Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
having some issues today... just all the way around and I can't even really explain it. not a real big cryer but man for some reason that's how it is today. even typing this stupid post and then I get p*ssed about it.
don't leave in a huff - leave in a minute and a huff lol!
This may be a little rambling. I have questions and thoughts. Everyone does of course, but I guess my biggest one is. Is this my life, forever? I had someone ask about hopes and goals. Do I have any? Honestly I don't.
There's a song for everything, have you ever noticed that? I was listening to a song earlier this morning. It's by Like A Storm - Ordinary. Idk... the lyrics seem fitting in a way. Just a verse of it ...
Can't find an open door
Cracking the city wall
A way to reach the air outside
'Cause all I'm searching for
Is just a way to feel alive
Oh God I need to feel alive
(God I need to feel alive)
Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life alone? Just dogs for company? Nothing to show for it. How do you get past being afraid to be touched? How do you explain all the scars? God... what about kids? I never really thought about kids. Would I be good to them? Can I break the cycle? Does it make me a bad guy to even have to ask that?
I just realized this whole thread has turned into some sort of twisted journal. I guess that's ok. Comments are always welcome of course. I'm not sure where I was going with this. Just getting things out of my head I guess.
@mytwistedsoul man, I'm sorry to bombard all your posts but it all just clicks 100% with me. I've thought about all of that. When you get to a certain age, people just expect you to have all your life questions figured out. They expect you to have a vision, and goals and are so dissapointed when I have nothing to feed their steriotypical beliefs. Everyone I talk to asks me about college, relationships, a job, etc. And I just laugh akwardly and say I don't know yet.
Afraid of being touched? Good grief I could tell you some embarrassing stories. I had someone put their hand on my back at walmart yesterday and I must've seemed mental. I almost even cried and then actually cried when I realized how stupid that seemed. (Sorry in advance if this is too personal) I (thought I) thought up the courage to sleep with someone many months ago. When they even just touched my shoulders I got angry and flipped out at them.
Mixing two of your thoughts into one that I've though about. If I do have kids, how do I explain scars to them? Will it make me more empathetic to them, or will it be something I always have to hide?
You said there's a song for everything. I can't even begin to tell you how true that is! I've tried to tell people that for so long! You have a feeling, there's a song that fits it. You have an experience, there's a song for it. Like, ANYTHING! So true...
On your maybe hypothetical question that I'll give my opinion on anyways (just cause I can 
) Make you a bad guy to ask that? I think more people should ask those kinds of questions. You have such quality thoughts and feelings, seriously. I enjoy reading your posts and again, sorry if it's not intended, but your sorta dark humor always makes me laugh.
Again, I sincerly apologize for all the comments, and this long one. I know you probably didn't want to hear all that lol I hope the rest of your day is fantabulous!
@ClassicalMe No need to apologize! To be honest it makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one that feels and thinks this way. Because sometimes I feel a little bit like a freak for some of it. I mean seriously - not that I want anyone to feel like this and I'm sorry that you do but it kind of like - whew - I'm not the only one. Hey I'm still waiting for my letter to Hogwarts, lol! Stupid owl must be lost. Probably using google maps.
I worked up the nerve to get a hair cut a few weeks ago. Took me over a year to do it but I got it done. The lady went to put the cape on and tuck the paper around it, Almost had a panic attack and it took I all I had not to freak out and yell don't touch me - well there were some sentence enhancers in it too. I kind of felt bad for her - she looked worried, probably wondering if I escaped from somewhere. Nah it's all right. I can't even imagine working up the nerve to sleep with someone - well yeah I can but - ahem - so how about those Dolphins?
An explanation I've been thinking of - and forgive me if this is wrong or tactless - but it was a tragic farming accident. A snake spooked the tractor - took all I had to keep it from running off. No seriously - I'm hoping it would make it easier for them to come to me with any problems, easier for them to talk to me about - anything. You know - that you can tell them you understand, you've been there.
Lol! I think you made me blush! Life is serious enough, you know? I'm trying to find some humor in some of it because if not - idk, then it's just super serious. And if I can help someone else find a little humor, get a laugh, it's all the better.
Lol! I hope you have a really good day too! Take care, yeah? Don't forget to eat that fruit.
@mytwistedsoul why did it post twice? I think this thread is having issues.
@mytwistedsoul sure, blame it on the thread! Lol
If you make me laugh anymore people will start to think I've finally lost it... But freal, it's sad when people start to think something is up when you're having a good day, rather than somethings wrong when you're being introverted and anxious and depressed. My vocal coaches always tell me to "channel my inner bubbly" I guess they didn't mean get drunk...just happy... How was I supposed to know?!
