to ourselves about things...little white lies to cover our uh..butts when we do things we shouldn't. And some it comes from that fear of judgement. Some of it...probably some trust. It's hard to be open about things when you don't trust a situation and are worried about being judged.
I'm with you on that... I'll apologize for everything..whether I need to or not. Doesn't matter if I actually did anything or not. It's reflex. If I think I'm bothering someone... if I feel I'm wasting someones time... just basically being a PITA. I think with the judgement... idk .. I guess alot of times we are our own worst judges and critics so we just automatically think everyone is on the same page as us.
I hope you're feeling a little better... take care of yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Its likely Ill get a counselor as my doctor recommended I do and Im a teenager so she gave my mom a list of services around where I live.
I cant fix what I did, what I did really is only hurting myself, but I did lie to a lot of people. So I guess Ill just make sure it doesnt happen again
I understand what you mean about judging people judging you. I constantly feel like everyone is judging me, even my best friends, and sometimes I try to apologize for things before they happen, and usually I end up apologizing for things that DONT happen
@mytwistedsoul I wished you were confident and strong...I always had control over my knives and not them over me...the fact that life is hard and we suffer is no point in hitting and hurting yourself too...control your knives and don't let them control you and they will be your friends not enemies. If you are "scissorhands" than you know that people care about you and that you can control it.
@SakoombaKero Thank you.. I wish I did too. It's my hands I don't always have control over. I' m working on it. I think it's just going to take time. It's just a bad way to cope with things.
Take care
@mytwistedsoul it is and i fee so sorry to know you are hurting yourself. I hope and wish that you will get out of this dark place. Life is hard for all of us and we are victims, but if we hurt ourselves we just make it worse...
@SakoombaKero Thank you, but please don't feel bad. If it helps - tomorrow wil be day 9. I mean I can't make any promises but I really am trying to get it under control.
@mytwistedsoul i feel for you and I wish I could give you my own confidence so you will no longer hurt yourself...it saddens me...