As for that stupid owl...that must be it! Permission to steal and use that? It's perfect, I love it!!!
I'm glad you're getting my cognitive processing working today. I was so out of it that I filled my vape with menthol, when I already had lava flow (strawberry, pineapple, coconut) in it. Can you say puke? Those flavors will never be the same again....
That's kinda what I was thinking, about the kids/scars thing... I would want them to be completely open with me, not as a friend relationship, but as a parent they can trust will help them and support them through anything they're going through. I think I have decided on I would share my experiences and feeling with them if they're going through something that my story will benefit them, but I don't want to put it in their heads if it's not already there? Do you know what I mean? I don't want them to think it's a viable option. I want them to learn and be better so they don't have to go through the same things. Wow...talking about raising kids... I better stop, It might make someone think I have my life in order! Ha...no chance of that.
Those dolphins...yepp...they're wet.. (I sincerely apologise, that was SO majorly out of line, but I couldn't resist)
Life is definitely serious enough. So much difficulty and drama, pain and stress, it's great when you can just laugh once in a while! People I think get so caught up in "life achievement" that they lose sight of the journey. And then you're 90 years old and in a nursing home and have accomplishments, but no good memories to go with them. Wow, that got sad on a comment that we shouldn't be so sad.
Take care? Eat fruit?! Ugh...whatever happened to small goals first? Let's start a little easier. Lol I'm kidding. You take care too, and don't mind me if I hang around and comment on your every word!
@ClassicalMe See, now this is what happens when you're unsupervised. Lol!
I have to thank you - because you aren't the only one that needed that laugh.
Lol! It's all about interpretation I guess. Inner bubbly - you sure it wasn't just gas? I think they make a pill for that. Although there's nothing wrong with other bubbly, breakfast of champions and all that.
Of course steal away lol! although if you have permission, I guess it's not really stealing.
Oh yuck! Definitely puke - but I'm guessing you all ready had your fruit that way then huh? Like drinking orange juice after you brush your teeth.
Ya know, I think if kids have a safe place, a safe person they can trust to go to with their problems and given ways to deal with their emotions in a positive way, it wouldn't be an issue. So many kids feel alone, so demeaned and worthless. Misunderstood. A lot of adults forget what it was like growing up. There's so much that kids have to worry about. I don't know maybe we need to look at the scars as our own google maps - the routes we took - the times we got lost. You know? Like this is my journey - my story. As twisted and winding as the road is, please let me teach you that this is not the road you want to take - please learn from my mistakes. Please come to me should you ever feel so lost - let me guide you and show you the way. Oh man - now I sound like I'm responsible too. People are definitely going to get the wrong idea.
LOL! Now I'm gonna have dolphins stuck in my head. I'll never look at them the same way again. Flipper will never again be an innocent movie.
I've decided when I get that old, I'm just gonna start biting people, just to keep it real, ya know? Keep it interesting. Although it is sad and kind of scary. Getting old. You realize we went from young to old in a matter of hours? Talk about maturing fast. LIke stinky cheese instead of good whiskey or fine wine.
Lol or have a life saver, i think they have fruit in them. Ooohh - poptarts! chocolate chip cookies and beer. Don't laugh it's actually pretty good. But no fruit in them, although - is hops a fruit or a vegetable?
Lol, thank you, nah it's cool, pull up a chair, we're making s'more's later.
@mytwistedsoul,
Yesterday my internet refreshed and it refreshed the page and lost my messge. Last night i let my phone die like a collassal dumbass. Let's see if I can get it right this time...
So I first want to make sure I ask if the smores were like a one time offer oooorrrr like, I could get a rain check for them...because no way in hell I'm going to miss smores!!!
Are you telling me, that by vaping fruit flavors, eating lifesavers and poptarts and beer (hops are a flower so I vote we count it) i'm living a healthy lifestyle? I've been doing it right all along! See, I'm not as far gone as everyone says!
I like your opinions on raising kids. I agree, I think that parents do often forget what it was like to be a kid/teenager. And by having someone to talk to, that doesn't judge or discriminate and listens and cares, it would make growing up a lot easier. I want to be the kind of parent (if that ever happens) that my kid can call when they screw up. I love your Google maps refrence, it actually made me tear up a little bit. I've never had the issue of scars/cutting/whatever else, reframed in a good way. I think that in time, yes, it could be something that you could say, i'm not proud of these moments, but I'm proud that I got through them and I know how rough it can feel sometimes and I'm here for you. Something that they don't have to go through because I already have. Learn from my mistakes kinda thing, but in a loving way. Anyways, I think you're going to be a good parent if you ever decide to have kids.
You didn't have to bring flipper into this!!! Childhood classic, ruined! Hahahaha I hope you remember dolphins this way the rest of your life... that would bring me much satisfaction :)
I can't believe you said that about biting people when you get old! That's great... i always said I'm going to get a wheelchair even if I don't need one and gently bump into people or act like I'm going to, and then play it off as a sorry old lady, when really I'll be laughing inside so hard I crap my depends. But freal, I don't think getting old is scary. With that said though, I want to find something to be proud of, or something I can pass along if I'm going to live that long. I want to find something that makes me want to live that long. I don't want to just take up air and space. I have a while to find that "something" though, so I'm not too worried about it. Maybe thats my problem. Everyone else is out making something of their lives, finding their something, and I'm still "not too worried about it". Eh, just add it to my long list of problems to fix.
Okay, so, my music team (vocal coaches, recording peeps, instuctors, etc) loved a lot of your words! I told them you were very prolific like that. I've borrowed the beer and chocolate chip cookies refrence, the cold coffee=lost time, todays a day for freaking issues, can you iron your soul, my heart is torn and at war with my head. I was at such a standstill with my music, but you have inspired the shit out of me! I could just hug you!... well, no...not really...I don't do the whole human contact...but ya know, the gratefulness is there! Lol for real, thank you so much for letting me borrow your words, and like I said, I give you 100% credit for them.
So, serious for a moment (I'm not sure I can manage serious, I always smile and start laughing when people say that, and it seems like I don't care or I can't be serious, even though I do and I can...bad habit) How are you today (like for real how are you, not just some canned socially acceptable answer). I hope you're good and bubbly (see? It just doesn't work hahaha)
That might be long enough for now...I'll be back... (in my best terminator voice)
@mytwistedsoul man you are just great. As lost as me. Why hurt yourself when you are so great🤗
@SakoombaKero Hey how are you?
Lol, thanks, lost definitely... great not so much. um... I'm a screw up... I keep telling people I'm a screw up. I do stupid things sometimes but I do them well.
Oh my gosh, he is great isn't he?! (Yes, I'm going to talk like you aren't here @mytwistedsoul ) thoughtful and philisophical, funny and quick with perfect humor, gardening, woodworking, talented, always asks how other people are, likes dogs, can play Piano, guitar and saxophone (the musician side of me squeals like a little girl in excitement) just so awesome....
@ClassicalMe LOL! That's because I wasn't.
So I'm sitting here reading this post, thinking about this musician Jacob Lee. And I was trying to figure out how you knew so much about him, And I was like oh wow, he does woodwork too... wait a minute... haha you funny!
@mytwistedsoul der der der (i say in the kindest way possible ) lol
@ClassicalMe Lol! Hey do you mind is I ask... what kind of music? I wanted to ask earlier.
@mytwistedsoul that's a very hard question lol umm... kind of indie/ acoustic-ish rock with a classical (hence the screen name) twist to it?
@ClassicalMe Sounds interesting, I've been checking out some indie music lately. Pop/ folksy stuff. My music taste goes all over the place. All though no gosple, no opera and country is iffy. As long as it's up beat it's all right. But that whole my truck got stolen by my dog on the way to the divorce is just too much.
@mytwistedsoul the truck got stolen by my dog on the way to the divorce made me laugh way too much LOL country: bible, booze, babes and boobs, and anything cringeworthily depressing, that's what country is made of. I listen to just about everything. I lean towards more rock/heavy metal/dark and loud music when I'm listening, or stuff that makes me feel deep waves of emotion. The pop music is for when I'm lonely or having an amazing day, and I turn on my amplifier and dance around with the pups lol. I don't particularly like country much at all, I don't care for rap, but there are a couple rap songs that just hit my feels. I play a lot of classical music, just because you have to focus so much on playing it, that my mind can't think of any of it's annoyingly intrusive thoughts. Yeah... Music, it's just something isn't it? Such a powerful thing, so complex, yet so simple at the same time. It can make you dance, make you cry, make you smile, associate memories, set the mood, anything. Music is awesome, understatement of the day.
@ClassicalMe Leave the bible out of it and you got me lol!
(ahem, let me clear my throat)... I was druunkkk on the daaayy I got divorced. My dog up and left me for a horse. I cried soo much when my truck turned over and now I'll have to run for cover. But at least I got a beer cooler although I believe it once was fuller!
Thank you ... I'll be here all week!
Oh wow. This whole thread is so wholesome and humorous. I have the same thoughts too.@mytwistedsoul
@LaneyPokenerd Hey How are you?
Yeah sorry it gets a little twisted in here. But welcome all the same.
Hey, (don't worry, I'll shut up eventually lol) I was reading some of your feed/posts, and I'm doing some recording later this week, I was hoping you'd let me kick some of your words/thoughts around and use them? I'd give you songwriting credit (nothing is ever going to be big enough that that will matter though). You don't have to answer right away if you don't want, you can think about it
@ClassicalMe Lol! Hey wow - I'm kind of honored. You're more than welcome to use whatever. Have fun with it.
So I may or may not have been stalking this thread for a while… hmmm, probably shouldnt post this. Have a nice day everyone (ugh why am I like this)
@ThePizza Hey How are you?
Haven't seen you in a bit. No need to stalk, lol! Come on in.
Have you gotten any where with the counselor?
@mytwistedsoul
Still havent gotten one yet. My parents havent had the chance to look into it more yet
@ThePizza Hey - so seriously... How are you?
I want you to know... you are welcome anytime.. yeah? If you ever and I mean ever need to talk about something, anything. I'm willing to listen. I might not have all the answers or heck any answers but I'm will to listen. No pressure... no judgement.
I've declared this a free zone. (well now I did) So Hear ye hear ye - free zone - here. Feel free - to talk about anything- Vent - rant- rave. Free to goof off - steal marshmellows - stoke the fire - and trip over fire extingishers. Free from judgement of any kind.
Seriously though... How are you? Is everything ok? I know you said you were feeling tired and had no motivation. Have you gotten anywhere with the counselor? Sorry.. you don't have to answer that if you don't want to of course. You have crossed my mind though, I've been wondering how you were.
I hope you have a good/ nice weekend. Be gentle with yourself. Take care
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, that means a lot to me. Yeah, still no counselor yet, but my parents are probably working on it.
I was feeling okay earlier this week but now Im feeling depressed again. Probably started with getting sick right before a swim meet, and so far I havent been able to go. I had to skip my favorite race because it was too early in the morning :(
Hopefully I can go later, and maybe seeing friends will cheer me up… (suddenly remembers all the schoolwork needing to be done)… ugh…
@ThePizza I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sick. And depressed. Do you find yourself getting down more towards the end of the week and on the weekends? Kind of like... idk... you have a fixed rountine during the week, things to fill your time. Things are more certain. But on the weekend things are more open and less certain. You're left to your own to fill your time. I'm not really sure where I was going with that... just questions, I guess. Looking for solutions.
Hopefully your parents will come up with someone soon.
I'm sorry you missed out on your favorite race, but if you're sick, you don't want to get sicker. I hope you can go later and hang with your friends. Lol! The homework...sorry man you're on your own with that! Maybe just do a little at a time so it doesn't feel so over whelming. Or do it all...if it's not too much... that way it's done and over with. Out of the way and you don't have to worry about it anymore.
I hope you have a good weekend. Take care... be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Yes, weekends are hard for me. Night time too, and I think youre right; those are the times where Im not focusing on school or practice. I mean, doing that can be pretty depressing too… but yeah, youre right.
Im feeling sick to the stomach again. Not sure why. I guess it isn't helping that Im talking to my best friend who happens to be a million times faster than me. Sigh…
Hopefully my brain calms down soon.
Have a good day everyone :)
@ThePizza So we need to figure out something that you might find interesting to do with your free time. Do you have anything that you think might be kind of fun to try out? But something that would be flexable because of school, home work and swim practice. Gotta try to be responsible, ya know. Yeah I get homework from my therapist. I find it depressing too. So you're not alone there!
Your best friend might be faster than you now, but you know that could change. Plus you've been depressed - that can affect everything.
I hope your brain can calm down too. I hate when mine gets busy like that too. Makes me restless, and irritable.
Have a good weekend, stay cool Pizza
@ThePizza Hey How are you?
So I've been doing some thinking on things that you could possibly do with your free time. I must warn you - they're probably all pretty stupid. But they're just suggestions. Ok - ready? Lol, here we go.
Astronomy Origami rock painting gardening - could be small, herbs or flowers Puzzles - you could even create your own Photography - which you could use to make puzzles, Theres even a few places online that you can do it (jigidi) Make a board game Make candles (Wise does this) Scrapbooking Geocaching - which if I understand correctly is kind of like a treasure hunt, but I'm not 100% sure. Of course there's whittling or wood work but idk your parents might not like that.
of course there's the usual - clean your room and organize your things. But that's what the closet and under your bed is for. I mean how many times can you clean your room? Let alone organize it.
@mytwistedsoul
Hahaha, yes, I agree. Thank you so much for the list! Those are all pretty interesting activities… yay :)
@ThePizza Hey that's great! Well not about the closet or under the bed, of course. I'm glad they're of interest. You very welcome! If anything else comes to mind I will pass it along.
Just sort of talking out loud here. I'm having some issues with control- a battle of wills. See who the stronger one is. It's exhausting. And frustrating. ( sigh) I have a war room in my head. THere are things discussed there, decided, declared. All weapons are peace tied. It's supposed to be a free zone too. But it's not. All it ever ends up doing is stirring shit up. Rattles my cage. Kind of like you just keep your sh*t, I don't need you to tell me things. And I know it's not right and it's not fair. And poof- thoughts gone. Guess that's all that can be said about that. Thought thieves.
I'm having a word problem today. Good thing there's spell check, I'm gonna have to just trust it's not lying to me. Unlike autocorrect, which I can only imagine what that would have here. Because the words just don't look right. The letters..idk. Don't make sense. Makes me feel just a little more stupid at times.
Do you ever have times when the skin you're in doesn't feel like it's yours? I descibed it to someone before as like you had to borrow someone elses shirt. It fit's but just barely and it just doesn't feel right. No matter how much you pull and tug it just isn't right. But it has to be your shirt because it's got your freaking name on it. Maybe you're not you, but if you're not you - than who the f*ck are you. (sorry folks) There's been a liberal use of the f word today.
(tosses some more wood on the fire) Ya never know...just in case someone needs a moment or two.
I think... not often but occassionally. I'd really like to make some joke or something but my heart's just not in it. Tbh... I'm having a hard time just coming up with words to just say something ... anything. So let's just idle here and see what comes up.
The anxiety seems to have been replaced by depression. I can never decide which is better. They both suck. You know how it works, one you care too much about everything and worry all the time... the other one, well you don't give a f*ck about anything. (sorry, there's that word again)
I understand a little better why I stay alone. Because Hey this is me.. A little unstable, unfiltered. Pretty sure that some how, some way, I'm just going to screw it all up. Because it's what I do, part of who I am. It's hard sometimes to see beyond what's inside. It's hard to accept the things you know. You crack open the box to peek inside and some monster comes raging out of it. It was just to be a peek maybe a shake to see what rattles in there. But now that the monster has started to come out, I'd really like to shove it back it. Duct tape it, nail it, staple it shut. Put a 2 ton boulder on it. I'd like to rail and rage at everyone and everything. at my self. Don't go looking for thing unless you're prepared to deal with the things you find. Suck it up J - sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
@mytwistedsoul I was going to wait until I felt better to post anything anywhere, but it seems that you're having the same problem as me AND you've declared it a safe space and I don't think you'll judge me too much, so I suppose I'll type little letters and see if they can possibly, somehow, form coherant thoughts...
Your thinking joke was funny, even if your heart isn't in it, you can still make people laugh. That's a good gift to have.
I know what you mean about having spell check on these kind of days. If I didnt, I'd look either drunk or dyslexic. I wish to Apple Jack's that I could just shake my head and get it together, but nothing feels right. The words don't go together, I can't think or process anything, I'm isolating myself so I don't make anyone mad, hurt anyone, mess anything up, etc. I'm just going to lay here, because even if I felt like getting up, I don't know what that would do. Call me lazy, call me uninpired, un-productive, disappointing, whatever you want... But I just can't do the whole living thing right now. I'm just existing at the moment.
Anxiety and depression...hmm.. that's a good question. I don't know which one is better. On one hand, if you have anxiety then at least you're caring and that's probably a good thing, but on the other hand, at least with depression you don't care enough to worry about it. Both suck, yes. Sometimes I just wish I could be a happy, productive, achieving, optimistic kind of person... And then I realize how not me that is .It's like it's my destiny to be a f*ck up (I vote it's the F-word day).
I have conflicting thoughts on what I want to say about you being alone. On one hand, I stay alone too, and I want to say it is better that way, and I get how you feel. But unless this thread is all a lie, you're an amazing peraon that is so caring and supportive to everyone, has intellegint conversations, has such relatable feelings, is funny and talented, even if you have monsters to deal with, or to not deal with, by you being alone, people are missing out on time with/friendship with a very cool person... I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but I guess I'm just trying to put my feelings into words and it doesn't work all the time. I guess what I'm saying is, even if you prefer to stay alone, don't be alone just because you think you have to be, because everyone has those...quirks... about them, and it just makes you who you are. Social anxiety is what gets me. Like, how do I hang out with someone. I should tell them off the bat, don't touch me, don't change my schedual, don't mind if I stay home and seclude myaelf, don't mind my dark or sarcastic humor, I may get mad at you and just out of the blue get angry, or I may be in a super happy, super fun, let's go be reckless and live life to the fullest!!! Kind of mood, (my therapist says my personalities burn people), etc.... It's just easier to accept that no one understands or could ever deal with me, let alone actually enjoy hanging out with me.
(Pauses to sigh a long exasperated sigh and opens a new pack of ghram crackers for the s'mores)
My monster is good at being invisible. You can see the damage, and feel the repercussions, but you don't know where the hell he is! You can't see him! I never know how it's going to come out, or when, or what I'll end up screwing up, but it's inevitable. If you're looking for duct tape, I recommend gorilla tape, it works the best ..
Rail and rage, but stay safe. I cringe at how utterly stupid and canned that sounds, but I mean it!
Well, I don't know....I hope your day gets better and you start feeling better. (Not to sound creepy) I've been looking at your posts for music recommendations, and I have got to say, you have some pretty good ones! That's all for now. Peace love and ladybugs, over and out.
Ugh, sorry, back to the long posts...
@ClassicalMe No judgement at all. It's a totally free place here. I think it's great that you came here and were honest and open with what and how you're feeling. That you trusted us enough to come here and do it, means alot. You're always welcome. Share the good, the bad, the ugly. The brutally honest unadulterated - whatever.
Although I'm sorry to hear you feel the same way. You'd think there would be a happy medium some where. A lit sign, a you are here map. Some guidence. A tourist booth. Just point me in the right direction.
I seem to be spending alot of time just staring at the screen. Isolation, the story of my life. I know what you mean. We worry so much about hurting others, it can be completely unintentional but those words, you know. And I'm like the poster child of screw ups so, I understand that too. I don't think you're any of those. You're doing what you have to, to get through the moment. If that involves laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling fan sandwiched inbetween 2 dogs. Then that's what you do. Sometimes you have to do nothing, to be able to do something. Does that make sense?
I used that word 3 times in a six word sentence. Now that is talent. And they said I wouldn't amount to anything.
No I give you my word.. this is me. In all my glory. Twisted - totally lost- just me and my crew.
Being alone..hhmm.. I've always been alone. Isolated... first by family and then just taught that I need to be alone, I should be alone. Because I've been told I'm not safe. I mean I've never hurt anyone, I've never been arrested, I've never murdered anyone. Hell I don't think I've ever really even stood up for myself. I just take and accept whatever people give me. A coward. The touching... the touching is easy to explain but hard to say. I was even a little weird about people putting it in posts here. The hugs. Because touching has never been a good thing. Subject change
I like your humor... you're like me with it. And I know it's not something everyone understands or gets. It's kind of like you're the sun or a light that draws people in but they get too close, solar flare and they're scorched. There's always someone who will take offense at anything. Almost like they're looking for it.
Monsters...there are monsters in my head, some that rage and scream and want me dead. Sorry - a thought - went with it. This will probably sound completely mental and stupid, but have you tried to talk with it, see what it wants? All though - mine talk back to me so... you might want to be careful. Just saying. Because once you let them know that you know, they never shut up, ya know? Gorilla tape is it really as good as they say?
Thanks... I'm trying. Hey I'm still harm free and for me that's an accomplishment in it's self. So happy thoughts, yeah? Freaking Peter Pan crap.
I hope you feel better too.. Take your time, if you have to lay for a while it's cool. You do what feels right for you. It's all good either way.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care
Oh god I just realized - weren't the unicorns some where? um... what'd we do with them?
Maybe the unicorns went looking for food? I'm not sure what they eat, but I guess it isn't marshmellows.
Today is not a good day. I'm tired and so, so done with school. I have about two hours of time before practice, and I really should be using it for homework. But I've been working for about two hours already and I'm really tired of this. I'm stuck, too. Completely forgotten the rules when balancing chemical equations. Perfect, just in time for the EOGs coming up... (EOGs are the equivalent of finals in elementary and middle school)
Kinda want to self harm. Not sure why, I just keep thinking that I should. Ugh. I can't stop thinking about food either, but at the same time I don't want to eat. I want to get thinner. Yes, yes, I know, not a healthy way of doing things. But that's the state of mind I'm in right now. And I have eaten, so I don't neccessarily need MORE food... I suppose that for the smores I'll have to make an exception.
It's been getting harder and harder to socialize. I don't want to face my best friends anymore. I'm constantly tripping over my words, especially with my closest friend. Sometimes I don't know what to say around him. And it's bad enough that his mom thinks that I'm a bad influence. He himself and other friends have assured me that I'm not, but... I still can't shake my doubts. I gotta do my best to be positive around him, right? Lately whenever he's negative he says his mom tells him to stop being like me. I don't even know his parents that well, so how would they know that I'm negative all the time? But whatever.
Still absolutely hating myself. I dread going to practice tonight; it's going to damage my mental state even further. But I would also hate myself if I DIDN'T go.
Thanks for declaring this a free space. I need some place to vent. No offense, but... it is easier for me to burden people with my problems when we are behind a screen than with my friends.
Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk, ahaha. I'm going to grab some more logs for the fire.
@ThePizza Lol you're probably right! I'm not sure what they would eat.
Hey sometimes you have to take a step back, take a deep breath and regroup. You're in school all day, working you're brain and then to come home and have to work it some more. Sometimes you just need that moment. That pause. Man I love the pause. Um... chemistry lol! Sorry I'm no help there. One word - Google. Google knows everything - except how to find some place. Oh yeah wow it is May, I guess schools almost over for summer break.
Take that pause... that moment just for yourself. Before you do anything. You've got alot on your plate at the moment. Between homework, school finals, practice, friends, feeling down. No wonder you're feeling stressed and over whelmed. That's alot for any one. There's always room for s'mores. Just watch you don't cramp up at practice. I'll be the one who's a bad influence.
Is there a reason why you're having a hard time hanging around them and tripping over your words? It's not my business of course. It is a judgement free zone. So anything goes. No pressure though. I really can't see you as a bad influence, granted I don't really know you either but I just can't see it. You've been nothing but polite and helpful to me. Which I greatly appreciate. I'm sorry to hear that all this is going on for you. LIke you didn't have enough to deal with. Now you've got cranky parents to deal with and they aren't even your's.
So you go into practice - you do your best. That's all you can do. Try not to set any expectations for yourself. I know, I know that probably sounds like bad advice. But you need to keep in mind that you are dealing with a whole lot of bs right now. Between school, homework, finals, depression and all the wonderful things that go with that, friends and their parents. God I'm exhausted myself, just thinking about it! That's all you can do - your best. Then (as cheesy as this sounds) you will have gone and done, ya know? There's always a next time, or the time after that. Before long school will be out so no worries with homework or tests. One less thing, well 2 actually. Lol - I can count! Or is that 3? (smh) anyway maybe before long you're parents will have set you up with a counselor and you'll be finding that helpful.
Hey no problem, feel free anytime. I know what you mean, it is alot easier talking to people like this. Still stresses me out some though, just because I'm weird that way. You may not really know me, but I know me. Not that it's really stopped me much. Just the post and panic. Oh crap- lol I wrote you a book! Sorry!
LOL! James Veitch.. funny guy. Gotta love the ducks.
Hey take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself - stay cool
Thanks, as always, for the wonderful reply.
Im not quite sure why I have such a hard time talking to people, although it may be because Im always overthinking things and trying to inflict the least damage with my words. I feel like the most self centered, selfish person on the planet— I probably need to explain this. For example, my friend will mention something, and Ill automatically assume its about me. But, instead I ask clarifying questions as if I think its someone else. When it does turn out to be someone else, I hate myself for being so quick to assume it was about me.
My thought process has… many, many layers, to put it mildly. Id say most of it is toxic.
Swimming, today, was of course a nightmare. My mind torn to shreds during that stupid practice. I guess it also didnt help that none of my closer friends came today… sigh. Although really, its my fault for being so slow. No matter how hard I try, I can never try hard ENOUGH.
How strange it is to hear my mother say im skin and bones when I feel so fat… I dont understand. Im really, REALLY not skinny.
Im… really sad to say that I dont quite remember all the things you highlighted in your last post. Sorry if I forgot to answer any of your questions. Have a nice night, everyone. I think Im going out; were running low on chocolate for the smores.
@ThePizza
Well I want to say that I think you're doing a really good job with opening up here. Just so you know - you're not the only one that over thinks things. I think it's great that you're careful with you're words and try hard not to hurt people with them. That's a really good quality. I also want you to know you don't have to worry about that so much here. I mean, don't go running around flipping everyone off and maybe don't tell us where to get off at, but if there 's something on your mind or if I've said something to upset you or tick you off, I want you to let me know.
Lol - I'll try to keep this short. I don't think you're self centered or selfish BUT - if you are, you're a teenager, I think you're kind of supposed to be. And I think we all have moments like that. We just assume things - we should probably hope and assume it's good things, but I always think the worse myself.
I'm sorry swimming didn't go so well, although I don't think it was your fault for your friends not coming. I actually sort of look to them for that. They should be supportive regardless. To be honest that may have been what affected your practice in the long run. Disappointment can affect things too. Just my opinion of course.
crap, lol another long one. Hey thanks for getting the wood! And more chocolate, didn't realize it was so low. I'll bring more graham crackers tomorrow. You try and have a good night too!
I always have this feeling like I'm about to get in trouble. Comes from no where. You know that feeling, that tone, the way your name is said. The dreaded middle name thrown in for good measure. You just know you did something you probably shouldn't have. Can't figure out what is was. Just in trouble for being alive I guess. Believe me - it wasn't my idea.
Think - over think. Doesn't anyone under think? I'm not sure how that works. I guess underthinking is maybe putting a hot dog in the microwave for a minute - did you know they can explode? huh - I did not. Live and learn I suppose.
So I've been thinking - nope smokes not just from the fire- wheels are turning, cogs are grinding.
God - why is it said we have free will - but if you're religious - it's god's will. But if it's god's will doesn't that take away your free will? How decided god's a man and karma's a woman? Why do most people think atheists worship satan? Because it seems if they don't believe in god, then they don't believe in the devil either. And what if it's actually the opposite? And all the churchy people are worshiping the wrong one? Because if satan is supposed to be so devious, it just seems like the sort of the to do. If money is the root of all evil - then why do churches always want your money. Why are most churches so big and fancy? I could actually go on the religious streak for a while - but moving on.
Why do some people want more? More from themselves, more out of life. Fame, fortune. Do it make them better people? Why success over satisfaction? What if your success gives you satisfaction? What if you're satisfied with what you have, is that it then?
How do you decide what the purpose of your life is? Does it have to have a purpose? Does it make you a better person if you have a purpose?
Who decided on morals?
I don't like my name - not my name here. Which I think is true and somewhat fitting. No - my real name. I wonder how hard it is to change your name?
Sorry - kind of deep questions, had a tough time chasing sleep last night. I posed most of these questions to the dogs - they didn't have any answers either. Just rambling anyway. Lol - carry on.
latest question - ok so kind of weird - so, um - why do women wear make up? Because isn't that kind of like wearing a mask? ok so 2 questions.
@mytwistedsoul
I don
@ThePizza Hey How are you today?
You're probably right. Just seems like a lot of work. Sorry - stupid tv commercials. I figure be you, ya know? Doesn't matter on the outside, it's the inside that counts.
@mytwistedsoul
Yeah, I agree. I dont see the point in make up either. Being yourself is so much better in the long run anyway- the short run too.
Im doing okay. Skipping practice so I can work on homework, but also I just dont want to go after yesterday. Ill regret it later but whatever. Feeling a little sick from eating too much.
Im very angry with my science teacher, who is… not the best at estimating how much time we need for this assignment. There goes the three day weekend coming up…
Yesterday was terrible, today hasnt been good either. But Ill get through it… how are you doing?
@ThePizza I'm doing all right, thanks.
I think my notification bell is a little possessed though. Told me I had 50, now it says 19. Not sure what's up with that.
I agree with that 110%. Always be yourself.
I'm glad to hear you're doing ok. I can understand wanting to catch up on homework and I can understand skipping practice. I know it's not my place to say so, not my right - how ever you want to put it. But try not to regret it too much. That pause - ya know? A break. I hope you feel better.
Well - I don't blame you. If it's the teacher's assignment they should have a good idea how much time it should take to do it. I hope it doesn't eat up too much of your time off. Seems like a lousy thing to do to people over the weekend.
I hope you have a good evening, get caught up on your work and feel better! Of course you'll get through it - You're awesome - like me! Lol!
Seriously - be gentle with yourself, yeah? Stay cool Pizza
@mytwistedsoul
I want to stop feeling guilty for once so I
@ThePizza Sometimes you might need a pause after your pause.
I know it's hard to not feel guilty about things. I think everyone has that. I know I do - all the time. I feel guilty about things I've done, things I haven't done. But that doesn't make you a bad person, not even close. It shows you've got a good heart and a conscience. But sometimes you've just got to make time for yourself, to do what ever. And being a good person with that conscience - it's going to go against everything you feel and think. Because it makes you feel like you're letting people down. Am I right? It's ok - you're not. If they know you, they know that you're doing your best. No one can expect any more than that.
@mytwistedsoul
Your words give me some comfort. They patch up a small part of the vast hole in my being, created by thousands of unasked and unanswered questions, swirling emotions that threaten to destroy me from within
@ThePizza Any questions you want to ask here? I will help if I can, Wise too, if you'd like.
